Straight to You
by Montana-Rosalie
Summary: Emma would rather be cursed than lose Killian for good. And so they are.
1. Prologue

**As promised, here's a new long story! Emma and Killian get cursed again, and I can promise you that it's my most tragic story yet because he keeps dying and Emma keeps going back in time trying to save him; I hope you stick with it, because, as always, there's gonna be a happy ending. First chapter is going to be up on Sunday and I'll update every three days until I finish the first draft, and then we're back to new chapter every night, just like I did with my previous fics. I hope you enjoy the feels!**

* * *

People often say that finding true love can change you, and Emma Swan knows it better than most, because since she found hers in Killian Jones, a pirate Captain that had let go of his revenge for her, she feels fearless, invincible and so very, very happy.

Every morning she wakes up with Killian's arms around her, and every night she falls asleep with his voice in her ear as he tells her how much he loves her, but it's only when she sees him with Henry that she's certain that this is her happy ending.

Until it's not.

* * *

Later, when she's going to look back, Emma will often wonder how she managed to overlook all the signs that Gold and Regina were working together to punish her and Killian for taking away the people they loved most; Belle and Henry. The only conclusion she's going to reach will be that she was too wrapped in her perfect life to notice how miserable the two most powerful people in Storybrooke were.

The day that changes everything for dawns gloomy and rainy, and Emma closes her eyes again and burrows deeper into Killian's embrace, debating whether or not to stay in bed all morning and call her father to cover for her and Killian at the station.

"Rise and shine, love", Killian says, his lips tracing down her neck, his hand burning her waist even through his shirt she had gotten used to wearing to bed.

"First call David and tell him that we're not coming in today", Emma says, tangling her fingers in his hair and smiling when he chuckles, pressing his nose against her shoulder.

"We did that five times this month already, lass. I don't think your father is going to be all too happy if we do it again", Killian says and Emma finally opens her eyes, cupping his face in her hands and kissing him, their tongues tangling together, his arm going around her and pulling her on top of him.

"Didn't you just say we have to go to work?" Emma asks him, wiggling her hips and raising an eyebrow at him because other things seem to be rising too and they don't have time for that if they want to be at the station by nine.

"I did… but I didn't say we won't be late", Killian says and flips her on her back, his weight pinning her to the mattress, her arms wrapping around him and pulling him closer because she knows she couldn't resist him even if she tried.

Killian Jones wants to make love to her, and right now she can't think of any circumstances that would make her stop him.

* * *

Emma drives them to the station an hour later, the rain falling so hard she can barely see through the windshield. They had let Henry stay at home and she thinks it was a good decision because there's nobody around and Storybrooke looks like an eerie ghost town, which makes her both uncomfortable and nervous. She tells herself that the chill running down her spine is from the cold and ignores the bad feeling that comes over her because what could possibly go wrong when she's got Killian by her side?

They are passing by the library when lightning strikes the clock-tower and one of the heavy hands of the clock tumbles right into their path. Emma slams the breaks and the car slides to a stop a couple of feet away from it, her heart slamming against her ribcage painfully.

"The bloody hell was that?" Killian exclaims, rubbing his head because he never wears his seatbelt and she was too busy trying to keep them from crashing to soccer mom him.

"Let me see", Emma says, taking his chin in her hand and tilting his head to the side to inspect the lump forming on this forehead.

"I'm fine", he says, squinting as he tries to see through the windshield. "We should've stayed home."

"You were the one-", Emma starts to say and trails off when both of the car doors open, the rain suddenly stopping. She and Killian exchange a glance and slowly get out of the car, finding Gold and Regina standing on the other side of the fallen clock hand wearing the same chilling smirk.

"What do you want?" Killian asks them, his hand on the gun on his hip, signalizing Emma with his prosthetic hand to stay put.

Of course she doesn't listen. She comes to stand by his side, her gun already drawn but still pointing at the ground.

"We want you to suffer the way we suffered", Regina says and waves her arm, causing Killian to fly through the air and land in a heap at her feet.

Emma is barely aware that she's screaming his name over the sound of bones breaking, and Regina just laughs and bends down, plucking out an entire strand of his dark hair and dropping it into a bottle she's holding.

"No, please", Emma whispers and tries to move forward but she's stuck, her body refusing to listen to her; she can only watch as Gold limps over and reaches into Killian's chest, pulling out his heart and coming back to Emma to show it to her.

"This is what you get for falling in love with him", Gold hisses and closes his fist around Killian's heart until it's nothing but dust. Emma keeps her eyes on Killian, their gazes locking together one last time and then he's gone, his eyes drifting closed, his heart scattering in the wind around them.

The magic that's been holding her in place is suddenly gone and Emma sinks to her knees, crawling on them until she reaches Killian, gently placing his head in her lap as if she wants to avoid hurting him further even though she knows nothing can touch him anymore.

"Do you want him back, Miss Swan?" Gold asks her, and Emma somehow tears her eyes away from Killian's face, looking up at Gold silently because it's the kind of question that doesn't really require an answer.

"Just tell her", Regina says, rolling her eyes like she's already bored with both of them.

"You can get him back, but there's a price to be paid, and it's a steep one", Gold says, and Emma glances down, tracing Killian's cheek with her knuckles, already knowing that there's no price she wouldn't pay if she can just see him smile at her one more time.

"I'll do anything", Emma says, silent tears running down her cheeks, her hand resting over Killian's chest where his heart used to be, supposed to be, isn't anymore.

"Oh I don't doubt that, dearie, but in order for this curse to work, you have to know exactly what's going to happen", Gold tells her with a smirk that makes her see red.

"So tell me already!" Emma screams, wrapping her arms tighter around Killian, a sob escaping her because he can't be gone, he can't be going cold under her fingertips.

"If you drink the potion Regina's holding, you get transported to the year 2000., and somewhere in this fine country your Captain is going to be celebrating his 19th birthday."

"Where?" Emma demands, and both Gold and Regina laugh at her.

"That's for you to find out. You'll have thirteen years to find him… well, twelve, because if you don't give him a child by the time he turns 32, he dies, everything restarts, and you have to look for him again", Gold tells her, and Emma reaches for the vial in Regina's hand.

"Not so fast", Regina says, moving it out of her reach. "Once you find him, he won't remember who you are, so don't be surprised if your task proves harder than you expect."

"There's always true love's kiss", Gold says offhandedly and Emma feels like she can breathe again, because the thought of looking for Killian just to have him turn her away when she finally finds him is already killing her. "You just kiss him and everything comes rushing back."

"And what if she's not his true love?" Regina asks him innocently, and Gold shrugs.

"Then she's going to have to make him fall in love with her", Gold says as if Emma isn't even there and she wipes her face on the shoulder of her jacket, carefully lying Killian on the ground and kissing his motionless lips before she stands up and takes the potion from Regina.

"Any questions?" Regina asks, and Emma hesitates with the potion half-way to her lips.

"What happens when the baby is born?" She asks, and the smile Gold gives her is so self-satisfied that she starts to think he doesn't expect her and Killian to ever get their happy ending.

But that's probably the point.

"If the baby is born all three of you get transported back to Storybrooke thirteen years from today", he says, and Emma closes her eyes because that means Henry is going to be all grown up and about her age by the time they get back.

Still, there's nothing she can do about it because she's doesn't know how to let Killian go and be without him, not even if it means missing another ten plus years of her son's life; Henry is alive and Killian is not, and bringing him back is the only thing she can focus on right now.

With one last glance at the man she believes is her true love, Emma Swan drinks the potion and watches Regina and Gold disappear as the rain starts falling again, soaking her to the bone in a matter of seconds before she feels a strange pulling in her stomach that makes her dizzy.

A few seconds later the road is empty except for a patrol car parked in the middle of it.

* * *

**Review?**


	2. Seattle, Washington

**I know I've said I would update on Sunday, but you guys seem so excited (and a bit frightened) so I decided to give you the first chapter today. I can't thank you enough for all the encouragement, and I promise you that if you stick with this story, you're going to get a happy ending. Eventually. Also, maybe I haven't stressed it enough, but this story is an AU, and for the purpose of it ASOTM never happened; at the start of the Prologue Emma and Killian have been together for almost two years. I hope you enjoy the feels and I'll probably have the new chapter ready by Tuesday. P.S. Burcu (**anythingyouhold** on tumblr) came up with the idea of Killian reincarnating as somebody new every time he dies on Emma and graciously let me run with it.  
**

* * *

Emma wakes up with a start, jumps to her feet and turns in a slow circle as she tries to figure out where she is and what's going on.

She's standing in an unfamiliar back alley, shivering in her leather jacket because there's a cold wind blowing, playing with the old newspaper discarded on the ground. She flips one of the pages over with her foot and has to lean against the wall because her knees buckle; the date on it is June 25th 2000.

Somewhere in this vast country the love of her life is celebrating his 19th birthday and he doesn't know that he's not supposed to do anything without Emma, doesn't know that he's supposed to wait until she finds him, no matter how long it takes.

It's been less than an hour since Killian kissed her, but it feels longer, it feels like it was in another life and Emma lets out a scream, all her despair and anger coming out with it, but it doesn't make her feel any better.

She's got ten dollars in her pocket and identification that belongs in the future, and for the first time in her life she's glad for Neal because the things he had taught her are going to come in handy.

Killian is doing God knows what with God knows who, and the faster she finds him the better; she tells herself that this is going to be easy, that she's good at finding missing persons, and there has never been a missing person she needed to find more.

"Wait for me", Emma whispers and wraps the jacket tighter around her before she starts walking toward the main street.

* * *

It takes her five years to realize that she's not getting any older. She wakes up every morning, still reaching for Killian, pulls herself out of bed and looks at the mirror to see exactly the same face as she did on the day she lost everything.

By the time she finally tracks down Killian it's been over ten years since the beginning of the curse and she feels like their time is running out. She drives into Seattle and her hands are shaking on the wheel because there's no way of knowing what's going to happen when she sees him and when he sees her; she tries not to think about the possibility of him already having somebody else in his life.

She had spent so long looking for him and imagining their reunion, but now that she's almost here, she's so scared that she starts finding excuses not to go to him right away.

"Don't be a coward", Emma tells herself, a faint smile curving her lips because Killian hates cowards, and besides, she'd never been one before.

Emma parks the car in an underground garage and walks two blocks to the entrance of the library Killian works in, hoping he's there and trying to figure out what to tell him.

The lady at the circulation desk points her in the direction of foreign literature and Emma walks between the tall shelves, her pace quickening because she can feel that she's getting close, that she's just a few steps away from finally finding her true love again.

Emma rounds the corner and slams right into Killian, the books he's carrying scattering all over the floor between them, but neither of them cares. He's looking at her with a tiny frown furrowing his brows, and Emma stands there motionless, taking in his clean-shaven face, messy hair and eyes blue as the ocean.

It's only now that she's found him that she lets herself acknowledge how much she missed him, and she doesn't waste time on words; she steps over the books and pulls him down for a kiss, her lips finding his so easily, her body remembering how to mold itself against his instantaneously. There's no time for her to worry if this is going to work or not because there's a pulse of pure magic flowing outward right away, rainbow colors brightening the dimly lit space between the shelves, Killian's arms wrapping around her as he practically lifts her off her feet in an attempt to bring her closer to him.

"Emma", he says against her lips, pulling away just enough to look at her, and it's only when he releases her waist to cup her face that she realizes that he's got two hands instead of one.

"I missed you so much", she says, and she can't stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks because she'd been so lonely and this feels better than any dream she had had in the past decade.

"I've always felt that something was missing, and it was you all along. My beautiful lass", he says, resting his forehead against hers and wiping away her tears as they come. "What happened? The last thing I remember is Gold taking my heart."

"I'll explain everything later", Emma says and stands on tiptoes to kiss him again and he pushes her against the bookshelf behind her, pinning her there with his entire body as their tongues tangle together.

Emma sighs against his mouth and runs her hands under his T-shirt, desperate for the feeling of his skin underneath her fingertips, her heart slamming against her ribcage because he's here, he's really here and he remembers; he still loves her and wants her as much as he always did, maybe even more because they had been separated for so long.

Killian's arms lift her up and she wraps her legs around his waist, tangling her fingers in his hair and kissing him like she'd never kissed him before.

"Jesus Christ, Killian", the lady from the circulation desk exclaims and Emma looks at her over Killian's shoulder, slowly unwrapping her legs from around him and letting him set her down on her feet.

"Sorry, Lydia", he says without turning around, running his knuckles over Emma's cheek and kissing her once more before facing his coworker. It's amazing how effortlessly he switches to an American accent because just a minute ago he'd been as British as she'd ever heard him.

"I expected better from you", Lydia says, crossing her arms in front of her chest and Killian glances at Emma and gives her a bright smile before wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her against his side. Emma leans into him and gives Lydia a sheepish smile, and the older woman's expression softens. "Take a longer lunch break and come back this afternoon."

With that, Lydia turns on her heel and leaves, muttering something about kids these days.

"Let's get out of here", Emma says and Killian nods, leaning down and picking up the fallen books before he leads her out of the library.

There's a black Kawasaki Ninja parked in the back alley and Killian hands her his helmet, relief flooding her because this means there's no wife or girlfriend in the picture, because if there was, he'd have another helmet.

Emma puts it on and he kisses her nose before they hop on and he drives them in the direction of his apartment, Emma's arms wrapped tightly around his stomach.

* * *

"So I have a little over a year to get you pregnant", Killian says, running his fingers through his hair, and Emma is still so distracted with his left hand that it takes a while for his words to register.

"Don't say it like that", she tells him, wondering if maybe she shouldn't have told him about the baby just yet. "We're in this together."

"Yes, we are, but if we don't succeed you're the one who's going to watch me die and have to start searching for me all over again", he says, and Emma shakes her head because she doesn't want to even entertain the possibility of failure.

"We're not going to fail; there's plenty of time", she says, looking him straight in the eye and praying that she's right because she doesn't know if she's strong enough to go through this once more.

Killian gets up from the couch and offers her his hand, leading her into his bedroom and laying her down on his bed to finish what they had started between the shelves in the library.

Emma smiles against his lips and wraps herself around him, and she can practically see their baby already, their little savior that's going to prevent them from ever having to say goodbye again.

* * *

Emma moves her possessions from the car to Killian's apartment and sometimes she's almost breathless with happiness; after a decade of drifting from state to state looking for him she's finally safe in his arms, and not even the holes in her heart left by the absence of Henry and her parents can get her down.

Later she's going to look back at that year and smile because that was when her hope was like an endless ocean, that was when she had thought that their love was stronger than any curse and that their happy ending is just a couple of months away.

It was before she learned that making a baby when you need it to save you is not as easy as you'd expect, as you had hoped it would be.

No matter how many times they have sex, she's never even a day late, and as time speeds by they both get more and more desperate. Still, he keeps telling her that everything's going to be fine, that they are going to get their baby, but she gets the feeling that he's trying to convince not only her, but himself too.

And then suddenly it's September and it's too late.

* * *

Her periods are usually pretty painful, but this time it's worse, this time it hurts so much she can't even summon the energy to get up for breakfast.

This time all her dreams are shattered.

"I brought you pancakes", Killian says from the doorway, and for some unfathomable reason seeing him standing there holding a breakfast tray breaks her. She starts sobbing and turns her back to him, feeling like the worst failure for finding him so late and for being unable to give him a baby that would save them both.

The mattress dips when he gets into bed with her, carefully wrapping his arms around her from behind and pressing his hand against her stomach, his gentleness making everything even harder.

"Shhh, it's okay. It's going to be okay", he murmurs against her ear, kissing her cheek and her neck and every inch of exposed skin again and again until her tears finally ebb and she takes a shuddering breath, turning around in his arms and hiding her face against his chest.

"Tell me you're not going to die", she says, wrapping her arms around him as tightly as she can and entangling her legs with his, trying to memorize exactly how this feels because she's too much of a realist to think that she's not going to lose him soon.

"I'll always be with you, love. Wherever I am and wherever you are, all you need to do is close your eyes and remember this moment and you'll know how much I love you and how much I believe that someday we're going to have our happy ending", Killian says, his voice like a song in her ear, a song that is so haunting and beautiful that you somehow know it by heart after listening to it only once.

Emma tilts her head back and looks at him, his brave smile breaking her heart because his eyes are as sad as hers must be but he's doing everything he can to keep it together for her.

"I'll never give up on us", she says, and it comes out sounding like the most sacred oath she'd ever uttered, an eternal promise that she won't ever break, no matter what happens, no matter how many lives they have to go through before their savior is born.

"I know, lass. I know", he says and Emma seals her vow with her lips on his.

* * *

Killian's 32nd birthday dawns and he's still alive, soundly sleeping next to her, his arm wrapped around her waist. Emma lies still, watching his chest move as he breathes in and out, and she catches herself counting his every inhale, her heart heavy in her chest because she's waiting for that exhalation that won't come.

"What time is it?" He asks her without opening his eyes, and Emma scoots closer to him, ignoring both the clock on the wall and his question.

"It doesn't matter", she says and kisses him with eyes wide open, running her hands under his shirt and gasping when he pulls her on top of him.

They make love slowly, and Emma tells herself that he's going to stay, that the curse won't work, that nothing's wrong, but she can't stop the echo in her head that keeps repeating itself: _this is the last time_.

Soon she's going to lose him and there's nothing she can do anymore to prevent it.

* * *

They are doing the dishes after lunch and Emma is still holding her breath for the moment the curse steals him away from her, and it still surprises her; she hands him the plate and he drops it, sharp pieces scattering all over the kitchen just like her heart does in her chest. Killian clutches his chest and Emma barely catches him, going down with him and holding onto him as tight as she can, as if she can stop what's happening with the sheer power of her love.

She blinks away the tears because she needs to show him that she's okay, that she's brave too and that this is not the end. His gasp of pain slice through her and she wishes she could take his place, wishes she could make it painless for him, wishes it could already be over so she doesn't have to watch him grit his teeth and pretend that it's not as bad as it is.

"I love you", he says with his last breath, his hand gripping hers until it's not anymore, until he leaves her all alone again.

Emma leans down and kisses him, her tears falling on his face, and she's almost grateful when there's that same pulling sensation she had felt in Storybrooke as time rearranges itself around her, making her lose consciousness and find some peace in the dark.

* * *

**Review?**


	3. Omaha, Nebraska

**Here we go, another Killian's life and more heartbreak for Emma. A lot of you wanted to know if Killian dies in every chapter and the answer is yes, he does. This fic is basically a series of one-shots connected by Emma and the way she changes because even if she doesn't age, every time Killian dies she loses a little part of her. Thanks for reading/reviewing/following/favoriting, each e-mail notification means a lot to me, no matter what it is, and I'm so grateful that you seem to be enjoying the feels. New update on Friday!**

* * *

The second time Emma goes looking for Killian it takes her even longer to find him, and by the time she does, it's already too late; his birthday is six months away and her heart feels like it's being crushed inside her chest.

In this life Killian is a surgeon and Emma finds herself waiting for him in front of the OR, watching a husband pacing up and down the hallway as he waits to learn about his wife's fate, fate that is in Killian's hands.

It takes a long time for Killian to finally come out and Emma remains sitting where she is, looking at him talking to the husband, knowing by the look on his face that the news are not good.

He might be fooling everybody else, but Emma could always tell what was on his mind.

Killian lays his hand on the man's shoulder for a moment and then turns around and walks away, making Emma jump to her feet and race after him. She passes by the man that's openly crying and calls out Killian's name, slowing a bit when he turns around, the frown he's wearing exactly the same as the last time she did this a lifetime ago.

"Do I know you?" He asks her and Emma smiles because even though he looks different and sounds different with his momma's boy hairstyle and the accent that's more hick than proper, he's still the same, he's still the only man in the world who can make her heart beat faster just by looking at her with his ocean eyes.

"You tell me", Emma says, tilting her head to the side and giving him a mischievous smile.

The time had already run out and she wants to see if their connection is strong enough for him to be drawn to her even without the magical kiss that restores his memories.

"You look very familiar", he says softly, his hand reaching for the curls tumbling over her shoulder, but he stops himself before he can touch them. "I'm sorry. I feel like I know you, but I can't remember ever meeting you. What's your name?"

"Emma. Emma Swan", she says and offers him her hand the way he offered his up on that beanstalk when they still didn't know what would happen, when they couldn't even dream that their love story would be such a tragic one.

"Emma", he repeats and accepts her hand, electricity jumping between them as she tugs him closer and crushes her lips against his before he can figure out what's going on.

And then there's magic, and his arms are around her and Emma doesn't care about anything else except how good it feels to kiss him and know that they are together again.

"Emma? What's happened?" He asks her, resting his forehead against her, and he's back to sounding like her pirate. She's about to answer him when the cool metal pressing against her back registers and she takes his left hand and makes him let her go so she can look at it.

There's a wedding ring on his fourth finger and she steps back from him, feeling broken and so very betrayed.

She slaps him, hard. A part of her knows that she's not being fair because up until two minutes ago he had no idea that she even existed, and she shouldn't blame him for falling in love with someone else, but she can't help herself; all this time she'd been so miserable without him, searching the country relentlessly until she had found him, and he'd been happy with a woman that wasn't Emma.

"What the bloody hell was that for?" He exclaims, more surprised than angry.

"You're married!" She spits the words at him and Killian glances at the ring on his finger and works it off, throwing it in the trash on the other side of the hallway; it lands inside without a sound.

"I'm divorced, lass. I just kept wearing the ring so my female patients wouldn't throw themselves all over me", he says and smiles wryly, reaching for her hand, but Emma steps back because right now she can't handle him touching her.

"And what if you weren't already divorced? What would you do now that I'm here?" She asks him and he crowds her against the wall, standing as close as he can to her without actually touching her and leaning down to whisper in her ear.

"I would take that ring off all the same. You are my Emma, my happiness, my one true love, and whatever this life is, a curse or a spell or a trick, it's not real. And even if it were, I wouldn't want anybody else but you", he tells her, his lips grazing her ear, and Emma falls against him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her cheek against his chest. She can feel his heart beat, so strong and measured that it seems impossible it's ever going to stop.

It's the worst thing knowing that it will. And soon.

* * *

Killian gives her the keys and an address to his house so he can finish his shift and Emma doesn't tell him that they don't have long because she knows he'd insist on coming with her and she won't have anybody on her conscience, even if he says that the people around them are not real, even if this world is just a figment of Gold's imagination.

The house Killian lives in is big and cold, with very few personal items, but Emma had been alone for too long not to snoop around and try to figure out what this Killian is about. She finds a box of pictures in the back of his closet and takes it out on the porch with her ice tea, looking through them until she hears the purr of a bike and sees him coming up the driveway on the same Ninja he had back in Seattle.

"What's with the bike?" She asks him when he parks it in front of the garage and takes his helmet off. He looks at the bike and frowns.

"You don't like it?"

"It's a fine machine, but why did you buy it again?" She clarifies her question, shading her eyes with her hand to see him better.

"Again?" He says, climbing the steps to the porch and sitting down on the bench next to her, his hand caressing her bare knee as he finishes off her iced tea.

"What's the last thing you remember?" Emma asks him, ignoring the goosebumps that raise everywhere his fingers come into contact with her skin because dread is filling her gut and she can't focus on anything but his face.

"Gold ripping my heart out. And the panic in your eyes", he answers her, brushing her hair behind her ear when her head drops and she closes her eyes because he doesn't remember Seattle, he doesn't remember anything about the curse. "Emma? What's wrong, lass?"

"This isn't the first time you've had another life", she says, lifting her eyes to his, tears spilling out because Killian who brought her flowers after work and wrote her silly messages in books she read is gone and this Killian doesn't even remember him, doesn't know anything that had happened between them.

"I don't understand", he says softly and wipes away her tears, and even though she knows that it hurts him to see her cry, always had and always will, she doesn't know how to stop.

"After Gold took your heart, he crushed it and then he gave me a choice; to live without you or take a potion that would create a curse custom made for us."

"And you chose the curse", he says slowly, closing his eyes because even if he doesn't know the details, he knows Gold, and he knows it's bad.

"I chose you", Emma whispers and he opens his eyes and gathers her into his lap, kissing her and telling her that he would've done the same, telling her that he would always choose her.

"How do we break the curse?" He asks her after a moment of silence and a sob catches in her throat, almost choking her because she doesn't know how to tell him that they don't. Not in this life. "Hey, darling, it's okay. Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"We're supposed to have a baby, but…" Emma starts to say but she finds that she can't finish that sentence, can't utter the words that already sound like goodbye.

She can't tell him that it's too late.

"We can make a baby, Emma. If I failed last time, it doesn't mean I'm going to fail again", he says and Emma bites the inside of her mouth because she knew he'd say this, she knew he'd take the blame for not getting her pregnant.

"It's too late. Even if we succeeded today it wouldn't mean anything because your birthday is in less than six months", she finally tells him, wiping away her tears so she can look at him.

"What happens on my birthday?" He asks her, and she can see in his eyes that he already knows, but she tells him anyway.

"You die."

"And what happens to you?" He whispers, his hand gripping her waist as if he can stop the future from coming for them both if he just keeps holding her close.

"I go back in time, and I get another 13 years to give birth to our baby", Emma says and he closes his eyes, his chin trembling for just a moment before he looks at her and gives her a crooked smile, wiping the rest of her tears away.

"I guess we're just going to have to make the best of the time we have left", he says and kisses her, and when he gets up with her in his arms and carries her inside, she doesn't say another word because she's afraid she'd tell him that she doesn't know how many more times she can deal with this before she goes insane.

* * *

Since they only have six months, Killian quits his job and takes her to see the world. He gives her adventures and distant shores and so much love, and she focuses on that, focuses on living in the moment and just being with him, making memories she can take with her when they are both gone.

His birthday comes in what feels like weeks, not months, and they barely sleep those last few days; she keeps her arms around him all the time and he keeps making love to her and telling her that he will always love her.

They both know that he won't, that he's going to forget both her and himself, but she lets him deceive her and tell her pretty lies because that's all they have.

"Third time's the charm", he says and kisses her shoulder, running his hand from her thigh to her stomach and up, tracing the downside of her breast and smiling at the way she gasps and pulls him down on top of her.

She doesn't tell him what she's afraid, that she's beginning to think that Gold's curse has been designed too well for them to ever break it.

"Three was always my lucky number", she says and kisses his neck, wrapping her leg around him and rolling them over so she's on top, his hands steadying her like they had done a hundred times before both in this life and the one before that.

She never thought she'd miss his hook, but she does because when he still had it, she didn't have to worry about him leaving her.

She didn't have to worry about being all alone.

* * *

Emma thinks that this time she's ready, this time she's going to hold his hand and send him off with a smile because it's not the end and she knows they are going to see each other eventually.

And yet, when he grits his teeth and clutches his chest, somehow it hurts her even worse than the first two times, and Emma doesn't know what to do except to press her lips against his, hoping that her kiss makes him forget the pain and stay with her for as long as he can.

He smells like moonlight and his lips taste like the ocean, his shaking arms holding her against him as he kisses her back, giving her a silent promise that they are going to find a way, maybe not next time or the one after that, but someday, they are going to watch their baby grow and it's going to be the happiest ending imaginable.

This time he breathes in when she breathes out and then he's gone, and Emma doesn't even have time to cry before she's pulled back through time, losing herself in the dark once more.

* * *

**Review?**


	4. Savannah, Georgia

**I'm a day early again because I'm 5 chapters away from completing the first draft, so from now on, new chapter every other day. I hope you keep enjoying this, and thank you for such a positive response so far!**

* * *

This time Emma finds Killian a few weeks before his 27th birthday and at first she thinks it's immensely amusing that he's actually younger than her, but then she remembers that he's still a 300 years old pirate inside and that she's older than 30, much, much older.

The bar he's working in is in a bad part of town, but she can handle herself fine and she walks in like she owns the place. Every head inside turns her way and she meets the patrons' gazes square on; after a while everybody goes back to their conversations.

Emma settles herself at the bar, shrugging off her leather jacket and ordering whiskey on the rocks, fighting the urge to ask the man behind the bar what time does Killian's shift starts. She doesn't want to attract anybody's attention, least of all Killian's, because this time they have time and she feels like trying to make him come home with her without revealing who she is and who they are together.

It's been almost eight years since she had kissed him last, and she can still feel an imprint of his lips on hers.

She's so lost in her own thoughts that she never sees him coming; one second she's sitting at the bar alone, and in the next he's leaning against it next to her, waiting for her to notice him.

"That dress could get you in trouble in a place like this", he says, and Emma slowly turns her head to look at him because she'd know that voice anywhere, even if his southern drawl doesn't sound anything like his usual accent.

"I can take care of myself", she tells him, sitting up a little straighter and feeling a shiver run down her spine at the hungry look in his eyes.

"Aren't you a tough lady… I like that", he says and winks at her, hopping on the bar and dropping down on the other side. "Still, let me know when you're ready to leave. I want to make sure you get to your car safely."

Emma smirks in her whiskey and takes a sip before speaking.

"What makes you think I'm going to go home alone?" She asks him and he smiles and pours her another drink.

"I don't know anybody in this establishment worthy of your attention… Present company excluded, of course", he says, and Emma can't help chuckling because he doesn't even know how right he is; no matter how lonely she'd get, she never brought anybody home with her because she knew nobody would satisfy her like he does.

It's ironic that once upon a time she only had one night stands, and since she met her pirate she never slept with anybody else but him.

"I guess I'll just have to wait for you to close up so you can take me home", she says and grins lazily at a flash of surprise that crosses his face because he probably hadn't expected for it to be so easy.

"Have we ever met before, Miss…", he trails off and his eyes caress her face like they always do; he doesn't know her name, but judging by the way he's looking at her he must somehow feel that she's somebody special to him.

"Swan. Emma Swan", she says, her voice low so he has to lean down to hear her over the noise in the background, noise that sounds distant and unimportant in her ears because he's here and she'd waited for so long for this.

She realizes that she won't be able to wait for the end of the evening to kiss him if he keeps looking at her like this so she slides off the stool and escapes to the bathroom.

When she returns, there's a full on brawl going on. Glasses are flying everywhere but she ignores them and cranes her neck trying to spot Killian because something's telling her he's probably in the thick of it.

She spots him pummeling some guy and for a moment she can barely recognize him, such rage contorting his features that he looks nothing like the guy who just flirted with her, nothing like the pirate Captain that stole her heart such a long time ago.

"Killian!" His name escapes her mouth as she makes her way to him, ducking under badly judged punches meant for somebody else, the urgency to reach Killian rising with each step. He levels his opponent and looks at her, his expression melting back into charming as he gestures for her to duck behind the bar until the fight ends.

He's so focused on her that he doesn't see a broken beer bottle coming until it ends up buried in his side and Emma can hear nothing except her own scream as he goes down.

Still, she doesn't go straight to Killian, stopping by the bar first and dialing 911 before she finally makes her way to him.

"How did you know my name?" He asks her through gritted teeth the second she kneels next to him and lifts his shirt to see how bad it is.

"Now is really not the time", she says, tearing the hem off her dress so she can press it against his side and try to stop the bleeding.

"Why do I feel like I know you?" He demands and Emma looks at him, feeling so guilty for wanting to play games when she could've just kissed him; they would've been in his bed now, instead of him bleeding half to death in front of her.

"Because you do", Emma tells him, leaning down and pressing her lips against his.

Magic rushes between them and when she pulls away she realizes that everybody around them is standing frozen, looking around and trying to convince themselves that what they had just seen was a hallucination caused by too much alcohol.

"Bloody hell, lass", Killian says and shakes his head, then winces in pain because even that slight movement aggravates his wound.

"Shut up", she says gently, and he smiles because it sounds like I love you.

* * *

They keep Killian in hospital for a few days and Emma fills him in on the curse and the lives they've led so far that he can't remember. Both of them are so hopeful, feeling like this time it must be it; after all, they've got over five years to get pregnant and it feels like an eternity compared to what they had before.

Emma picks him up from hospital and his hand on her knee is such a horrible distraction that she almost goes through a red light, braking so hard he winces in pain.

"Sorry! It's your own fault, though", she tells him and he leans back in his seat, breathing through his nose, his left hand never leaving her knee.

* * *

Months pass, Christmas arrives, and every time Emma gets her period they both feel like a failure. They don't talk about it because neither wants to voice their concerns yet; they want to keep the faith that they are going to succeed, that this curse is breakable and that they are not trying in vain.

"I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to take this", Emma says when she comes out of the bathroom with her hand pressed against her sore stomach. Killian is sitting on their bed and he gives her a careless smile before gently tugging her down next to him.

"You heard that doctor; we're both fine and it's only a matter of time. We still have two years", he tells her, cupping her face and pressing his lips against her forehead. "We're going to be okay, love."

Emma tells herself that it's the hormones and not her lie detector that makes her think that he's lying.

* * *

They start fighting a lot, over things small and big, over bills and what time he came home from work on Saturday and why she only wants to have sex when their chances of getting pregnant are the best.

Emma cries every time she gets her period and at first he's coming up with the most ridiculous ways to cheer her up, but the closer they get to September the harder it is until he finally gives up and just holds her.

It's almost a relief when September comes and they know for sure that they had failed because having hope that's slowly dying is worse than knowing for a fact that there's no hope left.

* * *

Emma wakes up and finds him sitting next to her, smiling the way he used to before all this, before the curse that made them forget that the only thing they need in this world is each other.

"Hey, beautiful", he says, and Emma smiles back even though his words slice her inside because she still remembers finding him on the side of the road back in Storybrooke and wondering what kind of man could call her beautiful after just getting hit by a car; it hurts because now she knows, because no matter what kind of pain he's in, she's always going to be more important to him, especially if she's hurting too.

"Hey, yourself", she murmurs and sits up, kissing him and running her hands under his shirt. To her surprise, he pulls away and catches her wandering hands, pressing a kiss on her nose before telling her to get dressed because they are going for a ride.

Emma is still surprised every time she sees his Ninja because she can't believe that three people as different as his cursed selves could pick the exact same bike over a car. Every time she brings it up Killian just shrugs and tells her that it's something that can't be explained, but she thinks he's got a theory about it that he just doesn't want to share with her.

Killian drives them to an abandoned road outside of town and offers to teach her how to ride his bike. He'd been nagging her for years but she always told him that they don't have time because she was so focused on getting pregnant that nothing else seemed important.

Now it's too late for a baby and she finally lets him show her, lets him sit behind her with his hands on hers as she slowly gets the hang of it. The bike is heavy but she finds that she can handle it, and soon she's zipping up and down the road as he stands on the side with his arms crossed in front of his chest, his eyes following her everywhere she goes.

"This was fun", she exclaims when she finally parks next to him because the fuel is getting low and they still have to get back home.

"That was the point", he tells her softly, coming to stand next to her, tipping her helmet back so he can see her eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Next time you meet me, I won't remember this life, Emma", he says, and she bites her lip because she can't deal with that today.

"I know", she says, scooting back so he can take the wheel. "Let's go home."

"Not before I say what I need to say", he says, his eyes flashing with well controlled rage. This world's Killian Jones is a study in opposites and his temper sometimes gets the best of him; there had been countless times that he got into a fight at work and it's a steady reminder that he's not just her pirate. He is, just like her parents, also his cursed self.

"Okay, talk", Emma says and he leans against the bike in front of her, resting his elbow on her knee, looking at his feet as he gathers his thoughts.

"Don't let us do it all the same", he finally says, and Emma wraps her arms around his waist and rests her chin on his shoulder.

"I won't", she says softly, and he turns his head to look at her, his eyes so blue in the sunlight she can barely look at them from this close without feeling the pain of losing him beforehand.

"Don't let us get lost in trying to get pregnant and forget that we love each other."

"I won't."

"Don't let us lose hope in the happy ending", he says and Emma closes her eyes because it's a great burden to bear, and they both know she has to bear it alone.

"I won't."

* * *

And as it always does, his birthday comes quicker than it should, quicker than Emma can stand because there is never enough time, there is never a way for her to stop the clocks and just keep him for a little while longer; every time his birthday comes she's praying for just one more day so they can make a few more memories, so she can tell him she loves him a few more times and promise that she's never going to give up on them.

And yet, she knows that if she got one more day, she'd only pray for another.

Just like she did three times before, Emma watches the man she loves more than she loves herself take his last breath, his eyes holding her as tightly as his hand is. He tells her that he believes in her no matter what, that someday his 32nd birthday will come and go and they are still going to be here, watching their baby take hers or his first steps in their living room.

Today is not that day, and when he closes his eyes and Emma feels that same pulling inside her, she tells herself that no matter what happens in his next life or the one after that, she is going to honor her promise and make it about their present, not their future.

* * *

**Review?**


	5. Davenport, Iowa

**You're gonna need tissues for this chapter, and probably for all the ones coming; the first three were puppies and rainbows compared to what's left. I hope you stick with it, though, because there is going to be a happy ending eventually. Thank you for reading and reviewing, it's really appreciated.**

* * *

Emma drives her car into Killian's repair shop, getting out and looking around in search of him. She has every intention of kissing him the second she sees him because the fight in that bar that could've taken him from her too soon is still haunting her, even twelve years later.

"Can you pass me that wrench?" She hears him say and comes around a car to see him lying under it, pointing at the wrench that Emma picks up and lies in his open palm, her fingers trailing over his wrist to make sure he's really here and that she's finally found him.

Electricity jumps between their skin and he bangs him hand on the underside of the car, releasing a string of curses that make her smile because it's so him and she had missed him so much.

She had realized two lives ago that she misses him even when he's here.

Killian slides from under the car rubbing his forehead and leaving grease on it, then notices her and freezes; he's looking at her like he'd ever seen anything more beautiful in his life. Emma feels a shiver run down her spine because this is not déjà vu, this already happened once before on the day they had first laid eyes on each other in the Enchanted Forest; he'd been lying on the ground and she was looking down at him, just like now, but back then it had felt like she was rescuing him, and now he's going to be the one to rescue her, to give her love and hope and his arms to hold her until they either win or the time runs out.

"Sorry about that. I thought you were somebody else", he says and Emma smiles, offering him her hand because she wants to touch him again, wants to feel the rush of his skin against hers. "My hands are dirty."

He gets up without her help and somehow they end up standing close, their chests almost touching, and Emma puts her hands on his shoulders, raising on tiptoes and pressing her lips against his, a sigh escaping her when his arms wrap around her waist and he picks her up, magic spinning in the air around them as she gives him back everything that he didn't even knew he missed in the past twenty-six years.

Emma clings to him and tries not to think about things he doesn't know yet, honoring the promise she made in his last life; nothing matters except the present and how good it feels to kiss him again and hear him say that he loves her.

The wanderer is finally home.

* * *

Killian closes the shop and this time Emma doesn't drop everything on him at once, shushing his questions with a kiss and following him upstairs to his apartment.

"Let me just shower", he says and Emma steps closer, walking her fingers up his chest and unzipping his overalls slowly, her eyes never leaving his. He reaches behind her and unties the knot that's holding her top in place, her skin burning everywhere his fingers brush against it; she lets him pull the top off over her head, and he leans down to kiss her shoulder, his lips tracing a path downward as he unhooks her bra and she lets it fall on the ground.

"This has to come off", she says, wrestling his shirt off his shoulders so she can press her lips against his chest, her hands tracing the firm muscles of his back, smiling when he gasps because her tongue darts out of her mouth and teases his nipple.

Killian steps away and then picks her up slings her over his shoulder, carrying her to the bathroom and reminding her that underneath these modern clothes and mindset, he's still her pirate, he's still the only one that can make her feel like a princess that she is.

They finish undressing each other and step under the warm spray of water together, Killian pinning her against the wall when he kisses her, hard and rough and so very hot, his hands gripping her waist, her back arching because she can never be close enough to him.

"Oh, lass", he murmurs, water dripping from his wet hair and falling on her cheeks like rain, like all the tears she had cried since they've been cursed, only it doesn't hurt anymore because this is a new beginning, not an end.

Emma cups his face in her hand and he lifts her up, her legs wrapping around his waist as his lips tease her breasts, taking away the pain of the last seven years and making her forget about everything that came before because he's here with her and that's all that matters.

"I need you", she whispers against his ear, closing her eyes and holding on when he enters her because as always, her wish is his command and she has yet to come up with a request he won't fulfill.

Except the one to stay with her when his 32nd birthday arrives and it's time to go.

Emma opens her eyes and looks down at him, matching every movement of his hips with her own, telling herself that this life is different, that in this life they are going to find their happy ending and then nothing will keep them apart ever again.

Killian tangles his fingers in her wet hair and pulls her down for a kiss, and soon they are flying together, water cascading over them both and washing away the past, making way for a new future.

* * *

Later they lie facing each other in his bed, neither caring that it's the middle of the day because the rest of the world is insignificant in the great scheme of things; Emma knows that she should tell him about the curse now, but she can't, not yet.

"Is it weird?" She asks him instead, entwining the fingers of his left hand with hers and looking at his blue eyes dancing with amusement at her question.

"It is. But in a good way", he says, running his thumb over the back of her hand.

"Yeah?" She prompts him because she never asked him about it in his previous lives even though she had found herself reaching for his right hand more often than the left; there never was a left hand for her to reach for when they were back in Storybrooke, and she wonders if he would trade it back if it would mean they could go home.

"Yes, mainly because now I can touch you with two hands instead of just one", he says and flips her on her back to show her exactly what he means.

She never tells him that she would give her own hand to go back home with him.

* * *

This time, Emma prepares herself for disappointment and focuses only on the good things. They go on movie dates and dinners and spend a lot of weekends in bed, and when Emma discovers the Ninja in the garage she can't stop laughing because out of all the things that could be a constant in his multiple lives, it's the damn bike, but it comes in handy every time she gets her period and she just needs to get away.

It's not Killian's fault, but when she's around him she feels even more emotional and she's tired of crying; it's easier on the open road because there she doesn't have to think or feel anything except the wind in her hair, there she can focus only on controlling the bike instead of on the pain in her stomach and her heart.

And then, as it had every time before, September comes and there's nothing left to do except count down the days until they have to say goodbye.

Killian wakes her up with a kiss every morning before he goes downstairs to work and whispers that he loves her and that she's going to be okay, and Emma looks up at his blue eyes and smiles, never telling him that she won't be okay until she finds him again; she can't be okay if he's not there.

* * *

She was supposed to get her period by now. Killian's birthday is tomorrow and Emma was supposed to get her period by now, and she doesn't know what to do. She tells herself it doesn't matter anyway, that knowing for sure is only going to hurt her, but she can't stop herself from driving to the pharmacy and buying a pregnancy test to see if her and Killian had finally succeeded in making a baby, even if it's way too late.

Half an hour later Emma stands in the bathroom holding the test in her shaking hand and staring down at it, trying not to think, trying not to decide what she wants it to be; positive or not.

A tiny plus appears reluctantly and Emma drops the stick, pressing her hand to her mouth and shaking her head because this can't be happening, she can't be pregnant with Killian's baby when this life of his is going to end tomorrow.

Her knees hit the floor and she leans against the cool side of the bathtub, feeling so numb she can't even cry; that's how Killian finds her, his eyes widening when he spots the pregnancy test discarded next to her.

"Emma", he murmurs and she can't find the words to tell him how sorry she is, wishing she hadn't taken the test, wishing they never knew that there's a baby growing inside her that could've been their savior if they only had more time.

There's never more time, there's just this; an endless string of heartbreak and a future that only promises more of the same.

Killian sits down next to her and gathers her in his lap, and she loves him so much for not saying anything because he knows that nothing would help; there are no words that would make it easier or ease her pain. There's no doubt that he's hurting too, but he knows that it's worse for her because she's the one who's going to remember this moment so he just holds her, his lips pressed against her temple as she rests her head on his shoulder.

"What would we name her?" Emma says, staring at the wall across from them, her hand rubbing her flat belly absentmindedly. Killian covers it with his, entwining their fingers and stilling her movements.

"Don't do this to yourself", he tells her softly, and she had never heard him sound so devastated, not even when he was dying in her arms, his heart being squeezed in his chest by an invisible force that always takes him away from her.

"You're supposed to ask me how do I know it's a girl", she says and a sob escapes her, tears blurring her vision because she had prayed and dreamed about this baby for so long, not just because it would end their curse but also because it would be a part of them both, testifying how powerful their love was, is, and always going to be.

"Emma", he says her name brokenly and it sounds like "please"; it's the first time since she'd known him that he just doesn't know how to help her, can't come up with anything to say that would have a chance to make her feel better.

This pain is something nothing but time can heal, and time is what they don't have so Killian holds her in silence, kissing her cheek every couple of minutes to remind her that he loves her and that he's there, that they are in this together.

Emma closes her eyes and tries to focus only on him, not on a new life growing inside her that's never going to see the light of day, but she can't stop herself from wondering what their baby would look like; she bets her life that their daughter would look exactly like her father.

* * *

"There's one good thing that you can hold onto because of this baby", Killian tells her, only finding the right words when he's just a few minutes from dying again.

"What?" Emma asks him with a watery smile, her hand resting on his chest as if it can heal him and stop the curse from taking him away.

"If we've succeeded once, it means we're going to succeed again, and next time it won't be too late", Killian says and Emma feels his heartbeat slowing down until his chest is silent and she curses herself for not kissing him goodbye while he was still here.

And then it doesn't matter because she's gone too.

* * *

**Review?**


	6. Evansville, Indiana

**Friendly reminder that this fic hurts and it's only going to hurt more, so tissues at the ready! Happy ending is already written, and I think it's going to be worth it. Thank you for reading and reviewing; on with the feels!**

* * *

She can't find him anywhere.

It took her five years to track Killian to this city, but his number is unlisted and he doesn't come up in any searches she tries so she rents an apartment and settles in, hoping that somehow fate is going to bring them together like it did all those years ago when they had to cross between realms and defy the boundaries of time to meet each other.

Emma finds a job at a local convenience store and every night goes home alone, walking by the river and looking up at the starry sky, wondering what Killian is doing, is he alone like her, does he miss her without even realizing he does.

Is there a hole in his chest where his heart should be the way there's a hole in hers?

The only time she lets herself think about their baby is deep in the night, when the world is silent except the sobs that she can't contain because somewhere in Heaven there is a little girl or a little boy that could've been their salvation if they only had nine months more, and Emma knows she's never going to forget that.

* * *

The dawn is breaking and Emma is already wide awake, debating whether she should just give up and get up or stay in bed staring at the ceiling until her alarm clock goes off.

It turns out it's a good thing that she can't sleep because suddenly she can smell smoke, and it's getting worse by the second. Her stomach drops because she's on the fifth floor and there's no fire escape outside her window; her building is old and some sort of a historical monument.

Telling herself to move, Emma gets up and goes to the front door, puts on her uggs and almost reaches for the doorknob, but then hesitates because her hallway is rapidly filling with smoke. She puts her ear against the door and jumps back because there's horrible roaring coming from the other side, and the door knob is hot from five inches away.

The siren veils outside and she runs back to her room, opening the window and leaning out to see two red fire trucks parking across the street.

And then there's Killian, the first one to jump out of the truck closer to her; he's wearing the yellow suit and a helmet, but she'd recognize the way he moves anywhere.

"Killian", she yells, panic making her voice unrecognizable in her own ears, but she doesn't care because she's afraid and she needs him more than ever; this is not a fire like the one in Regina's office, this is something wilder, hungry and thundering, looking for a way in.

He's too far away for her to make out the look on his face, but he does see her and points at her as he gives instructions to the other firefighters. Emma watches a few of them run into the building, a crowd already gathering outside, and she recognizes some of her neighbors, most of them barefoot and wearing their pajamas.

The smoke is in her room now too and she sits on the windowsill coughing, her heart hammering in her chest until the ladder stretches from the truck to her window and Killian comes to get her; in that moment nothing else matters, not the fire and the smoke, not even the pain that came before today.

"Come", Killian says, standing on the ladder, offering her his hand, and it feels like they are on top of the beanstalk again and he's asking her to go home with him.

Emma takes his hand and squeezes hard, and his blue eyes study her for a moment before he asks her if they had met before.

"Don't you think we should get out of here first?" She asks him between coughs and he shakes himself and nods, helping her out. They descend the ladder together, his arms on either side of her making sure she doesn't fall.

She's not a damsel in distress and she'd probably object to anybody else treating her like this, but it's Killian, and she missed him, so she lets him.

Paramedics come to check her out because she's still coughing and she grabs Killian's sleeve and holds on, telling them that she's fine because she needs to kiss him first, needs to bring him back to her more than ever.

"Hey, it's alright. You're safe now", Killian says, laying his hand on her shoulder and giving her a reassuring smile. Emma wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him so forcefully he stumbles back a bit before he finds balance again and returns the kiss; Emma can hear people start clapping in the distance as if this is a Hollywood movie and the two of them have finally found their happy ending.

Maybe they are right.

* * *

Emma gets to ride in the fire truck, sitting on Killian's lap as he introduces her to the other firefighters as his one and only. They all look surprised but she doesn't care because there's no ring on his finger and even if there were other women in his life before, she's here now and he's all hers, just like she's his.

Killian goes to change because his shift is ending in half an hour and Emma waits in the kitchen of the station, declining offers for breakfast because she's too excited to eat. The future stretches ahead of them, six years of hope and possibility, and Emma can't stop smiling, can't stop believing that this time they are finally going to break the curse.

This time they are going to do everything right.

* * *

Killian drives them to his apartment on the other side of the river and when she asks him about the Ninja, he looks so adorably confused, reminding her of how he was when they first started dating, or as he would say it, when he started courting her.

"You're not making much sense, lass", he says, glancing at her as he shifts the gears so they make it across the intersection before the light turns from yellow to red.

"I guess this time it's this car instead", Emma says, sliding across the seat and sneaking her hand underneath his white t-shirt.

"Lass, stop it", he says softly, catching her hand in his and entwining their fingers on his thigh, but for some unfathomable reason he's unable to meet her gaze.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Emma asks him, her insides tied into knots because suddenly she's certain there's somebody waiting for him at home.

"I have to tell you something before…" He trails off, laughing hollowly and shaking his head. Emma pulls away, trying to stay calm, trying to keep her voice from trembling when she speaks.

"Is there somebody else?"

"No, Emma, it's nothing like that", he tells her, reaching for her hand again, glancing at her with one of those sad smiles she knew so well back in Storybrooke when he still had only one hand. Her eyes are drawn to the steering wheel and she doesn't understand what's going on because he's obviously got two hands just like he did in all his cursed lives.

Before she can try to figure it out they reach their destination and she follows him into his building and inside a rickety elevator. He punches the number for the third floor and leans against the wall, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her close, his nose brushing against hers before he kisses her, his tongue tracing her bottom lip until she opens up for him and a sigh escapes her because he tastes so good and his arms feel like home.

The elevator pings and he holds the door opened, still kissing her, his lips making her forget about her sore throat and the conversation in the car.

When they finally reach his apartment Emma's lips are swollen and sensitive, and even when he pulls away she can still feel the ghost of his scruff on her chin, still feel him holding her.

"What should I make you for breakfast?" He says and precedes her into the kitchen and Emma jogs to catch up, gripping his wrist and pulling him back around to face her.

"You're deflecting and it's scaring me", she tells him, looking up at his stormy eyes and waiting for him to read her like he always does; whatever it is, he can tell her.

"You show up and I turn into an insecure idiot", he says, cupping her cheek and kissing her forehead before taking her hand and leading it under his shirt.

At first she doesn't get it, because his skin feels like silk underneath her fingertips, softer than it ever did before, and it's only when he lets go of her hand and she trails it up that she realizes that there are tiny ridges and canyons everywhere she touches, his back nothing but one big scar.

There has been a fire that left its ugly mark on Killian's body, and what hurts Emma the most is that she wasn't there to tell him that it's nothing to be ashamed of, that he's still the most beautiful man she'd ever seen, that she's always going to love him the same; more than anybody else on Earth, more than life itself.

Emma pulls away just far enough to look up at him, her fingers still caressing his back, her free hand cupping his cheek. He meets her gaze square on and she smiles, saying the only three words that encompass everything she needs him to know.

"I love you."

* * *

It's long past noon by the time they emerge from the bedroom, Emma wearing his T-shirt that reaches to the middle of her thighs and smells exactly like him. He lifts her up on the counter in the kitchen and when he asks her what she wants to eat, she says pancakes with peanut butter.

Killian lifts his eyebrow at her but he makes her pancakes, and Emma smiles because she remembers Storybrooke, remembers his single venture into the kitchen when Henry found Mary Margaret's cookbook and the two of them set out to make her dinner.

They nearly burned down the entire apartment building.

"Slow down, love. Nobody's gonna steal them away from you", he says and she swallows, smiling and offering him a bite. His eyes lock on hers as his lips wrap around the fork and she's suddenly breathless, her tongue licking her lips, her hand slowly lowering the fork and dropping it on the counter beside her.

Killian turns off the stove and she pulls him close, opening her knees so he can stand in front of her, his arms crushing her against him when he kisses her.

She can taste peanut butter on his lips and she's hungry for him again, her legs wrapping around his waist, her nails digging into his biceps when his tongue tangles with hers.

And then his beeper goes off and he presses his forehead against her shoulder in frustration, still holding her tight, the fire between them burning hotter than ever.

"Is it important?" She asks, pressing a kiss just beneath his ear, smiling when he practically growls, his hips pressing against her just right, her eyes drifting closed.

"It must be something serious, otherwise they wouldn't have called; I was supposed to have today and tomorrow off", he says and she can hear in his voice that the last thing he wants to do is go, but he's not just her pirate anymore, he's also a Lieutenant in the Squad 13, and right now there are people in this city who need him more than she does.

"Then go. I'll still be here when you come back. And I'll even leave you a pancake", Emma says, trailing kisses along his jaw until she reaches his lips again.

"Just one?" He says and Emma giggles, joy filling her because tonight she's not going to lie in her cold bed, tonight she's going to fall asleep to the sound of the sweetest lullaby in the world; his "I love you, Emma".

"Maybe two if you're quick enough", she says and he kisses her one more time before picking up his jeans from the floor in the living room and putting them on along with a t-shirt he finds on the couch, leaving her the one she's wearing.

"I'll be back before you know it", he says and winks at her, and then he's gone, and she never sees him again.

* * *

The fire that takes Killian away from her burns down an abandoned factory at the outskirts of town, and his death is so pointless that sometimes Emma can't breathe from useless rage coursing through her.

He gets a hero's funeral and Emma stands next to his grave, accepting his badge and name tag from the Fire Chief, trying her best not to scream, not to punch him because he had sent Killian into that factory; he sent him to his death.

They were supposed to have years, and all they got was a couple of hours.

For the first time since the curse, Emma prays that his would-be 32nd birthday comes quicker, dread filling her at the possibility that when it does, she stays exactly where she is now, time keeping her exactly where she doesn't want to be; without him, without hope for a happy ending.

* * *

For seven years Emma lives with the worst fear imaginable, feeling disconnected from the world around her, going back to stealing for a living because she can't stand to be at one place for longer than a few weeks.

The only things she's got of Killian's are his car and that shirt she wore when she'd seen him last, and she sleeps in it every night, telling herself that she can still smell him in its folds, telling herself that it feels just like his arms around her.

When June 27th arrives, Emma stays in bed, trying not to think, trying to ignore the nasty voice in the back of her mind that keeps telling her that she's never going to see either Killian or her family again, that all she's going to get is this empty life and then nothing but the cold comfort of her own death.

And then she feels the pull in her stomach, time taking her back, laughter bubbling out of her because it's okay; somewhere out there Killian is waiting for her and even though she's always going to mourn this Killian, the relief is greater than the pain.

Past claims her and a new future opens up in front of her, a future where Killian is alive and well, possibilities endless, both of their hearts still unbroken.

* * *

**Review?**


	7. Montgomery, Alabama

**Since the first draft is almost finished, have a new chapter; you're going to have to decide for yourself if it's more or less heartbreaking than the last one. Thank you for reading and try not to yell at me too much because believe it or not, this story hurt me too.**

* * *

By the time Emma finds Killian again it's been sixteen years since the day she'd seen him last, since he made love to her in the pale light of dawn and promised her that he'd be back soon. She's tired of being alone and anxious to see him, to make sure that they still have a chance to break this curse so she can finally rest.

Emma crosses the road to 1st Elementary school where Killian is supposed to be teaching fourth grade, smiling faintly at his choice of profession, wondering if there's something inside telling him that a child is the only one who can save him.

And then she sees him, sitting against a big oak tree, surrounded with little boys and girls that to Emma look like Henry even though she can't even remember their son's face anymore, and as she watches them all laugh at something Killian says, she realizes that she can't mess his life again. She can't remember ever seeing him this happy, and her decision to stay away strengthens even more when he looks up and their eyes meet across the parking lot.

Emma feels a hundred years old, and she is, but even though she's so sad, so heartbroken and tired, it's enough to see his face for her to smile a genuine, bright smile that he returns before one of the children says something that gets his attention.

Even though she wants to stay there and at least talk to him, she forces herself to turn around and walk away. She tells herself that maybe there's another way to break the curse, and that's to sacrifice her time with him, never kiss him and give him back his memories, never wake up to him watching her sleep, never feel him trace her hip with his fingertips.

It's a small price to pay if everything goes back to the way it used to be, if she never has to watch him die again.

* * *

Emma can't make herself leave this town and go somewhere else. She knows it's stupid and pointless, but she needs to be close to him, needs to know that he's sleeping somewhere not far away from her, maybe even dreaming of her the way she's dreaming of him.

The motel she'd been staying in is horrible so she rents a tiny apartment and finds a job as a waitress, both her temporary home and work within fifteen minutes walk from Killian's school. She does everything to allow them to bump into each other accidentally, and when it finally happens, when she sees a black Ninja parked outside of a convenience store she's about to do some emergency shopping in, she almost doesn't come in.

"Maybe it's not his", she says under her breath as she passes by the bike, resolutely opening the door and grabbing a shopping basket, filling it with everything she needs and refusing to look around for him.

Her attention is so focused on the shelves in front of her that she doesn't even hear his approach, and when they both reach for the last packet of cinnamon she shrieks and almost jumps out of her skin.

"I'm sorry! Didn't mean to startle you", he says, his hand falling on her shoulder in a steadying motion that only rattles her further.

Emma stands there frozen, unable to look away from his eyes, unable to think, unable to make her legs move and walk away from him.

"You look like you're about to faint", Killian says, concern in his voice finally making her snap out of it, and she even manages to smile when she shakes her head and tells him she's fine.

"I just didn't expect you in this particular part of the store", she says, looking at the shelf where that last packet of cinnamon awaits for one of them.

"Yeah, that. I felt the strangest urge to have some hot chocolate, and we were out of cinnamon", he says, and Emma's heart drops in her chest; he doesn't have a ring on his finger but it sounds like there's somebody waiting for him at home.

"You're only the second person I've ever met who loves cinnamon on his chocolate", Emma says softly, sticking her hand in her jacket pocket so she doesn't reach for Killian, determinated to test her theory about a different way to break the curse.

"Who was the first?" He asks her, and there's something in his eyes, a certain familiarity that shouldn't be there but it is; it's always like this because she's imprinted on his heart even when he doesn't know who she is, even when he thinks he doesn't know her name.

"Somebody I haven't seen in a long time", she answers, wondering what's Henry doing, trying to believe that her parents are keeping him well away from Regina.

"You should take it", Killian says and takes the packet off the shelf, offering it to her with a crooked smile that makes it hard for her to decline his offer.

"You were the one who was craving hot chocolate with cinnamon", she says and keeps her hand in her pocket.

"I insist", he says and drops it into her shopping basket so that it slips to the bottom and she wouldn't be able to reach it without taking everything else out first.

"Thank you", Emma says, wishing they could stay like this just a little bit longer, wishing she could just look at him and re-learn all the smiles and eyebrow raises she had forgotten.

"I didn't really do anything", he says, and starts walking backwards as if he can't tear his eyes away from her either. "I'm gonna hit however many convenience stores I need until I find my cinnamon."

He finally turns and walks away and Emma finds that she can't let him go, can't risk never seeing him again in this life.

"Wait", she calls after him and comes to him when he stops and turns back with an amused smile. "My apartment is just around the corner, if you want to have that hot chocolate without having to waste time shopping."

She doesn't expect him to accept her offer but she feels that she owes it to them to at least try, even if all she's offering is a hot beverage and a chance to discover what's he about in this life. His phone vibrates in his pocket but he ignores it, his smile growing as he sweeps his arm out so she precedes him to the cash register.

"After you", he says and Emma tries not to think about whoever's waiting for him at home because this is not a beginning of a love story, this is just her trying to be his friend and be a part of his life without messing everything up.

* * *

Killian is sitting in her living room as she busies herself in the kitchen and since there's just a bar separating the two they continue the conversation they've started on the way here. He tells her that he's twenty-eight (which she already knew) and that he's been a teacher for the past five (which she didn't), that his parents are dead and that his girlfriend sometimes drives him crazy with her jealousy.

"I wonder what she'd make of this", Emma teases, handing him his cup and sitting on the opposite end of the couch from him.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but… you look like you're in a desperate need of a friend", he says and Emma chuckles because he can still read her like an open book. "What's so funny?"

"If this were a movie we'd probably be in my bedroom by now", she says and smiles faintly, then takes a sip of his chocolate and closes his eyes; Emma tells herself that she can do this, she can be just his friend, but when he looks at her over the rim of his cup it's impossible not to wonder if he can be just her friend too.

* * *

At first it's just hot chocolate every other week; he shows up with cinnamon and they sit in the living room and talk about everything except his relationship, and Emma is okay with that.

When he invites her to a concert he thinks she'd like to go to she spends two days agonizing over her decision until she finally accepts his offer and it's the best night she's had in forever despite the fact that they go as friends and take separate cabs home.

After that, it's something almost every week; cinema, theatre, even a couple museums. It's like he's determinated to see everything this town has to offer with her, and she can't tell him no.

It's been a little over two years when he shows up at her place in the middle of the night, wet hair falling into his eyes because it's raining like crazy outside and apparently he'd taken the bike.

"Are you insane? You could've had an accident", Emma exclaims, stepping aside to let him in and wrapping her bathrobe tighter around herself.

"I had to get away from her", he says and Emma closes the door gently, taking her time with all the locks so she doesn't have to face him yet.

"Why?"

"Because she accused me of having an affair", Killian says and Emma looks at him over her shoulder, watching him run his hands through his hair, his jaw clenched and his eyes flashing with anger.

"Did you tell her that you're not?" Emma asks, brushing past him on the way to the kitchen.

"Of course I did", he says and follows after her, dropping down on a bar stool and unzipping his leather jacket.

"And when she didn't believe that you're telling her the truth you just stormed off?" Emma asks and lifts an eyebrow at him because she probably wouldn't believe him either after he pulled something like that.

"She told me that I've been seen with a beautiful blonde all over town and that she's gonna leave me if I don't stop seeing her", Killian says and Emma puts the chocolate on the stove and focuses on stirring it because she can't bring herself to ask him if this is the last time he's coming over.

Killian gets up and turns off the stove, then places his hand on her waist and makes her face him.

"Killian, don't-", she starts to say but he shushes her and smiles, his blue eyes locked on hers when he speaks.

"Hear me out. I know you're not looking for romance right now, and I can live with that. What I can't live with is staying away from you, so I'm not going to", he tells her and presses his lips against her forehead before turning the stove back on and going to sit in the living room.

Emma bites her lip and wishes she could tell him that she's not looking for romance because she'd already found it with him; no matter how much they pretend to be friends, they aren't friends, they could never be friends.

Every accidental touch is a caress, and those handful of times he'd kissed her cheek he might've been kissing her lips because she had felt it on her heart.

His birthday is in less than ten months and if it works, they are going to have a lifetime to make up for lost time.

* * *

They see each other almost every day and Killian never even tries to kiss her; he seems to be under the impression that she needs time to see that she can trust him because of some traumatic experience in her past, and there are many occasions when she's so close to breaking and telling him everything that the only alternative is to run away from him.

He always comes looking for her and never asks for an explanation, which makes her long for her pirate even more than usual because even though he'd forgive her as easily, he'd demand to know what's going on.

Emma is grateful that Killian's birthday is on a Sunday because she needs to be with him in case everything happens the same way it did before; she'd rather not put his class through watching Killian dying because those kids love him so much and even if this entire reality blips out of existence when Emma goes back in time, she feels like she should take care of them anyway.

Still, she's fairly convinced that this is going to work because Gold and Regina had to have put something in the curse that would allow them to stop it from happening if they ever needed it, for whatever reason.

Killian is sleeping on her couch because she insisted on throwing him a birthday party last night and when it ended he was a bit drunk and she didn't let him drive home. Emma kneels next to the couch and looks at him, smiling at the way he wrinkles his nose in his sleep and mumbles something before throwing off the blanket, his breathing evening out again.

She could watch him forever and never get bored, and she tells herself that soon they are going to have all the time in the world, soon they are going to be back in Storybrooke and she's going to wrap her arms around him and kiss him for the first time in twenty years.

Killian sits up clutching his chest and Emma just stares up at him, unable to believe that this is happening again, that he's gasping for breath, that he's dying.

"Emma", he chokes out and she finally moves, sitting on the couch and easing him back down, her hand covering his on his chest.

"Shhh", she coos, wiping away a tear that rolls down his cheek. "You're okay."

And then she leans down and kisses him because she can't stand the thought of him leaving her again without even knowing who she was, and who they were together.

"Oh lass", he says, understanding dawning in his eyes just as he takes one last breath and then he's gone, blue eyes still locked on hers even though he can't see her anymore.

"I'm sorry", Emma whispers and closes her eyes as time pulls her back and everything starts anew.

* * *

**Review?**


	8. Phoenix, Arizona

**The response to the last chapter was amazing and I'm so happy you understood why Emma did what she did... I can only hope you get her in this chapter too! It's a bit darker than my usual stuff and you're probably not going to like this Killian much, but don't worry; I don't like him either. Thank you so much for everything, you're the best!**

* * *

After her failed experiment Emma is even more determined than usual to find Killian as soon as possible, but she's coming to the realization that it's not really up to her. It feels like it's already predestined, that it's not her skill at finding people that lets her find him fast or slow; no matter how hard she tries she only finds him when it's time for her to find him.

This time, it takes her eight years and when she does it's like a slap because he's in prison, serving time for armed robbery that went wrong; he had killed one of the hostages, which means he won't be out before his 45th birthday, thirteen years too late.

Emma had always known that Killian Jones was no innocent, that he had killed people and felt little remorse for his actions, but since she'd known him his worst crime had been shooting Belle and Emma never blamed him for it because she understood his quest for revenge all too well.

She doesn't know if she can forgive him for this, but she still goes to see him, hopelessness flooring her when she enters the room split in two with a glass wall and finds him already waiting for her on the wrong side of it.

He's always waiting and she always comes, and even though he shouldn't know anything about her, there's always something in his eyes that lets her know that deep down inside he knows she's special, knows that he should remember her name, remember who she is to him, only he can't.

Emma sits in a chair across from him and reaches for the telephone, her eyes shining with tears because he's here, his face just half a feet away from hers but still too far; she can't kiss him and breathe her pirate back into him.

"Hey", she says softly, her free hand pressing against the glass like it's got a will of its own; and then there he is, a hardened criminal, a killer even, with arms covered in tattoos and a nasty scar adorning his neck, reaching out his hand and pressing it against hers on his side of the glass.

"Who are you?" He asks her, and his voice in her ear is like a caress even though his eyes are hard and he drops his hand from the glass, looking at it as if he'd never seen it before.

"Somebody who loves you", Emma says and he raises his eyebrows at her but he's not hanging up; if anything, he's hanging onto her every word.

"I don't remember you… but then again, there have been so many-", he trails off, and it's his turn to look at her like he expects her to hang up and leave, never to return.

She can't. Everything about this hurts, but ultimately it's her own fault; he'd never asked her to bring him back, and even if he would've done the same, it was still her decision, and now she has to face the consequences.

"It was a long time ago", Emma says, offering him a meek smile because it's clear her story is too far-fetched for him to believe her; if it was so long ago, why is she here now?

"Could you bring me smokes next time you come?" He asks her and she laughs, a sad and desperate sound that explodes out of her because she doesn't know what's sadder; the fact that he's asking favors from a person he'd never actually met or his trust that there's going to be a next time.

No matter the circumstances, she's always an open book to him, and right now it's the only comforting thing she's got left.

* * *

Killian gets one visit a month and Emma is the only one who comes to see him, which is both sad and a relief. He never asks her when exactly had they supposedly met and what was it that he'd done to make her fall in love with him, and she never asks him how the robbery played out and if he regrets that people had died.

In time she learns that he's casually cruel and that he keeps taking her visits only because she always brings him everything he asks for, but Emma can't stay away from him; he's nothing like her pirate because even at his worst he never did anything to hurt her.

This Killian does nothing but break her heart, and she keeps coming back for more.

* * *

Emma comes home from work exhausted, looking forward to a long bubble bath and a glass of wine, but her plans are instantly forgotten because there's a letter in her mail box from Killian and she tears it open right then and there.

Inside are three pages of detailed descriptions of everything he'd do to her if he'd be able to get her alone and Emma would find it disgusting if it weren't for the fact that he looks like her Killian, if there wasn't something in his eyes sometimes, a certain way he looks at her that makes her forget that he's not hers, that he never will be, and that he's only taking advantage of her.

She feels like she's losing herself, becoming somebody she never thought she'd be, somebody she doesn't even like that much, but the only good thing about the curse is that every time she goes back in time she can start over and decide again who she wants to be.

Next month she goes to see Killian again and doesn't mention the letter, doesn't tell him to refrain from writing such a thing again, and when another letter arrives, she hungrily reads every word.

* * *

"They might let me come out earlier than I expected", Killian tells her and Emma's stomach drops because she's not so sure she wants him out. She immediately feels guilty for feeling that way because if he comes out she can kiss him and bring her Killian back to balance him out, even though it wouldn't change the fact that this Killian is a bigger mess than hers ever was.

"How much earlier?" She asks him casually and tries to hide her relief when he tells her that he'll probably be out by his 40th birthday.

"Are you gonna wait for me, Emma?" He asks her, and she can't believe her ears because he sounds so sincere, almost desperate to hear her say she would. His eyes are locked on hers and she feels that she doesn't have any choice; she tells him she would.

She'd already been waiting for him for over a century, and he doesn't even know it.

* * *

A couple of months before his 32nd birthday his usual letter feels heavier in her hand and she brings it up to her apartment; when she opens it the keys on a keychain shaped like a skull fall out, and even before she reads the letter she knows they are for the Ninja.

The bike itself is in a storage locker downtown and Emma goes there immediately, fragile wisps of memories haunting her because last time she got the keys like this she'd been in a prison in this exact same city, pregnant with Henry and feeling so very alone; the longer she lives the more she sees that all history ever does is repeat itself.

Emma drives the Ninja back home down deserted streets of Phoenix, grinning so wide her cheeks hurt because somehow, for some unfathomable reason, Killian Jones that has very little in common with her true love had fallen for her and gave her his most prized possession; hope springs up in her because if he can still love her when he's like this, if their love is so strong to overcome that, then it has to be strong enough to someday give them their miracle, their happy ending.

For so long Emma longed for this life to be over so she can begin again, but now that Killian's death is almost at her door, she doesn't want it anymore, doesn't want to think about having to look for him again.

Sadly, this life and this curse had never asked her what she wanted.

* * *

"Enjoying my bike, Swan?" He asks her next time she visits him and even though he's trying to play it casual it's clear that he needs her to acknowledge what it means that he gave her his bike.

"Not as much as I'd enjoy it if you came with it", Emma says and winks at him, his eyes darkening as his mind goes straight to the gutter. It's exactly what she wanted, and she's already looking forward for his next letter because she knows what's going to be in it.

When it arrives she laughs at first because she'd been right, but the longer she reads the hotter she feels, cursing his way with words and longing for Killian's arms around her more than ever.

* * *

On the day of Killian's 32nd birthday Emma arrives in prison a little later than usual and signs in, her stomach tied into knots because she can only hope that she timed this right so her visit coincides with Killian's death. This time she'd have the perfect excuse to stay away and not see him die again, but she can't let him be alone when it happens; she loves him too much.

"Are you okay?" Killian asks her as soon as he comes in a picks up the phone, and Emma barely recognizes him because he'd come such a long way from the person he was when she first came to see him; this is her sixty-seventh visit, and he'd never been more like her pirate than he is now.

"Of course. Everything fine with you?" Emma asks him, unconsciously leaning forward, her entire being tensed because she's waiting for the moment he clutches his chest and looks at her like she's the only one who can save him.

"Yeah… I'm always okay", he says and smiles, and despite the fact that it's been so long since she climbed the beanstalk with Captain Hook, she remembers this smile, she remembers _him_ so well she could swear she can smell his unique scent even through the tick glass.

"Do you need anything?" She asks him even though she knows this is the last time, her heart hammering in her chest at the thought of losing him.

She never thought she'd feel like this, she never thought she'd love this Killian because where loving his last incarnation was so easy, loving this one is the hardest thing ever, and yet she does; it's not because he looks like her Killian, it's because his essence is the same, and she only had to talk to him to bring it out.

"Nothing except you", Killian says and Emma bites the inside of her mouth, giving him a self-satisfied smile because that's what he expects.

"Careful, there, tough guy, or I'm going to think you've developed feelings for me", she says, and he laughs, and she feels loved.

Their time runs out and he's still okay, so Emma stalls for as long as the guards let her, but eventually they take him away and he looks at her over his shoulder one last time, mouthing "see you" before he's gone.

Emma sits in her car outside of the prison for about twenty minutes when she feels a stab in her gut, tears welling in her eyes because somewhere on the other side of the wall Killian is dying and he doesn't understand what's happening to him. Emma welcomes her pain because it makes her feel closer to him, her hands gripping the wheel tightly until it subsides and she knows that it's time for her to start again.

The pain is soon replaced with that alien rushing in her stomach that pulls her back and she closes her eyes; her last coherent thought before darkness surrounds her is a prayer that next time she sees Killian, she's able to touch him, able to kiss him and hear her pirate tell her that he still loves her, that he's never going to stop loving her.

* * *

**Review?**


	9. Cheyenne, Wyoming

**Seriously, guys, you're too good to me! When I started writing this fic I thought you'd maybe read a few chapters and then came back for the ending, but you're sticking with it and it makes me so so so happy! Thank you! Also, you're going to hate me for this chapter like you never did before (I cried actual tears over it), so tissues at the ready and my sincerest apologies! **

* * *

It's been eighteen years since the last time Emma touched Killian, so when she finally locates him she barely acknowledges the fact that he's in a hospital, and even worse, on an oncology ward.

His room is at the very end of the long hallway and Emma tries not to look into the rooms she passes by, but her eyes seem to have a will of their own and dread is rapidly filling her gut because there's so much suffering here and she doesn't want to see the same in Killian's eyes.

Still, it's been too long and she doesn't hesitate in front of his door, opening it and slipping inside before leaning against it and finally looking at him.

She barely recognizes him.

His hair is barely half an inch long, he's so young and so painfully thin that her heart contracts painfully in her chest, but the eyes she loves are still the same, still impossibly blue when they lock on hers and he sits up a little straighter as he waits for her to speak.

"Killian", his name escapes her and it sounds like hope dying because she knows just by looking at him that he doesn't have very long.

"Yes… And who might you be?" He asks her and he sounds the same as ever, his curious smile making her come closer as she hunts for the right words.

"I'm Emma", she finally says, standing next to his bed awkwardly, so shocked and devastated by his condition that for a moment she can't even remember what she's supposed to do to make him remember her.

"Nice to meet you Emma, but, what are you doing here?" He asks her, leaning against his pillow and looking up at her as if he's got all the time in the world to wait for her to answer, as if the clock is not counting down the moments until he's gone.

"I-", she starts to say when the door opens and a tall, dark-haired woman enters, frowning when she sees Emma.

"Hello", the woman says cautiously, and Emma responds in kind. "Who's this, Killian?"

"Mom, c'mon. You're being rude", Killian says and Emma finds it fitting that this is the first life in which he's got a parent because he'd never needed people who love him more than he does now.

"I'm Emma Swan", Emma says and offers her hand to Killian's mother who takes it reluctantly, and Emma finally realizes that this must look very weird to her; there's a thirty year old woman standing next to her twenty-something son's bed and looking at him as if he's the love of her life.

"Miranda Jones", Killian's mother says and quickly releases Emma's hand, sitting down next to Killian. Both of them look up at Emma expectantly and she doesn't know what to do now.

"Emma was just about to tell me what she's doing here", Killian says and Emma nods, realizing that there's no way she can do this graciously.

"I'm a kissogram", she says and avoids Mrs. Jones' eyes because what she's doing is appalling. If it wasn't for the fact that she didn't talk to her pirate in almost thirty years she would've run from this room and came back when he was alone, but she didn't and she can't wait any longer.

"You're a what?!" Mrs. Jones exclaims and Killian laughs, his shoulders shaking until he starts coughing and he has to reach for his oxygen mask.

"What's so funny?" Emma asks, glancing at Mrs. Jones who puts her hand on Killian's shoulder and shakes her head.

"You're obviously not a kissogram because he doesn't know anybody who'd send him one."

Emma raises her eyebrow at Killian and he finally sees something in her that makes him ask his mother to leave them alone for a bit. She tries to argue but after he tells her that he's not a baby anymore she finally leaves them alone.

"Sorry about that", he says and Emma sits on the bed next to him, reaching out her hand and caressing his cheek, smiling when he takes off the oxygen mask and raises his eyebrow at her in a silent dare.

"I'm not really a kissogram", Emma says and leans down, closes her eyes and finally, finally, after what feels like forever, presses her lips against his. At first he's frozen, but then the magic between them sparks into life and he remembers, his arms closing around her and pulling her down until he cradles her against him.

"Emma", he murmurs against her lips, kissing her like he'd never kissed her before, like a drowning man gasping for air, trying to breathe under water even though he knows it's futile.

His name on her lips is what breaks her and she pulls away, squeezing her eyes shut against the tears that she doesn't want him to see.

"Hey, Emma", he says gently, brushing hair off her forehead, his voice making her open her eyes and look at him. "I'm okay."

His brave smile is too much for her to take because what he just said is such a blatant lie and they both know it, and Emma doesn't know how to fight her tears anymore so she takes off her shoes and lies down next to him, weeping silently with her face buried in his shoulder because she knows how much her tears hurt him.

He keeps murmuring nonsense in her ear, his fingers sifting through her hair ceaselessly, but there's too much hurt accumulated in her for it to work; for the first time she's not only crying for herself and the future they won't have, she's also crying for him and the pain he had to go through because she was too stubborn to let him go all those years ago.

"How long do we have?" She finally finds the courage to ask him what feels like hours later, but she still can't find the courage to face him.

"The doctors say six months, but the hell do they know, right?" He says and a sob escapes her because she had hoped for years, for him to survive until his 32nd birthday, and it only really hit her now that it wouldn't matter; cancer is a death sentence and there would be no happy ending for them in this life.

When Emma tells him about the curse, she doesn't mention that a baby could save them because it's not salvation if she loses him.

* * *

Emma spends entire days with Killian, ignoring everybody who tries to make her leave, which includes his mother, and after a while they all give up. Every time she kisses him, it feels like it's the last time already and his embrace is a little bit more desperate, but as soon as his hand wanders under her shirt Emma pulls away, telling him he's too sick for that instead of admitting the truth.

He never pushes it and after a while he stops trying entirely, and it scares her more than anything else because no matter the life, Killian Jones is not a quitter. It's not until she barges in one day when he's changing his shirt and he tries to cover himself that she finally reads his mind and realizes that he thinks she's refusing to have sex with him because she doesn't want to see his scarred body.

Emma slams the door shut and crosses the room, kissing him passionately, for the moment not worrying about anything except how to show him that she wants him, that she always wants him, one hand or two, scars or not.

Her hand reaches for the waistband of his pajama bottoms and he pushes her away almost violently, turning away from her as he puts on his shirt and slowly walks to his bed.

"I don't need a pity fuck, Emma", he says and she can't believe she could've been so stupid, so blinded by her own pain that she never saw his.

"If I give birth to your baby the curse is broken", she tells him, and his head snaps up, his eyes boring into hers.

"Excuse me?!"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I didn't want us to spend these last few months arguing whether or not we should try making a baby", Emma says, still standing in the middle of the room because she's not sure he wants her to touch him right now.

"How many times have you seen me die so far? Six, seven?" He asks her softly, and Emma wraps her arms around herself, biting her lip and telling him the truth.

"Seven."

"So why would you throw away a chance, however slim it were, of us ending this curse?" He asks her, his blue eyes so tired, so full of pain that she can't stay away from him, can't fight her need to offer him comfort.

"You know why", Emma says and sits down next to him, reaching for his hand and breathing a soft sigh of relief when he lets her take it and entwines their fingers together.

"I know, Emma, but you keep saying you're tired of watching me die and still you're willing to do it God knows how many more times."

"I am tired of watching you die, but it's better than the alternative. I don't want to go back to Storybrooke without you… I can't", she tells him, sneaking her free hand under his shirt and running it over his side; it's been so long since she touched him like that and warmth surges through her instantly, her eyes closing as she revels in the feeling of his skin underneath her fingers.

"I want you to be happy, Emma, and what you're forced to do is killing me", he tells her and lays her down on his bed, his hip poking her stomach because he's so thin, but at that moment she doesn't care; they only have months and soon he's going to be too sick to even get up from this bed.

"Shhh, I'm okay", Emma lies and pulls him down for a kiss, and this time when he lifts her shirt and his fingers ghost over her ribs she doesn't stop him.

After all, there's always the morning-after pill to be 100 percent sure she doesn't end up pregnant, because she doesn't know how to deny him this, doesn't know how to tell him to stop when for all she knows this might've been his last wish, this might've been the last good day he's going to get in this life.

* * *

It's a horrible, but Emma comes to wish for Killian's death to come quickly even though he keeps telling her that he wants to stay; his eyes keep telling her that he doesn't want to leave her even when the pain is so great he can only lie in his bed and squeeze her fingers, gasping for breath in between crying out because it hurts too much for him to stay silent.

He keeps telling her that he's sorry she has to see him like this and for the first time she wishes she had refused Gold's offer and let Killian rest in peace because it's too much, it's her worst nightmare coming true; if she could do everything again, she'd gladly embrace dealing with the pain of losing him because it would spare him such suffering.

On the night he dies Emma isn't there; for the first time in almost a week she leaves the hospital and goes home to sleep in her own bed for a couple of hours, and by the time she returns he's already gone.

Mrs. Jones is sitting on his empty bed waiting for her and Emma barely makes it to the chair next to it before her knees give out; she covers her face with her hands and takes deep breaths until the stabbing pain in her chest lessens.

It's not going to go away in this life and she knows it.

"Please tell me he went peacefully", Emma chokes out and Mrs. Jones kneels next to her and embraces her tightly, the two of them crying and clinging to each other until the nurses make them leave, and it's only then that Mrs. Jones tells her that the last thing Killian had said before he closed his eyes was Emma's name.

* * *

After the funeral Emma packs her stuff and goes to see Mrs. Jones one last time, asking her if she'd be willing to sell her Killian's bike. Mrs. Jones frowns and tells her that Killian had never owned a bike and Emma feels a sudden chill, trying not to read too much into it and failing miserably because it feels like too much of a coincidence.

On every June 27th for the next seven years Emma goes back to Wyoming, laying some flowers on Killian's grave and talking to his tombstone as if he can hear her; she tells him that she's so sorry, and that she loves him so much.

She tells him that she's never going to give up on them, and when the time comes to go back, she prays for just one thing: that he never again has to suffer the way he did in this life.

* * *

**Review?**


	10. Boston, Massachusetts

**Thank you so much for everything, you guys rock! You're probably gonna need tissues for this chapter too, although it's not as sad as the last one. Also, I'm not gonna tell you how many chapters there's going to be, but I think you're going to recognize the second to last chapter easily. And now, on with the story!**

* * *

For the first time since Emma started doing this, she doesn't find Killian; she stumbles upon a book written by him.

It's been eighteen years since she lost her last Killian and she had never been so desperate to find him again; it feels like a divine intervention when she passes by a bookstore and something she catches out of the corner of her eye makes her look again.

In the display window is a book called "The Sea in Her Eyes", and the name beneath the title is his. Emma stands there for a good long while, unable to believe that she could be this lucky before finally entering the bookstore and buying the book, clutching it to her chest and going back to her car.

The book is about a married woman running away with a pirate just to meet her death at the hand of her ex husband. Her name is Stella and the pirate's name is James, but it's clear that somehow Killian remembered his past with Milah and the book is about that.

Emma lies on the uncomfortable bed in her motel room and reads the entire book in one day, and she's so disappointed because instead of exacting revenge on the man who took Stella from him or finding a new love, James meets his bloody death in a pointless duel; Emma feels like she had lost her pirate all over again. Still, on the back cover of the book there's information about the author and it says that he lives in Boston, so she wipes her wet cheeks and packs what few belongings she possesses and goes on the road that leads to Killian, his book sitting in the passenger seat like a silent reminder that something always brings them together.

* * *

Luck seems to follow Emma because a week after she arrives in Boston there's a book signing in one of the bookstores and there's finally Killian, reaching out his hand for her book and pausing when he sees her, a spark passing between them the way it always does. Emma gives him the book and he takes it, still staring up at her with those beautiful eyes of his as if he's trying to remember something that's been forgotten for so long, but somehow it's finally coming back to him.

"What's your name?" He asks her softly and Emma tells him, watching him open the cover of the book and write: all my love, Killian.

Emma smiles faintly because he looks horrified at what he just wrote; he gives her an apologetic look and when she leans down to take the book her lips find his all on their own, the line of fans behind her erupting in outrage.

Killian looks dazed for a moment, but then he smiles and gets up, taking her by the hand and leading her away.

"You're disappointing your fans", Emma says, tugging on his hand until he stops, turns back to her and kisses her again, his free hand grasping her waist and pulling her closer to him.

"As long as I'm not disappointing you, love", he says and Emma wraps her arms around his neck, still holding his book.

After all, it's what brought them together.

He leads her to the underground garage and seeing his Ninja feels like coming home; Emma sighs with relief and lets him take her away, leaving her loneliness and heartbreak behind.

* * *

Killian's agent and publisher are angry, his fans are spamming his twitter with hate, but Emma is too happy that he's okay this time, that he's not sick and dying, that they still have a year ahead of them, to care for any of it. They are hidden in his bedroom where nothing can touch them, where he makes love to her again and again, where there's only love and happiness surrounding them.

Emma puts off telling him about the curse for a couple of days because she knows it's going to make them both so desperate to break it that it's going to be hard not to let sex become a chore.

"How many times have you seen me die?" Killian asks her gently, as if his voice alone could break her, and she can't remember him ever being so attuned to her feelings before; it's always been more about breaking the curse, than about what she went through, and she thinks she loves this Killian better than all the rest.

"This is your ninth life", she tells him, tracing his flawless cheek with her thumb, still surprised when she doesn't feel the faint scar under her fingertip.

"I'm sorry, lass", he says, lifting her free hand to his lips, and she can see in his eyes that he'd trade places with her in a second.

She wouldn't let him, because even though he thinks he understands her pain, he can't, and she would rather take it herself than let him go through it.

* * *

As it always does, the time for making a baby runs out and Emma sits next to Killian on the couch, staring at a negative pregnancy test and trying not to cry.

Killian doesn't say anything, just pulls her against his side and presses his lips against her temple, his hand rubbing up and down her arm.

"What if we never break this curse?" She asks him because she can't hold onto hope today, she can't keep the faith that everything's going to be alright, that their story is going to have a happy ending eventually.

"We will", he says and Emma looks up at him, the conviction in his voice and eyes making her heart trip in her chest.

"How can you be so sure?" She asks softly and he shifts her until she's in his lap, his warm breath tickling her when he speaks.

"Because no one has ever loved anybody as much as I love you, because you love me so much that you spend years alone looking for me and you never give up, because that kind of love is forever and it can break any curse", he says, the words like a song in her ear, wrapping around her like his arms and making her believe again.

All she ever needs is him to believe in her, and he always does.

* * *

Emma wakes up in the middle of the night and finds Killian typing furiously in the kitchen. He quickly closes the laptop when she approaches and tells her that she can't see until he's done writing it. Before she can object he kisses her and lifts her up on the kitchen counter, his hands going under her shirt and sending sparks dancing over her skin.

"If you're trying to distract me from-", Emma starts to say but then trails off because he pulls off her shirt and presses his lips against her breast, her fingers gripping his shoulders as she closes her eyes and arches her back to allow him better access.

She honestly doesn't know how he can make her so hot so fast, how his every touch, every caress and kiss makes her long for more when they've already done this countless times before.

"You were saying?" He murmurs, his lips against her stomach and moving down, and soon she's gasping for breath and she doesn't even remember his question.

When she's about ready to explode he picks her up again and she wraps her legs around him, biting her lip as he enters her slowly, tangling his fingers in her hair and gently tugging until she looks at him.

She can see every emotion in his eyes even in the pale light of the range hood lamp and it's killing her because she had never loved him more, and she never wanted him to stay as much as she does now.

Killian moves inside her and soon she's flying, but she's still holding onto him, still holding onto the love of her life because she doesn't want the sky; she just wants him.

* * *

Six months before Killian's birthday Emma takes another pregnancy test and this time it's positive. She manages to keep it together until she tells him, but tears springing to his eyes are too much and soon they find themselves sobbing on the couch, clinging to each other because their miracle is just a little too late and they are never going to hold the baby growing inside her in their arms.

They say they won't go to her gynecologist to find out if it's a boy or a girl, they say they won't look at it on the screen, they say they won't pick out the name, but they do all those things and more because they already love their child so much and they can't just pretend it doesn't exist.

Killian wakes Emma up early every morning because he's talking to her stomach, talking to their precious baby girl that kicks her mother every time Emma feels overwhelmed with sadness as if she's trying to tell her to stay strong.

Emma had always known that Killian would be a great father to their children because he was already a great father to Henry, but seeing how smitten he is with their unborn daughter is painful because it's a horrible injustice that so much potential would go to waste.

Killian finishes the fairytale he'd been whispering and Emma takes his hand and presses it against her stomach; what he says next breaks her heart: "Shhh, Lottie. Don't kick mommy so hard."

Charlotte kicks her again and they both smile because their daughter is already as stubborn as her parents are.

* * *

"I was pregnant once before Charlotte", Emma tells him a couple of days before his birthday, caressing her stomach with one hand and combing her fingers through his hair with the other.

Killian looks up at her and frowns, probably thinking that she means Henry.

"You were a mechanic in Iowa and we learned about the baby a day before your birthday. She doesn't have to say which birthday, she doesn't have to say anything else because he understands what she's trying to tell him.

When this life ends, she's the only one who's going to remember Charlotte and how much it hurt losing her, how much joy it brought them loving her.

Killian gets up from the bed and opens the closet, rummaging in the back of it until he finds a leather-bound notebook and gives it to her.

"What's this?"

"Open it", he says and Emma thumbs through the empty pages until she reaches the end of it; it's titled "The Last Chapter", and as she starts reading she realizes that he'd written her the ending of their story; they find each other, they make love and she gives birth with time enough to spare until his birthday, the two of them returning to Storybrooke with their daughter where they are reunited with Emma's parents and Henry again.

This Killian isn't the one who's going to be with her when she gets her happy ending, but he's the one who made her believe in it the most.

"You can write about my other lives in the rest of the pages, and give me the journal when you find me next time so I don't miss anything", he suggests cautiously, as if he's afraid that she's not going to like his idea.

"Are you sure you want to know everything?" Emma asks him softly and he kisses her before answering.

"I don't want to miss a thing, good or bad", he says and she doesn't think she'd ever loved him more than right now.

"Then that's what I'm going to do", Emma says and hopes that Killian's next incarnation is going to appreciate it.

* * *

On Killian's 32nd birthday Emma keeps one hand in his and holds the journal in the other because if she lets it go it's going to stay behind, and she needs it to help her believe, to remind her that Killian believes in her and in them and that somehow, someday, they are going to reach their happy ending.

"What am I gonna do without you?" Emma asks him, desperately trying to be as brave as him and failing because this time she's not only losing Killian, she's losing her baby girl too.

"You're a tough lass", Killian tells her and wipes her tears away, and for a moment Emma is unafraid, for a moment she's got enough strength to keep it together so she can kiss him one last time and tell him how much she loves him.

"And I love you. More than words can say."

Charlotte is probably still asleep but Killian keeps his free hand on Emma's stomach nonetheless, and they hold each other until the curse takes him away. Emma closes her eyes and holds onto love as time pulls her back again, undoing Charlotte and leaving her all alone in the dark.

* * *

**Review?**


	11. Chicago, Illinois

**You have no idea how much I squee over every single e-mail notification I get for this story; you guys are seriously the best! Thank you so much! This chapter isn't as sad as the previous ones... well. You tell me. **

* * *

The first time Emma hears Killian's name she's sitting on a bed in her motel room, flipping through the channels and barely registering anything; it's been seven years and she can still hear Killian's voice in her head saying their daughter's name, and her stomach feels unbearably empty.

She pauses a moment on ESPN and there he is, wearing the Cubs white-blue uniform and scoring a home run, the crowd going wild.

A week later Emma is at the stadium, all her attention focused on the game, her eyes following every move Killian makes. She's high in the stands, and she can't make out his face, but she doesn't need to know his position to recognize him among the other players; she knows the way he moves, the way he walks and how he ducks his head when he's in a bad mood.

This game, he's in a bad mood.

When it's his turn to bat he misses every time and Emma wonders briefly if maybe she's jinxing him, then shakes her head and tells herself that he doesn't even know she's here, and even if he did notice her, it wouldn't matter because he doesn't know who she is.

* * *

It's surprisingly easy to find out where Killian lives and even easier to climb over the wall separating the garden around his house from the road.

When Emma drops down on the other side, she's still for a while, bracing herself for an alarm or the sound of dogs barking, but nothing happens so she runs to the front door and knocks, shifting from one foot to the other until the door opens and there's Killian, holding a drink in his hand and giving her a once over.

"And who might you be?" He asks, slurring his words a bit and not even trying to stop her when she comes in and crushes her lips against his. The glass falls out of his hand and he slams the front door shut, wrapping his arms around Emma as she tastes whiskey on his tongue.

"Why are you drunk? You won the game" Emma says when they finally separate, the sadness in his eyes taking her breath away.

"Because I'm lonely and I can't sleep", he tells her, leading her toward his bedroom. "Because I had always missed something, and it's only now that you're here that I realize it's you. It's always been you."

Emma stops walking until he turns toward her, waiting for her to tell him that everything's going to be okay now that she's here.

So she does.

* * *

Emma lies awake next to Killian for a long time, watching him sleep, his breathing even, his features relaxed, and she smiles because she knows it's because of her, because she's his missing puzzle piece and now that she's here he can finally rest. Some would say that it's a hard burden to bear, being responsible for somebody else's happiness, but Emma doesn't think so; having the kind of love they have means that they can't be without each other because nobody else would do.

Nobody else could ever love her the way Killian does.

"Lass?" He mumbles, opening one eye and reaching for her until she settles with her head against his shoulder.

"Go back to sleep", she tells him, kissing his neck and wrapping her arm around his waist.

She still hasn't told him about the curse and she closes her eyes, wishing she could just stay like this, frozen in time with his arms around her where it's safe and warm, where nothing can hurt her.

* * *

Emma sits on the couch in the living room and Killian's pacing in front of her, listening to her as she explains how the curse works; when she gets to the part where they have to have a child for it to be broken, his entire being goes perfectly still, his hands balling into fists at his sides.

"Killian? What's wrong?" She asks, getting to her feet and reaching for his hand, tilting her head and trying to meet his downcast eyes.

"This is not the life in which we break the curse", he says so softly she can barely hear him, his lips pressed into a thin line, the muscle jumping in his jaw when he grits his teeth.

"We have five years. It's more time than we usually get", Emma tells him gently, wondering what's with the sudden pessimism since usually he's the one always believing everything's going to work out.

Killian finally looks at her and her breath hitches in her throat because she can't remember ever seeing him this defeated, so completely hopeless and broken.

"I can't have kids", he says, the words coming out slowly, as if he has to force himself to say them because they hurt him too much and he knows they are going to hurt her too.

Emma doesn't know what to say. She's standing there, holding his hand and desperately trying to think of something but she can't because all the hope is gone, shattered before they could even try.

"I'm so sorry", he whispers and Emma shakes her head in time with his words, pulling him in for a hug and rubbing his back slowly.

"It's not your fault", she says and he chuckles darkly, pulling away from her and going to the batting cage in the garden.

Emma stands next to the window, watching him swing his bat again and again and again, and it connects with the ball every time with a loud crack that makes her jump and wonder if it's Gold he's imagining he's hitting, or himself.

* * *

Killian is drinking way too much and Emma doesn't know what to do. His career is ruined in less than a year and he takes endless bike rides alone, and every time he returns she doesn't know whether to slap him or kiss him; she always settles for a kiss because she's glad he's alive, glad that he didn't end up in pieces in some ditch.

Emma never shows him the journal she had filled with the chapters of his previous lives because she fears it would send him spiraling out of her reach even faster.

It's only at night that she gets her captain back, his arms closing around her as he makes love to her and murmurs how much he loves her against her ear, making her fly and forget her pain, at least until the morning light when she finds their bed empty and lies there staring at the ceiling, praying that Killian returns to her safely.

They have all this time to be together, to just live, and Killian doesn't know what to do with it.

* * *

He comes home one afternoon with a gash on his forearm, dragging his leg and gritting his teeth when Emma asks him what happened.

"Nothing happened. I'm fine", he says, and all the months of her biting her tongue and trying to give him space explode out of her in one loud, harsh outburst.

"You are not fine! You go out each day and it's just a matter of time before you splatter over some highway and police comes to my door to tell me that you're gone. Is that what you want, Killian? After everything I've been doing to get you back, to cheat death for you so that we can be together, is this how you repay me? By being a selfish bastard?"

"I'm selfish?" He yells back at her, his eyebrows coming together in a heavy scowl as he limps to where she's standing. "If you had just let me stay dead you could've found somebody else a hundred times by now, you could've had your family and let me rest in peace instead of watching me die so many times."

Emma's chin trembles, and she looks up and bites her lip because she doesn't want to cry, doesn't want to break when he's already broken, but she can't stop the tears from spilling down her cheeks because he's right, this is all her fault and even if she did it all for love, it doesn't change the fact that she had really messed them up.

"Emma, I'm sorry… I didn't mean it like that", he says and she turns her back on him.

"Yes, you did. I ruined everything", she chokes out, wrapping her arms around herself and shaking with silent sobs.

"You didn't, Emma, please forgive me", he says, stepping around her and laying his hands on her shoulders gently.

She refuses to look at him because he's breaking her heart and she doesn't want him comforting her right now, she wants to feel every ounce of this pain because she's the one who caused it.

"I'm so afraid that you're going to give up", he whispers and Emma leans forward, resting her forehead against his chest, her hands gripping his sides.

"I'm never going to give up", she says, and it's a sad, sad truth that no matter what happens, no matter how it hurts, she doesn't know how to walk away and stop doing what she's doing.

"If I was a better man I would tell you to forget about me and make a life of your own", he says, resting his chin on top of her head.

"There is no life without you, and there is certainly no forgetting you", she says, and they stand like that for a long time before she finally pulls away and goes to get the first aid kit so she can take care of his arm and leg.

* * *

Killian makes a sensational comeback and Emma sits in the stands during every game, feeling immensely proud that he had found a way to turn it all around, to find the strength to let his misery go.

They are not going to break the curse this time, but there's going to be another time, another place, another life in which everything will fall into place; the stars will align and the future is going to stop slipping though their fingers.

On his 31st birthday Killian takes her to Paris and gives her a ring on top of the Eiffel Tower; he says that she should consider herself an engaged woman even though the wedding is going to have to wait until they go back to Storybrooke.

Emma looks at her right hand and smiles, knowing that she's never going to take this ring off, just like she's never going to stop reaching for their happy ending.

* * *

On June 27th Cubs are playing the Brewers and Emma sits on the couch next to Killian, watching him watch the game he can't play because today is the day he dies and he doesn't want to do it on the field.

The game ends and he's still here, his hand holding hers as she rests her head on his shoulder and asks him if it would've been better if she had never kissed him. It's been bugging her for years but she didn't want to say it out loud because she was afraid of his answer.

"Of course it wouldn't", he says, tilting her head back with a finger under her chin so he can look at her. "I know you think you made me miserable, but I was much worse before you showed up, and I would never trade these years with you, not a single minute of our time together."

He smiles at her, that bright, beautiful smile he had first given her when they climbed the beanstalk so many lifetimes ago, and Emma smiles back even though her entire body is braced for the moment his heart starts giving out on him.

When that moments comes, it's too soon, always too soon, always unexpected, and when she kisses him and feels his grip on her hand loosening she just wants a little more time.

"Don't give up, love", he says and then he's gone, and she can't believe it because he was just here, he was just holding her, smiling at her like they are still at the beginning.

Emma takes the journal from under the coffee table, wraps her arms around Killian and closes her eyes, trying to resist the pull and the darkness for as long as she can, but like they always do they win and take her back through time, away from this Killian and closer to the one that's already waiting for her without even realizing it.

* * *

**Review?**


	12. Wichita, Kansas

**I honestly can't thank you enough for all your support for this story, despite it being so sad... This chapter isn't as bad as the rest, but I predict misty eyes nonetheless. **

* * *

The day Emma finds Killian again is cold and rainy, and she had forgotten her umbrella at the motel, so she practically falls into his store in an attempt to get away from the rain. She's completely soaked and she probably looks like a drowned mouse, and she tries her best to wring out her wet hair into an umbrella stand before she looks around for Killian.

There are beautiful wooden knick-knacks on the shelves along the wall, rocking chairs and other furniture displayed in the middle of the store, and Emma walks forward, admiring the craftsmanship, stopping dead in her tracks when she sees a cradle, all the pain she'd been suppressing for the past ten years as she searched for Killian coming back in a breathtaking rush.

"How may I help you?" An old lady asks her pleasantly, then frowns with concern when she sees Emma's face. "Are you okay, my dear? And look at you, soaking wet."

Before Emma can explain why she's there and who's she looking for the woman ushers her toward the back and then there's Killian, leaning over a chest of drawers, hair falling into his eyes, Emma's wet clothes and all the heartbreak that came before instantly forgotten.

"Don't let us distract you, Killian. I'm just gonna go find ths silly girl some dry clothes before she catches her death", the old lady says and leaves Emma standing in the doorway, smiling at Killian and waiting for him to look up so the sparks can fly and she can come closer and kiss him.

"What possessed you to come out on a day like today?" Killian asks, his attention still focused on his work, and Emma shifts her weight and flips her wet hair over her shoulder before responding.

"I came looking for you", she says and his hands still, a slow smile pulling at the corner of his lips, drawing her closer like a magnet.

"Have we met before? It's almost like… Your voice sounds familiar", he says, and Emma's steps falter, her stomach dropping as the realization hits her that Killian isn't too busy with what's he doing to look up at her; he's not looking at anything because he can't see anything.

This time, her one true love is blind.

This time, there can be no sparks flying when their eyes meet.

"What happened?" Emma asks on an expelled breath, coming closer until the only thing between her and Killian is that chest of drawers he's working on.

"Excuse me?" He asks, and she realizes that she probably sounds incredibly rude.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were blind", she says softly, looking up at the eyes she loves most in this world, eyes that usually read her so easily and that are right now looking right through her, and suddenly she feels so defeated, so overwhelmed that she can just stand there and bite her lip in an effort to keep it together.

"People rarely do… I should probably take it as a compliment", he says and smiles in her general direction, and on any other occasion this would be the moment Emma reached for him and kissed him, but now it feels wrong because he can't see it coming.

Instead of standing on tiptoes and pressing her lips against his, Emma slips her hands in his, praying that the old woman doesn't come back anytime soon. Her sudden move startles him, but he doesn't pull away or tell her to go, his fingers enveloping hers, his rough thumbs drawing circles on the backs of her hands.

"Who are you?" He asks her softly and tugs her to the side until there's nothing between them, and Emma's heart is hammering in her chest almost painfully.

"My name is Emma Swan", she says and then she kisses him, sighing against his lips when he releases her hands and wraps his arms around her waist so tightly she has to arch her back to keep kissing him.

"My beautiful golden girl", he says softly, resting his forehead against hers, his hand coming up to cup her cheek. His eyes are still closed and a single tear escapes from under his long eyelashes, Emma's heart breaking because she doesn't know what to say, what to do, how to help him.

The only man who'd ever seen her can't see her at all and it's killing them both.

* * *

Killian's apartment is two doors down from his workshop and soon they are sitting on his couch, Emma wearing his shirt and pajama bottoms, telling him about the curse and his past lives because she knows the journal by heart and he can't read it anyway.

"And now that I've found you, we have about two years to get pregnant", she finishes, looking at his profile and hating herself for feeling so awkward around him, because no matter how many times she tells herself he's still her pirate, his sightless eyes unnerve her more than she'd ever admit.

"Do I get my sight back if we succeed and return to Storybrooke?" He asks her, leaning against the back of the couch and pressing the heel of his hand against his temple, where there's a faint scar much like the one he used to have on his cheek.

"No", Emma says softly, suddenly realizing that it doesn't matter; she loves him, and she's going to get used to his blindness just like he had to get used to it.

If this is the life in which they break the curse, so be it.

"Thought so", Killian says softly and reaches for her, settling her so she's straddling his lap before his hand slides up her arm and he cups her cheek. "What do you want to do, lass?"

Emma presses her cheek in his hand and smiles, leaning forward to kiss his forehead before speaking. "I want you to make love to me."

And he does.

* * *

"Did you lose your sight when you fell off your Ninja?" Emma asks him a couple of weeks later, sitting in the kitchen and watching him cook dinner. He's much better at it than she is and since he can't do it if she's under his feet and unintentionally placing things where he can't find them she has to let him do all the work.

"Who told you?" He asks her, stirring the pasta a few times before setting the timer and leaning against the counter with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Nobody told me. I saw it in the garage and it's a bit banged up, so I drew my own conclusions", Emma says defensively and he gives her a half smile to reassure her that he's not mad or upset.

"Clever girl. But yeah, that was my undoing. Forgot my helmet, some idiot clipped me from behind, and goodnight", he says and Emma comes to stand next to him.

"Why did you keep the bike?"

"Because I still love it, and it wasn't the Ninja's fault", he answers her and wraps his arms around her waist, his lips finding hers as easily as they always did.

"Would you like me to take you on a ride later?" Emma asks him and his entire face lights up, his eyes crinkling at the corners when he smiles.

"I thought you'd never ask."

* * *

It's been a year and a half and Emma is late, so she does a pregnancy test and stares at it, willing it to turn blue.

When it doesn't, she feels like the walls are closing in around her so she runs out of the bathroom and collides with Killian just outside the door. His hands land on her shoulders and he steadies her, and Emma bites the inside of her mouth because she doesn't want him to know that they had failed again.

"What's wrong?" He asks her and her chin trembles because he can still read her; he used to see everything in her eyes, and now he hears everything in her sighs and held breaths.

"I'm not pregnant", she says, her sinuses burning with unshed tears even though this is not the end; they still have time.

She looks up at him and there's the briefest flicker of relief in his eyes that he can't hide, and her sorrow is quickly replaced with red hot anger. Killian tries to pull her in for a hug but Emma steps away from him, ducking his outstretched arm and glaring daggers at him even though he can't see her doing it.

"I never thought you could be this selfish", she spits out, regretting her words the second they are out because the last time she called him selfish he told her she was worse, and he was right.

"Selfish?" He repeats, and the fact that he doesn't even raise his voice makes her see red.

"You don't want us to succeed because you don't want to be blind for the rest of your life, so yeah, selfish", she yells at him and he just stands there speechless for a moment, then walks away, but she had already seen such hurt in his eyes that it makes her anger disappear.

The front door slams shut after him and Emma busies herself with trying to write this chapter of their story; she spends about an hour staring at the page but the words aren't coming because she's too upset, feeling too guilty for saying that to him and wondering if there's another reason why he was relieved that she's not pregnant.

She finally gives up and comes after him, knowing she's going to find him in his workshop, slipping in silently and holding her breath so as not to break his concentration.

"I know you're there", he says and she smiles faintly, coming closer to see what he's working on, her eyes widening when she sees that it's a cradle, more intricate and beautiful than anything she had seen him make before.

"How do you do it?" She asks him, tracing her finger over the gentle spirals adorning the side; they are so perfect that she doubts she'd be able to do them even with two good eyes, much less in complete darkness.

"I've been doing it for a decade", he says and Emma nods to herself, then puts her hand on his shoulder and his hands still as he focuses his full attention on her.

"I'm sorry", Emma says, wishing she knew what to say, wishing she could read him as good as he always reads her.

"I'm sorry too", he says, and it would be the end of the discussion if it weren't for Emma's need to figure out what's bugging him.

"Tell me why you were relieved", she demands gently, cupping his face in her hands and making him lift his head so she can see his eyes; he can always school his expression, but he can't help his eyes betraying him.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Do you want us to stop trying?" Emma asks, holding her breath for his answer because even though it's the last thing she wants to do, she's going to respect his wishes because there's always going to be another life for her and some other Killian, and this is his only one.

"No", Killian says softly, and Emma waits for him to continue because it's obvious he's not done talking. "I've been completely on board with the idea of being a father up until the moment it looked like I might actually be one."

"You've been a father already, to Henry", Emma says softly, their son's name the only thing she's got left because she hadn't seen him in almost a hundred and fifty years and she can't remember his face anymore, she can't even hear his laughter in her head the way she used to.

"Not like this", he says and closes his eyes, and Emma feels like somebody punched her in the stomach, and hard. "Not when I can't see you, can't protect you or our baby… You both deserve better."

Killian thinks he can't be a good father because he's blind.

"Remember when you told me that you could almost see me on that first day I came looking for you?" Emma asks him, sitting down on the work bench next to him and wrapping her arms around his neck. Killian nods slowly, and their faces are so close that it's almost like he's looking at her.

"It was like the Sun had risen when you walked in", he says and trails his hand up her arm, cupping her face and caressing her cheek with his thumb.

"You could see me, Killian. You always see me, and if this is the life in which we get our baby, you're going to see him or her too, and you're going to be the best father there is", Emma tells him, and when he opens his mouth to object she just keeps talking. "I only need to look at this cradle to know that no father has ever loved a child as you would love ours, and that's all you need to do. Your love is going to be enough. You are enough."

She can see in his eyes that he desperately wants to believe her, wants to be what she thinks he already is, and when she kisses him, she prays harder than she ever did before that this time they get their happy ending because Killian needs it to happen more than all the ones that came before him did.

Three months later, it's just another dream of hers that goes up in smoke.

* * *

Emma sits straddling Killian's lap, trying not to think about what's coming as he keeps running his calloused fingers over her face as if he's trying to see her one last time.

"I don't want to go", he says, and it's the first time he'd ever showed fear in the face of death, which makes everything harder for Emma, because no matter how tight she wraps her arms around him, his heart is still going to stop soon and she's still going to go back again; she's still going to lose him for the twelfth time, and it's getting harder, not easier.

"Then stay", Emma tells him and kisses him, trying to memorize how this feels, how strong his arms are around her and how good he smells, because there are years ahead of her in which she's going to be all alone with only his ghost to keep her company.

When it's over she closes his eyes gently, biting the inside of her mouth to keep from crying because she knows it's pointless, because her tears won't help her now.

He's gone and the past is already rising to reclaim her.

* * *

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	13. Nashville, Tennessee

**This chapter is probably going to make you want to throw things, but just keep in mind that this story has a **happy ending** and that this is **not the last chapter**. New update tomorrow, thanks for reading and not giving up on me and this fic!**

* * *

Emma is tired. She's tired of false hope and watching Killian die, tired of heartbreak and tired of looking for Killian; she loves him so much, and she hates herself for choosing this path, but she misses him most.

She knows that had she known it would be like this, she'd have chosen the same.

In this life Killian sings in country bars, just him and a guitar on stage, and Emma can't wait to see him, can't wait to hear his songs, can't help wondering if any of them are about her.

Tonight he's singing in the Bluebird café and Emma spends most of the afternoon getting ready, showing up at 8 p.m. sharp wearing jeans, a sparkly top and heels, her hair falling in gentle curls around her face.

The audience is mostly female and after seeing some of their fashion choices Emma finds it hard not to laugh because her Killian had always been so old-fashioned and most of the clothes these women are wearing would horrify him.

She likes to think that this Killian is the same, but nobody knows that about him except Emma.

When Killian comes out on stage and the lights dim as he starts to sing, Emma rests her cheek on her hand and just listens, and it's not too long until she realizes that all his songs are about her, about lost love and searching for somebody just beyond your reach, about hope that someday soon she's going to come and the world will be new again.

Killian's voice is like warm chocolate, his southern twang somehow reminding her of the accent he had when she had first seen him, memories of the two of them in the Enchanted Forest still so fresh in her mind even after all this time.

The set ends and Emma watches in surprise when Killian just goes to the bar, sits on a stool and orders a drink. A few of the braver women approach him but it's clear from a mile away that he's not interested and they respectfully leave him alone.

Emma leans against the bar next to him but ignores him completely as she orders another drink, trying really hard not to laugh when his attention shifts from his glass of whiskey to her.

"Love your approach, darling", he says and Emma lifts her eyebrow, taking a sip of her drink. "The whole pretending I'm not here thing."

"Maybe I'm just not interested", she tells him, giving him her best flirty smile when he turns toward her. She's so close to him that her thigh is pressed against his knee but judging by the way he's looking at her it's not nearly close enough.

"I think you are", he says with a devastating smile and Emma puts down her drink, wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him, his arms closing around her even before the kiss works, even before her pirate comes back.

* * *

Later that evening, after he finishes another set and dedicates every song to her, she sits behind him on his bike and he drives them home; they start taking off their clothes as soon as he locks the door behind them and sets his guitar case down, leaving a trail on the floor on their way to the bedroom.

The fire between them is burning hotter than ever and she feels her head spin when he presses her against the wall and kisses her, his fingers digging in her waist when his lips trace down her neck, the power of her emotions almost scaring her.

She doesn't know how, but their first time in each new life feels brand new, and yet it makes her remember how she felt when he took her to his cabin back in Storybrooke and made love to her from the moment the sun went down until it went up again.

"I've been lost without you, lass", he murmurs and cups her breast in his hand, his eyes locked on hers.

"I've been lost without you too", she whispers, her hand wrapping around him, loving the little gasp that escapes him at the contact.

Emma puts her free hand on his chest and he walks backwards until they reach his bed and Emma lies on top of him, the pressure building inside her just from the feel of him between her legs.

Killian's arms wrap around her and he flips them over, entering her slowly at first, then filling her completely in one firm thrust, Emma's hands gripping his shoulders as they start unraveling together, their hips finding a perfect rhythm, his lips covering hers, her every gasp caught on his tongue and given back to her.

Emma falls first and Killian follows close behind, and somehow, Emma knows that somewhere inside her, their future is coming into being.

Instead of happiness, she feels a sudden chill of foreboding and she holds onto Killian, telling herself that there's no such thing as seeing the future, that this time everything is going to be okay.

* * *

A month later Emma sits in a gynecologist's office, Killian's hand gripping hers as they listen to the most important words they are ever going to hear come out of her doctor's mouth: "you're pregnant".

Killian kisses her temple and she closes her eyes, tears of joy rolling down her cheeks because this is it, this is the end of torment, this is the last step on their long way home.

Still, she'd been disappointed too many times before to not be afraid now, so she refuses to make any kind of decisions. Killian tries to be understanding but his excitement about the baby is too great to contain; he keeps trying to lure her into conversations about baby names and she finds it harder and harder to resist him.

When she catches him reading books about parenting he always puts them away because he knows she feels like he's tempting fate being so happy, and she can't even be mad at him for not listening to her; he'd always been much more optimistic than she was, and she tells herself that he's not jinxing them, that it's probably just her paranoia that makes her think something bad is about to happen.

* * *

Months pass quickly, her cravings get weirder, they watch their baby float around in her stomach and she still doesn't want to know if it's a boy or a girl. Killian knows, but he never slips when he sings lullabies to her stomach, using gender neutral pronouns and cute endearments that make her feel awful for being so detached from everything.

And yet, no matter how hard she tries, she can't shake the cold, can't make herself believe that in two months she's going to give birth to Killian's daughter or son and that they are finally going to be free.

"Do you want to come hear me play tomorrow night?" Killian asks her, massaging her feet as she thumbs through some gossip magazine, reading about celebrities she cares nothing about just to distract herself from her dark thoughts.

"Sure", she says because she hadn't gone for months; he'd been so patient with her, so she can at least support him when he's about to have his song cut by a mayor artist.

Just the smile he's giving her would be worth it, and Emma drops the magazine on the coffee table and outstretches her hand so he can help her sit up, her stomach preventing her to do it on her own.

"Sing me a song", she tells him and he's already reaching for his guitar because her wish is her pirate's command, always has been, always will be; it's comforting, it's something that's never going to fail to amaze her, something that's always going to give her comfort.

He loves her more than anything else, and he's never going to put anybody ahead of her, not even himself.

Emma sits leaning against his side, her head on his shoulder and her hand wrapped around his arm, his bicep shifting under her fingers as he plays, singing her a song she'd never heard before that touches her deeply; she blinks and tears separate themselves from her lashes, rolling silently down her cheeks.

_If I had the time, I'd spend my whole life dreaming, and I'd wake up still in love with you._

"I'm sorry for being so pessimistic", Emma tells him when the last note of the song stops echoing in the air around them and Killian shakes his head, setting the guitar next to him so he can cradle her in his arms.

"You're just cautious; you went through so much already and you don't have to apologize for feeling the way you feel. I can believe for the both of us", he says and Emma smiles faintly, for the first time not feeling cursed at all; Killian loves her, and he's going to love her no matter what happens in this life, or the next.

"What kind of names do you like?" She asks him and he brushes a lock of her hair behind her ear and shakes his head.

"You don't have to do that", he says, but she can see in his eyes that he's dying to tell her.

"We don't have to decide anything until the baby's born", she says, and it's the first time she hadn't said _if_ about her eventual childbirth.

Killian notices and kisses her nose before he gets up and pulls a book of baby names from the back of the bookshelf, sitting down next to her and watching her look through all the names he marked.

Maybe she's tempting fate, but then again what could possibly go wrong in the next eight weeks that would prevent their happy ending?

* * *

Emma is sitting at a table in the first row listening to Killian sing when she catches sight of a woman getting up from a table on the opposite end of the stage, the look on her face deeply disturbing even before Emma notices a gun in her hand.

Even being so pregnant, Emma moves faster than she had ever moved before, jumping from her stool and flying up the two steps to the stage, tackling Killian to the ground just as a gunshot rings out.

Her back seems to erupt in flames, and she tastes blood in her mouth, but it's okay because Killian is okay, he's holding her close and the blood on his shirt is hers, not his.

"What did you do?" He says brokenly as she coughs, clutching his hand and trying to breathe around the wetness in her chest. She closes her eyes for a moment and he shakes her roughly, his tears landing on her cheeks. "Emma, no, please. Look at me, Emma, just look at me and stay."

"Killian", his name is the only word she can find the strength to say even though she wants to tell him so many things, comfort him before she goes because to her, this doesn't feel like losing; for the first time she had saved him, she had kept him from dying and she doesn't have to be without him ever again.

If she has to die, dying in his arms is the way she wants to go; she knows there's no Heaven waiting to receive them, but she'd rather take oblivion than being without him.

"We won", she chokes out, her vision so blurry she can barely see him, her world narrowing to his blue eyes and the touch of his lips on hers when he kisses her.

"I love you", he says, and Emma closes her eyes, trying to tell him she loves him too but her mouth doesn't obey her anymore, the words echoing uselessly around her head.

But then again, he already knows.

Emma's grip on his hand loosens but he's still holding on like he means to just hold on forever, keep her there with him even after she's long gone.

She understands because it's the same thing she had done, and when she draws her last breath she feels blessed, thankful for every minute she got to spend with him in the past century and a half.

Darkness overtakes her and then there's nothing except empty silence.

* * *

**Review?**


	14. Santa Fe, New Mexico

**Sorry for the last chapter, and I hope this one answers all your burning questions and that you enjoy it; it's my favorite so far. Thanks for reading and reviewing/following/favoriting, it means a lot!**

* * *

Emma opens her eyes and shoots to her feet, turning in a circle with a protective hand over her stomach until she realizes that her baby is gone, Killian is gone, and she's in that same alley she always goes back to.

For the first time her tears are not of sorrow, but of relief.

For the first time she had died for Killian and gave them another chance for their happy ending instead of watching light go out in Killian's blue eyes and having his baby alone, going back to Storybrooke and never seeing his face again.

Somewhere out there Killian is waiting for her, and she smiles, choosing to focus on the future instead of the past, on his kiss that's still on her lips instead of his tear-streaked face as he begged her not to go.

Her only regret is that she had lost their journal and now she has to write everything again including their happy ending that Killian wrote for her, but it won't be hard because she knows every word of it by heart.

* * *

The first time Emma lays eyes on father Killian Jones he's holding a sermon in a small Catholic church on the wrong side of tracks in New Mexico. She stands as still as the saints looking down from their niches in the walls, spellbound not only by his voice but also by the words he's saying; Emma had never really believed in God, but right then, she thinks that he must exist because otherwise Killian wouldn't believe in Him so much, he wouldn't be so inspired to talk about His love the way he does.

Emma looks around at the people around her and realizes that they feel exactly the same as she does, their lined faces lighted from the inside, hope in a better tomorrow shining in their eyes.

It's well before the mass ends that Emma realizes that she can't take Killian away from these people, can't make him have to choose between her and God because she's fairly certain that the choice would tear him apart. Her stomach drops painfully at the thought of waiting for who knows how many years before she kisses him again but she knows she can do it because she'd done it before.

The entire congregation seems to linger for hours after the mass ends but if there's one thing Emma had learned in all these years, it's patience, and so she sits in the last pew and watches Killian say goodbye to people, smile and shake hands and get down on one knee to talk to children.

He's so beautiful she could weep, and she desperately tries to stop herself from wanting him the way she does; it's wrong on so many levels but she can see herself ambushing him in his office and ripping that white collar off with her teeth.

Emma shakes herself and shoots up, deciding to leave and come back when she feels less tempted, but Killian's voice stops her and she slowly turns back to the front of the church.

"Sorry it took me so long to get to you", he says and Emma finds it really hard to focus on his words because his mouth and eyes are distracting her too much.

"Yeah…" She says noncommittally, putting her hair behind her ear and pinching her thigh with her free hand because she really needs to get a grip.

"Did you need to talk to me about something?" He prompts her gently, and the smile he's giving her isn't helping her in gathering her thoughts and coming up with something smart.

"I haven't been christened", she blurts out, and his grin grows wider.

"I can still talk to you and try to help", he leans closer and whispers, and Emma can't believe that he's teasing her like this.

"You're not what I expected", she tells him, her tongue quicker than her mind again.

"I'll take that as a compliment", Killian says, lifting his eyebrow at her and leaning his hip against the pew next to him.

"I'm doing everything wrong", Emma says under her breath and looks down at her shoes.

"Relax. I don't bite, honestly", he says, and she smiles, looking up at him and getting lost in the oceans in his eyes, her resolve slowly cracking because she doesn't know how to not kiss him, she wouldn't know it even if he wasn't Killian and she weren't Emma, the attraction she feels for him jumbling her thoughts and making it hard to think.

"You promise?" She asks him softly, and he turns serious before he speaks.

"I promise", he says solemnly, waiting for her to finally tell him what she wants with him.

"I'm new in town and I don't know anybody, so I was wondering if you need any help with… well anything", she says, hoping he doesn't see right through her and figures out that the only reason she's offering is because she wants to be close to him; she can find the strength to be this close to him and not kiss him, but she doesn't know how to walk away and never see him again.

"I'm sure we can figure something out", he tells her and looks at her like she's an enigma worth solving, and she makes herself believe that maybe he feels this thing between them as much as she does, but he's just better at hiding it.

* * *

Emma had never been much about charity work, but once she gets into it, she finds that she likes it. For the first time she understands what people mean when they say that helping others can make you happy, and the fact that she sees Killian almost every day doesn't hurt either.

Sometimes she thinks she can feel his eyes on her back but every time she turns around he's busy with something and she convinces herself it's all in her head, that he's too dedicated to God to think about her the way she always thinks about him, but she can't help wondering why he never asks her exactly what she's doing here.

* * *

A day after Epiphany Emma comes to help Killian dismantle the manger next to the altar, and since he's not already at work she goes to look for him, finding him in his office holding a baby wrapped in a pink blanket, so focused on her that he doesn't even notice Emma until she sits down next to him.

"Something you want to tell me?" Emma asks him, and even though it was supposed to come out funny it doesn't sound funny at all; her voice breaks and she covers his hand on the baby's chest, tears springing to her eyes because this is how he looks in all her dreams when he holds their future, their miracle, their salvation.

"Somebody knocked on the back door and by the time I came to open them she was already alone. I called social services and they should be here any minute now", Killian says, and Emma can't meet his eyes, can't look away from the baby sleeping in his arms.

"Can I… Can I hold her?" She asks and wipes away her tears, smiling when he hands the baby to her, his hand rubbing up and down her back as she holds the infant to her chest and wishes it could be hers, his, theirs.

* * *

It's been two years since Emma had met Killian Jones, and they have settled into a strange little routine that she hopes none of his parishioners find gossip-worthy.

The strangest thing is, just being with him is enough for her because he's so different than her Killian, and yet the same; he's kind and noble and always willing to help, and she loves his dry wit as much as she did before, maybe even more.

When they are alone, he doesn't try to hide anymore and looks at her the way a priest shouldn't; it makes her smile because now she's certain that he still wants her even if he doesn't know who she is, even if it's a sin.

Their love is stronger than anything, and she finds some comfort in that.

* * *

The first time he tries to kiss her, she barely manages to avoid his lips so his kiss lands on her cheek, but it's enough to send a rush of warmth through her. He apologizes for weeks afterwards and no matter how many times she tells him that it's fine, he doesn't seem to believe her.

She wishes she could tell him everything, wishes she could erase his guilt, but she can't because she doesn't want him to give up this life; what he's doing is too important.

The second time he tries to kiss her, she's ready for it and she presses her palm against his lips, wrapping her fingers around his arm, feeling his muscles jumping underneath his sleeve as they stare at each other. His eyes are so blue and she finds it hard to resist him, but she does, because she loves him and because she can't watch this life crumble around them.

After that, it's almost like a game. He tries kissing her and she puts her hand up and he ends up kissing her palm, and she closes her eyes and just feels his kiss because she knows she can trust him not to cheat just like he trusts her not to let him do something he thinks he might regret.

* * *

The summer arrives and when he invites her on a bike ride Emma accepts without hesitation. He leaves his priest's collar at home and she finds herself having trouble breathing because he looks too good in jeans and a gray t-shirt that makes his eyes seem even bluer than usual.

He gives her both his jacket and helmet and Emma puts them on, covertly inhaling his scent and sitting behind him on the bike, placing her hands on his shoulders, painfully aware of every muscle beneath her fingers and what it does to her.

Killian turns around and reaches for her hands, guiding them around his waist and giving her one of those cute half-smiles that make it so hard for her to not tell him she loves him every times she sees it.

Emma entwines her fingers together on his stomach and rests her chin on his shoulder, and then they are off, flying down the road like they have done so many times before in other lives he doesn't remember and she can't forget.

* * *

"Have you ever been in love?" He asks her a couple of weeks before his 32nd birthday; they are clearing out the attic of the priest's dorm and she almost drops the antique-looking lamp she's holding because even though he sounds so damn American, the inflection is his words is the same as it was when they had climbed that beanstalk so many years ago.

"I was", she says, gently setting the lamp down and turning to face him. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason", he says quickly and Emma comes closer, cupping his face and making him meet her eyes.

"Lying is a sin", she tells him, and he smiles faintly before stepping away from her.

"So is lust", he says and leaves her standing there, her hands balled into fists, nails leaving half-moon indentations in her palms.

It seems that she's not the only one whose resolve is crumbling.

* * *

Killian's birthday is on Wednesday, and it's a blessing that there's no morning mass on Wednesdays because Emma shows up at Killian's door at Tuesday evening, pushing him inside and slamming the door shut before she wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him.

It's the first time ever he tries to fight her, and even though it only lasts a second, it still hurts her so much. He erases the hurt with his kisses and they spend all their remaining time in bed, making love desperately as he keeps whispering in her ear how much he loves her.

"Is that the pirate talking or the priest?" Emma asks him, then kisses him before he can respond.

"Both", he answers when they come up for air, and she knows she should feel guilty for what she did, but she can't because she had sacrificed years of making love and a possibility of ending this curse for his religion, and she feels that she at least deserves this; any punishment that might be coming her way in the afterlife is going to be worth it.

When the time comes he doesn't say anything, just gives her a sad smile and closes his eyes, taking the pain with a serene expression on his face; it's only then that she realizes he had never asked her to explain what was going on and she never told him that this was always bound to happen, that this is not some kind of divine punishment for his sins.

"Killian", she chokes on his name, horrified that she did this to him but it's too late, he's already gone and it breaks her that he died thinking he's going to Hell, nonetheless welcoming death with open arms.

There's no limit to what he'd do for her, but it doesn't bring her any satisfaction because he's still gone and she's still going back, everything starting again, the ending still nowhere in sight.

* * *

**Review?**


	15. Daytona Beach, Florida

**A lot of you asked how many chapters there's going to be, and while I won't tell you that, I will tell you that I am NOT doing all 50 states. Last chapter was a bit of a reprieve, but from now on there's no such thing, and I hope you understand what's the point of all this; to show that their love is eternal, and that no matter what happens, they are going to find their way to a happy ending; hope never really dies, even if it does fall asleep sometimes. Thanks for reading and sticking with this story, it means so much!**

* * *

The first thing Emma does when she wakes up is hotwire a car and drive to Santa Fe, stopping just a few times for shoplifting trips and bathroom breaks, sleeping in the back seat only when she can't keep her eyes open anymore. She doesn't know where this sudden urge to visit the place where she had seen Killian last comes from, but she doesn't fight it, and a week later she parks the car outside the church that's always going to be Killian's and goes inside.

Everything looks exactly the same. She had expected it to look different, to feel different, but it doesn't; the same saints, the same pews, the same feeling of comfort surrounds her, and the only thing missing is Killian's presence.

She can't feel him here anymore. There's no anticipation deep inside her that used to warn her that he's about to come out the door that leads to his office and greet her with a warm smile, looking at her as if he knew all her secrets, even if he didn't know the most important one.

Killian Jones is not a priest anymore, and Emma sits in a pew and wishes she had the strength to stay in this town and just remember him, to rest for once and spare herself more heartbreak. Maybe if she knew what the outcome is going to be she would, but she can't give up on Killian as long as there's hope that this life is the one that gives them a miracle so they can go home.

But then again, she probably wouldn't stay even if she knew that all she gets this time is more pain, because everything inside her is longing for Killian and she just doesn't know how to stop searching for him, how to stop imagining the day his arms close around her again.

* * *

In this life Killian is a NASCAR driver and Emma laughs out loud when she finally tracks him down almost a decade later. People at the public library are looking at her funny but she laughs and laughs because her pirate was hopeless with cars; she tried teaching him to drive so many times but he just couldn't get the hang of the gear shift and pedals, and she had teased him mercilessly about it. The fact that he had taught her how to sail in one afternoon didn't help, and now when she thinks about it she wonders if maybe he was a much better teacher than she was, if she could've been as infinitely patient as he was.

If this is the life in which they succeed, she won't have to worry about it anymore because he can do things with a car that she can't even dream about.

Since she can't find Killian's home address Emma goes to the race track and hangs out outside it until he shows up for training. It's almost noon and she'd been sitting in her car since nine, reading their journal and wishing she could've kept the original one that had Killian's handwriting in it too; this one was entirely written by her and it lacks the effortless beauty with which he had described their happy ending.

Emma sets the journal down and looks at Killian through her windshield; he's stepping out of a shiny Corvette wearing jeans and a dark red henley under a leather jacket, leaving her completely breathless because for some reason she had expected him to dress the way her priest did, in checkered shirts and jumpers that looked so soft she had to stop herself from reaching out to touch.

The absence of his Ninja is just an afterthought when Killian leans through the window and she realizes that he wasn't alone. Some blonde shifts into the driver's seat of his car and he kisses her, then stands aside and watches her drive away.

The smile that's still lingering on his lips when he starts for the race track breaks Emma's heart and she hesitates, deathly afraid that he won't even talk to her if she approaches him now.

Killian decides for her when he approaches her car and peers at her over the edge of his sunglasses, motioning to the sign at the edge of the parking lot when he speaks.

"You're not supposed to park here", he says and Emma doesn't even bother to look at the sign.

"What's it to you?" She asks him sharply because she's angry and she doesn't want to be nice; she'd been alone for all this time and he had gotten involved with the first bimbo that came along.

"Well, for starters, it's my race track", he says with an amused smile and Emma presses her lips into a thin line, desperately trying to hold onto her anger.

"Oh really?" She asks sarcastically, opening the door so suddenly that he has to jump back to avoid getting hit with it as she gets out of the car.

"What is your problem", he exclaims and he doesn't look amused anymore, just confused and maybe a little worried too.

"My problem is that I have been loyal to you for over a century and you can't keep it in your pants for a decade!" Emma screams at him and he takes a step back, whipping off his sunglasses and looking at her like she'd gone crazy.

Maybe she did, maybe she'd been too lonely, maybe she was hurt too much, held him in her arms as he died one too many time.

Maybe she's not the Emma he loved anymore, and that's why when he looks at her he can't see what he'd always seen; a woman he loves even if he can't remember her name.

There's only one way to know for sure, and even though she's deathly afraid of the outcome, she needs to know, so she grabs the lapels of his jacket and crushes her lips against his, one word repeating in her mind: _please_.

To Emma, it seems like minutes pass before he starts kissing her back, before his arms wrap around her waist and she collapses against him, relief making her dizzy, her heart racing like it hadn't for a long time.

"I love you, lass. I always love you, even when I don't know you exist", Killian says against her ear and she clings to him, letting him take her weight and hold her upright as she inhales his scent and tries to slow down her racing heart.

"I'm sorry", Emma whispers and presses her cheek against his shoulder, closing her eyes when he kisses the top of her head and tells her that everything's going to be alright now that she's here.

Emma wants to believe him, but she just can't.

* * *

It turns out that the woman Emma saw kissing Killian was a legitimate girlfriend, not just a one night stand, and that they even shared an apartment. She feels guilty for messing it up for him when they only have two years to make a baby and chances are they won't succeed, but it's too late; Killian moves out of the apartment and moves into Emma's motel room until they find a new place.

"Do you still love her?" Emma asks him on their first night together in their own bed and he wraps his arms around her a little bit tighter as if he's trying to make sure she wouldn't be able to escape when he answers her.

"I've known that girl since we were in middle school", Killian says softly, and Emma realizes he loved her three times longer than he had loved Emma.

"Let me go", Emma says when she tries to get up and he doesn't let her, his arms like a prison she can't escape no matter how hard she tries. "Killian, please, let me go."

She's crying, and she can't stop herself, because if they break the curse in this life, he's always going to remember that woman, he's always going to love her too.

"No, lass. I'm never letting you go", he says and waits until her tears ebb, kissing her cheek again and again because she refuses to allow him access to her lips. "I loved Milah before you and I loved Grace while you were lost to me, but I never loved them as much as I love you because you are my true love, my second half, the only one I would spend an eternity waiting for. It's always you, Emma."

Emma lies in the circle of his arms with her eyes closed, trying to believe him, trying to forget about Grace, but she can't because she had always thought that after they kissed he'd forget about anybody else.

She thought she'd be the only one.

"Emma, look at me", he says and tilts her face up with a finger under her chin, the broken edge to his voice making it impossible for her to resist him, so she opens her eyes and meets his blue gaze.

Killian smiles and kisses her gently, gently, just a brief touch of his lips to hers, their eyes still locked together; he brushes hair off her forehead and rubs his nose against hers before he finally speaks.

"I can't undo what happened while you were gone any more than you can find me quicker than you do, but I can promise you that if we break the curse this time I'm going to give all my love to you and our child and Henry, and nobody else", he says, and she smiles and tells him that she loves him because it's the truth, because no matter what happens she's always going to love him.

She doesn't tell him that she's hoping he's not the one she breaks the curse with.

* * *

Killian's got a race on Monday and Emma goes to the racing track even though she's not really in the mood for watching rainbow-colored cars going round and round in circles. She finds him signing autographs to a group of giggling teenage girls and wraps her arms around his waist from behind, rising on her tiptoes and peering over his shoulder.

"Can I get one?" She asks him, ignoring the way his fans are looking at her because he's hers and nobody else's.

"Your wish is my command", Killian says and draws a swan and a hook that form a heart together, writing just one word inside it: _forever_.

Emma takes the piece of paper from his hand and folds it carefully, slipping it into her back pocket before she steps around him and kissed him to wish him good luck with the race.

"I'm going to win this thing for you, love", he says and when Emma starts to walk away he grips her wrist and pulls her back for one more kiss. Emma pulls away first and walks toward the stands, his eyes on her every time she looks at him over her shoulder, his scent caught on her clothes as if he's still right next to her.

Three laps into the race he doesn't make the turn and drives into the wall at 200 miles per hour.

* * *

Emma doesn't go to the funeral because she knows Grace is going to be there and she can't face her after what had happened; she spends an entire week in bed instead, wearing Killian's clothes and telling herself that she can still smell him every time she presses her nose against his pillow.

She thinks it's her fault that he's dead, her fault because she couldn't let go of Grace like he did, because she had prayed that he wouldn't be the one who broke their curse and got her wish.

Killian won't be going back to Storybrooke with her, he won't be going anywhere ever again.

What makes everything worse is the fact that she finds a beautiful engagement ring that must've been handed down for generations in the back of his sock drawer, and freshly engraved inside is her name, not Grace's. She slips the ring on her finger next to the one another Killian gave her in Paris, dropping on the edge of their bed and looking at it until she can't see it anymore because her vision is too blurry with tears.

* * *

Time passes painfully slowly and no matter where Emma is, whether she's doing the dishes or working at a diner on the edge of a town as far away from Daytona as she can get, she's always thinking about the way she doubted Killian, unable to shake the feeling that she had betrayed him in the worst way possible.

She's always thinking how she got her wish and lost almost three years she could've spent with the love of her life, and when time finally comes for her to go back, she vows never to be jealous of people he might love while she's gone, because he's always going to love her more.

If only she could've believed in that while he was still there with her.

The past pulls her back and Emma closes her eyes, for a moment wishing she could be like Killian and start over in each life, but then remembers that every wish she had ever made only brought her heartbreak so she stops thinking about anything at all, letting the darkness finally take her under.

* * *

**Review?**


	16. Houston, Texas

**There are five more chapters in which Killian dies after this one, and if you think you can't handle it anymore, stop reading until we get to the happy; I won't mind at all. The rest of you, enjoy the feels!**

* * *

For a couple of years, Emma doesn't look for Killian. She settles in a small seaside town and she tries to forget, tries to escape the memories of so many Killian's deaths, but no matter how much she tries, she always sees blood on her hands.

For a couple of years, Emma goes to work in a local library, even makes a few friends, but it's like Killian is always with her, following her around and silently asking her why isn't she looking for him.

All she has to do is look at the sea or the sky and see his eyes looking back at her, begging her not to give up.

For a couple of years, she does, but then she can't take the guilt anymore and leaves in the middle of the night; she doesn't tell anybody where she's going even though she knows people are going to worry about her, wonder what had happened that made her leave without saying goodbye.

But that's who she is, who she'd always been, and without Henry, her parents and Killian, she goes back to caring only about herself.

* * *

Emma finds Killian in Texas; he's a rodeo cowboy on top of his game, but the first time Emma sees him ride he ends up sprawled in the dirt right in front of her.

He gets back on his feet right away and shoots her a wink under the brim of his hat; Emma can't help thinking of her previous Killian and the horrible way he died, can't help seeing the same fate for this Killian, can't help seeing him get thrown and trampled so badly that he never gets up again.

And yet, she makes her way to where all the cowboys are, flirts her way in and comes up to him without a second's hesitation.

"I was hopin' you'd come looking for me", he says, grinning at her in that same insufferable way he did when they had first met.

"Are you always that graceful when you fall off?" She asks him, tilting her head to the side and ignoring the other cowboys laughing at Killian.

"I rarely fall off", he tells her, and the look in his eyes changes like it always does when he realizes that she's not some random girl chatting him up. It's Emma's cue to kiss him so she grabs his shoulders and does just that, their tongues tangling together as he pulls her close.

He says her name against her lips and dips her over, kissing her so hard her lips tingle for hours afterwards.

He doesn't fall off again that day.

* * *

Emma tells him about the curse, about the way to end it, and how his previous incarnation met his ending too soon, hoping that he's going to get the message and give the rodeo up.

He doesn't; he tells her that rodeo is in his blood and that he can't give it up any more than he could give her up.

"Nothing's going to happen to me, Emma. I promise", he says, kissing her and running his hand under her skirt until she can't think anymore, can't find the words to tell him that he'd said the same thing to her just a few days before he crashed his car, before she had to watch his team get him out of the wreck knowing that there's nothing she or anybody else can do to breathe life back into him.

Killian kisses her, and Emma tells herself that history won't repeat itself, that this time he's going to be okay.

* * *

The day he breaks his arm Emma sits in the hallway of the hospital, waiting for the doctor to fix him so she can go in and yell at him, but when she sees him she just can't. He looks so miserable, embarrassed even, so she just kisses him and hopes it's the end of his career.

For two carefree months they do nothing except spend time together, making love carefully so they don't hurt his arm further, and then he's healed and back in the saddle the second the cast comes off.

Emma never goes to see him ride again.

Time is slipping though their fingers as it is, and he's risking both his life and their future, and no matter how many times she asks him to stop, he never does.

* * *

"Why do you like it so much?" Emma asks him, sitting next to him in a hospital room in San Antonio, their entwined hands resting on her thigh. He's got four broken ribs and his leg is busted, but she can see in his eyes that he's nowhere near ready to quit, practically itching to get up and hurt himself again.

She wonders what's it going to be next, catching herself praying for something bad enough that prevents him from riding because she'd rather have him alive than whole.

"Because for those eight seconds I'm in control of my fate. And it's the only time I am", he tells her, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb, and when their eyes meet all she sees is Captain Hook looking up at her from a bed much like this one as she told him that he's the one she'd pick for the dead guy of the year. She was wrong then, and she hopes to God she's wrong now.

She just can't lose him too soon two times in a row.

* * *

It takes him longer to recover this time and his limp never quite goes away, but he still goes back to rodeo, and every time he's riding she takes the Ninja and drives until it's time to go home and see if he's there waiting for her, or if she should turn around and go to the hospital to hear him ask for her forgiveness and swear to her that he's going to quit when the season is through, knowing that he won't.

Killian might give his heart to her, but he'd give his life for the rodeo, for those eight seconds that might cost them their future.

And so they go on like that, and there's a lot of doors slamming and nights when she lies curled on her side with her back to him, feeling like the only thing keeping them together is that fragile flame of hope that this is the life in which they break the curse.

They still have two years and she thinks that if they don't succeed, she's going to walk away from him because this is killing her and the odds are not in his favor anymore; too many injuries, too many times he was not strong enough or lucky enough.

And then, like he always does, he scoots closer to her and wraps his arms around her, kissing her neck and resting his chin on her shoulder, and Emma thinks to herself: _I'll never leave him._

* * *

Emma parks the Ninja in the garage and enters the house, her stomach tying itself into knots when she walks into the living room and finds it empty.

"Killian?" She calls, and the only thing that answers her is the echo of an empty house.

Emma drops down on the couch and calls his cell phone, her hands shaking as she tries to convince herself that he's not gone, that he's just late, or a little banged up and getting stitches. Frankly, at that moment, she'd accept any injury as long as he's alive.

The person who picks up is not Killian but a nurse in the hospital telling her to get there as soon as she can. Emma is on the move already, and she doesn't ask if he's going to be okay because she can't bear to hear the answer.

When she arrives at the hospital he's already in surgery and nobody wants to tell her anything except that he was thrown and then trampled pretty badly; she paces up and down the hallway making deals with God she doesn't believe in because that's the only thing she can do, wait and pray and try to keep the faith that she's not going to lose him today.

The doctor finally comes out when it's already dark outside and tells her that Killian's been lucky, that he's going to be okay even though he's never going to be able to ride a bull again. To Emma that doesn't sound very lucky, and she doesn't feel any satisfaction that her wish had been granted, especially when they let her into Killian's room and she sees for herself the state he's in.

Emma chokes on a sob and presses her hand to her mouth, blinking back tears as she comes closer to his bed, thinking that he'd never looked so broken, so fragile and pale against the pillow; there's a bandage around his head and another one around his chest, and he's bruised everywhere she can see and probably where she can't too, so when she takes his hand in hers she's infinitely gentle, wiping her tears away with her free hand and sitting down in a chair next to his bed, prepared to stay there however long it takes for him to wake up.

* * *

Emma wakes up to the sound of Killian saying her name and sits up slowly, only remembering what had happened when she sees his bruised face.

"Hey", she says, her voice rough with sleep, her lips stretching into a smile because he's here; she didn't lose him and nothing else matters to her.

"I feel strange", he tells her, looking down at himself and gripping her fingers tightly.

"Getting trampled will do that to you", she says, her voice breaking because she could've lost him so easily and it's killing her. He'd been killing her, and the realization of what he'd been doing to her finally dawns in his blue eyes.

"Emma, I'm sorry. I'll stop, I promise. I'm never going to ride another bull again", he says, and this time it's clear that he means it; it took him almost dying, but now he's done hurting himself because it hurts her more than it does him.

Emma leans in and gently brushes her lips against his, and she doesn't tell him that he couldn't even if he wanted to.

* * *

Killian spends almost six months in the hospital and half of that they can't even have sex because he's too messed up and they can't find a position that doesn't hurt him, and not for the lack of trying. Emma keeps telling him that it's okay but he's suddenly so driven to get her pregnant that nothing she says gets through to him and she finally gives up talking and stays away from his bed until she's sure that he's well enough again.

She finally drives him home on a cold day in March and he falls asleep in the middle of the afternoon, exhausted from the short walk between the car and their bedroom.

Emma sits on the bed next to him and wonders how much of his lives is a coincidence and how much is Gold's and Regina's work, because it's like everything always works against them and prevents them from breaking the curse. She tries not to think about the possibility that there's just no way to win, because if she loses that hope she doesn't know where she's going to find the strength to go on.

When September comes and she's still not pregnant, she's not even surprised anymore.

* * *

Killian's birthday dawns and they lie in bed facing each other, Emma's leg trapped between his and his hand holding hers, their eyes locked together as they wait for the inevitable.

"I'll be seeing you", he says, breathing through the pain in his chest and apologizing again for the pain he'd caused her in this life.

"I love you", Emma says, those three simple words giving him absolution before he closes his eyes, his hand letting hers go.

There's a half-smile on his lips and Emma blinks away tears so she can keep looking at him until the past comes for her and takes her away, his words still ringing in her ears.

_I'll be seeing you._

* * *

**Review?**


	17. New York City, New York

**Thanks for reading, and enjoy the feels!**

* * *

Emma is on her way to cross the street and ring Killian's doorbell when the doors of his building open and he comes out, holding the hands of two little girls. She pauses for a moment, then convinces herself that there's got to be some explanation other than the obvious and follows them to a park where Killian leans on a jungle jim and watches the girls play while Emma sits on a bench nearby, feeling like her heart is being ripped apart.

There's no denying that he's their father now that she's close to Emily and Violet; both of his children have jet black hair and his eyes, they smile like him and laugh like him and she can't stop the silent tears that cascade down her cheeks, blurring her vision until she can't see anything except colorful clothes going up and down on the swings.

"Are you okay? That was a stupid question, you're obviously not", Killian says and she looks up, quickly wiping at her eyes and shaking her head.

"I'm fine, don't worry about me", she tells him before she can think about what she's saying because it comes out sounding too soft, with too much familiarity on her side.

They are supposed to be strangers, but her voice betrays their history so easily, so recklessly, and he's already looking at her the way he absolutely shouldn't.

He's got two children and a ring on his finger but he still can't bear to see Emma cry.

"You don't sound fine", he tells her gently, and when his hand reaches for her shoulder she gets up and runs away. She flies through the little park and down three blocks before she finally slows down and looks behind her.

She knew that he wouldn't follow her because he doesn't know her and because he would never leave his children behind to chase after a stranger, but there's a part of her that had still hoped he would, and that part is devastated now.

Just like the rest of her.

* * *

Emma lies in her bed for half the night and finally decides that she has to leave New York, has to get away from Killian because the longer she stays the harder it's going to be to not kiss him this time, to not bring her pirate back. She's tired and she can barely keep her eyes open but she packs the car and checks out of the motel, intending to just drive no matter which direction the road takes her.

It takes her right to Killian's door.

Emma parks the car and suddenly she's waking up to somebody knocking on her window; she knows it's Killian even before she opens her eyes because he's in her blood and on her heart, and she always knows when he's close.

"Are you stalking me?" He asks her when she rolls down her window and the crooked smile he gives her is her undoing.

"I plead the fifth", Emma says and gets out from the car, his presence drawing her in, temporarily clouding her judgment because she should know better than this.

She should not get within kissing distance from him because when he's this close she can practically feel him on her lips already and it's making her forget why she wants to leave.

"How about you tell me what are you doing here? If you need help, I can help you", he tells her and his eyes are so sincere that she can't fight herself anymore.

She'd been alone for too long, missing him and dreaming about the day she sees him again and wakes them both up with a kiss; it's exactly what she does now, and it's only when he pushes her away that she realizes what she'd done.

"Emma", he says and she's horrified because even that brief touch of their lips was enough for her to destroy his life.

She doesn't give him a chance to say anything else, jumping in her car and driving away, thanking her lucky stars that he's too stunned to stop her.

And yet, she doesn't go any further than New Jersey, checking into another motel and hoping against hope that this time he's the one that finds her.

* * *

It's been a week and Emma hadn't gone to bed sober since the day she kissed Killian. Whiskey is the only thing that can dull her guilty conscience enough to allow her to sleep and even when it does she keeps having horrible nightmares in which it's not Killian dying, it's his girls, and it's all Emma's fault.

When there's a knock on her door Emma flings it wide open, still expecting to see him, still believing that he won't be able to stay away just like she couldn't.

She's right; Killian is standing in the hallway and there are dark circles under his eyes that mirror Emma's own, but he's here, and that's enough.

Emma's fingers wrap around his wrist and she pulls him inside, slamming the door shut and pressing herself against him before she kisses him hungrily. He doesn't respond with his usual passion and she pulls away, trying to stop herself from falling apart and keep her voice steady when she speaks.

"How did you find me?"

"I'm a cop, Swan, and even if I wasn't, I'd still track you down, no matter how long it took", he says, sitting at a table in the corner of her room and motioning for her to sit on the other chair.

"What do you want? Because you obviously don't want me anymore", Emma asks, her voice breaking just a little, and judging by the way his hand trembles on the tabletop he had noticed; he's probably trying to stop himself from reaching for her.

"I want you, Emma. I always want you, and you know it", he says, and he sounds so sad, so broken, and it's painful to know that she's the one who made him like that. "Tell me why. Why this happened? Why did I forget you?"

Emma leans against the wall and stares at the ceiling, wishing she could go back, wishing she hadn't kissed him, wishing he could spend his remaining year and a half with his children and wife instead of being split in half the way he is now.

Life had never asked her what she wanted and when Gold did, she made a decision she now has to live with, so she tells Killian everything, why she agreed to the curse and how they can break it, how long she'd been living like this and how many lives he had lived.

How many times she held him in her arms and watched the light go out in his eyes.

When she's done, she feels so numb, so dead inside that she can't figure out how is he suddenly kneeling in front of her, why is he pulling her into a hug instead of being mad at her.

"I would've done the same", he says next to her ear and it's enough to break that dam inside her so that all her anguish and pain can come out in hiccupping sobs.

Killian gathers her in his arms and carries her to bed, wrapping her in a tight embrace and murmuring nonsense in her ear until she cries herself to sleep.

* * *

Emma wakes and realizes that Killian is gone, her face crumpling because she wanted him to stay, she wanted him to abandon his children for her even though she knows it's wrong.

It's just another side-effect of the curse; utter selfishness.

There's a note on the bedside table she crumples in her fist and has every intention on throwing in the trash without reading, but something stops her, some deeply buried hope stilling her hand.

_I'll be back tonight_, the note reads and Emma flops back down on the bed, wishing she could sleep until tonight comes, until Killian is with her again.

* * *

Emma leaves the door unlocked at 8 p.m. and goes to take a shower. By the time she emerges from the bathroom wrapped in a towel, her damp hair falling over her shoulder, Killian is standing next to her bed waiting for her; they stare at each other for a moment, then move as one, meeting in the middle of the room and wrapping their arms around each other, their kiss hungry and rushed because they both know they don't have too long.

Killian is not here to stay.

If she were still the same Emma she was in Storybrooke, she'd have sent him back to his wife, she'd have told him that it's okay, that soon there's going to be a new Killian she can find her happy ending with, but she's not the same and she never will be again, and this Emma doesn't care about social conventions, doesn't care if she's not the one he sees first thing in the morning.

This Emma needs him so much that she settles for stolen minutes and hours; he's always hers, even when he's borrowed.

Killian unwraps the towel and pulls her closer to him, his hands resting on her hips, and she wonders briefly if his ring is burning his finger as much as it's burning her skin, but then he pulls her toward the bed and she can't think about anything except how to get him naked as soon as possible so that she can touch him again.

"I love you", he tells her and she makes a conscious effort to say it back instead of asking him if he'd said the same thing to his wife today.

Who knows? Maybe it is possible to love two people at the same time when one of them is your true love.

* * *

"I have to go", Killian says, smiling sadly at her and tangling his fingers in her hair when she looks away, tugging gently until she meets his gaze again. "I don't want to go, but I have to tuck the girls in bed."

"So go", Emma says but her arms are still around him, their legs are still tangled together and neither makes a move to untangle them.

"Tell me what to do", he says brokenly, and Emma shakes her head, cupping his face and running her thumb over his smooth cheek as she kisses him.

"Be with your family, and come back to me when you can", she tells him, finding the strength to be the Emma she was, to not ask him to leave his children for her because she knows he would.

He had never not done what she asked of him.

"You are my family", he tells her, a single tear rolling into her hand before he shakes himself and presses his lips against her forehead.

Emma closes her eyes so she doesn't have to watch him put on his clothes and go, and she can't help a smile that stretches her lips when Killian comes back to kiss her temple before he leaves.

"I'll be back", he says and then the door clicks shut behind him with painful finality.

For today.

* * *

Killian keeps coming to see her and they only ever talk about his job and the cases he's working on because every other conversation leads to his family and neither of them wants to discuss that. Sometimes he takes her on a bike ride but mostly they stay in bed and just make love, holding each other close until it's time for him to return to the real world.

Emma exists in a vacuum where nothing matters except the time she spends with him, and when September comes and she's still not pregnant she expects him to stop coming since they had failed again and soon he's going to die, soon he's going to have another life in which he won't even remember his girls.

And yet, he's there with her almost every night, he never abandons her, and she wonders if his wife suspects anything or if she's so comfortable in her life that she never notices the change in him.

Emma likes to think that if the roles were reversed, she'd know, and it never even crosses her mind that his wife might know, but she's as desperate as Emma to keep Killian with her.

* * *

The night before Killian's birthday he comes later than usual and it's the first time he talks about his girls. They lay in bed and he tells her how frightened he'd been when Emily was born, how many nights he had spent awake and watched her sleep, wanting to make sure she's still breathing. Every word he says hurts because Emma never had that with Henry and it's debatable if she's ever going to have it with Killian's child because from this perspective it seems impossible that they are ever going to break the curse.

She used to see adorable blue-eyes babies every time she closed her eyes, but now all she sees is Killian taking his last breath and leaving her again.

"Who named her Emily?" Emma asks him, finally seeking confirmation for the theory she had since that first day when she had heard him say his daughter's name.

"I did", he says and smiles the way she hadn't seen him smile yet in this life.

That's how she knows that he's thinking that same thing she's thinking; somewhere inside him there was a tiny piece of Emma and it was what prompted him to choose a name so alike hers for his first child.

Killian kisses her and when Emma runs her fingers through his hair it feels different, it feels like it used to when there was nobody between them; she's so taken by it that the fact that his hand grips her waist almost painfully barely registers, and it's only when his lips stop moving that she realizes that he's gone.

Emma stays where she is with her eyes closed and she doesn't have to wait long for the past to come for them both, just like it always does.

* * *

**Review?**


	18. Washington, DC

**I'm so sorry for the delay, but ff wouldn't let me update last night, so you get 2 chapters today! This one is probably the most hurtful thing I've ever written, but I hope you understand the motivation behind it. Also, if you want to discuss any part of this fic, my inbox is always open. Thank you so much for reading/reviewing and sticking with me and this story!**

* * *

After the last time when she had to share Killian with another woman, Emma is even more desperate to find him quickly, to find him before he falls in love with somebody else, before he makes babies with a woman that's not her.

Because she's so driven she tracks him down faster than ever before, barely sleeping and spending every minute searching for him until she holds his address in the palm of her hand.

Emma parks the car outside a rundown house and checks the paper a few times to make sure she's at the right place, and when she's sure she is she goes to the front door and knocks briskly, looking around and not liking the look of the neighborhood at all.

Nothing moves inside the house so she goes to the window and peers through it, trying to see through the grime. She can barely make out a figure lying on the couch but she can't tell for sure if it's Killian or not.

"Hey!" Emma calls but whoever is inside doesn't even flinch. "Screw this."

Emma goes back to the front door and jimmies the lock, slipping inside and closing the door behind her. Outside the sun is shining brightly but inside it's gloomy and Emma waits until her eyes adjust before she follows the hallway to the living room.

Killian is sprawled on the dirty couch and there's a needle sticking out of his arm, the world spinning around her when she realizes what she's seeing.

"Killian", she says his name softly, walking closer in a daze and carefully extracting the needle before she kneels on the floor beside him and shakes him roughly, calling his name until his eyelashes flutter and his eyes finally open. He blinks up at her a few times and she doesn't waste any time, cupping his face in her hands and kissing him, tears spilling from her eyes because she can't believe that he'd been doing this to himself.

"Emma", he whispers her name and wraps his arms around her, pulling her down on top of him, her breath leaving her in a gasp because he's holding her too tightly, but she doesn't tell him that she can't breathe because she had found him in the nick of time and everything's going to be alright.

"Shhh, it's okay. I'm here now", she murmurs against his ear, pressing kisses against his cheek and wishing she could erase all his pain and make him forget everything he'd been through in this life.

She knows that there's a long road ahead of them, but she believes that they can make it because this time, they've got over six years.

* * *

Three days later Emma wakes up in the middle of the night and finds their bed empty, a chill running down her spine because she immediately assumes the worst, so she scrambles out of bed and knocks on the bathroom door. The light is coming from under it and Killian has to be inside, but when she tries the door knob it doesn't budge.

"Killian!" She yells and hits the door with her fist, then slams her shoulder against it until it gives and she practically falls into the bathroom.

Killian is sitting on the floor with his back against the bathtub, his eyes closed, the empty syringe still clutched in his hand.

Emma slaps him hard but nothing happens and when she puts her ear against his chest his heart is beating so slowly that for a horrible moment she thinks he's gone.

"You have to wake up", she cries at him and grabs the shower handle, opening the cold water and spraying him in the face until he finally comes to, sputtering and gasping for breath.

"Emma, please", he says and she closes the water, shaking like a leaf because this has been one of the scariest minutes in her life.

"Why did you do it?" Emma cries, framing his face in her hands and making him look at her.

"Because I'm a junkie. Because I don't know how to stop", he shouts at her and Emma bites her lip, realizing that this is beyond her, this is something her love alone can't fix.

"Then we find somebody to show you how", she says, resting her forehead against his, her breath coming in ragged gasps now that adrenaline is leaving her system.

"I'm sorry", he says and Emma knows this was her fault; she should've known that him going cold turkey was a really bad idea.

"You're going to be okay", she says and they stay like that until dawn, sitting on the floor and holding onto each other for dear life.

* * *

For the first four months Killian is in rehab Emma is forbidden to see him, and when they finally let her near him he looks much better than he did when they checked him in. The dark shadows under his eyes are pretty much gone and he's back to his usual weight; it's enough for her to see his smile to know that the worst is over.

They sneak off to his room even though it's strictly off limits for visitors and Emma kisses him, pressing her hips against his and tangling her fingers in his hair, her entire body aching for him.

Killian unzips her dress and traces his fingers down her back, her skin burning everywhere he touches her.

"I've been waiting for you, for so long", he says against her ear, pressing his lips against her neck, her head falling back to allow him better access. Her hands are wandering over his stomach, but he stops her before she slips them under the waist of his jeans. Emma shoots him a surprised look and he doesn't explain, just goes back to kissing her skin, slowly rolling down her dress until it's off completely and she can step out of it.

He leads her to the bed and she kicks off her shoes before lying down and watching him settle next to her, hair falling into his eyes as he runs his hand from her hip to her breast and leans down to follow the same path with his lips. Emma closes her eyes and just feels, never knowing where he's going to touch her next, where his lips are going to tease her.

It's not long before she's completely breathless, before she can't wait anymore, before she sits up and reaches for the zipper of his jeans.

"I need you now", Emma says and he gives her a self-satisfied smirk that is one hundred percent her pirate, laying her back down and pinning her with his hips so she can't go anywhere when he returns his attention to her breast.

Emma squirms against him and tries to find some way to relieve the pressure that's rising between her legs, biting her lip when she feels him pressing against her in the most perfect way, wishing he'd stop torturing her and finally take her.

It's been almost six years and Emma can't wait for a minute longer so she hooks her leg around him and flips them over, finally pulling the zipper down and taking him in her hand, loving the way his eyes drift closed and his hands grip her waist tighter.

Killian relinquishes control and lets her do what she wants and when they finally reunite it's explosive and marvelous and new, their eyes locked together, their fingers entwined, their hearts sharing the same rhythm, forever connected with each other by their immense love.

* * *

Emma keeps coming to see Killian for the rest of that summer and finds out she's pregnant two weeks before he's to be released. At first she thinks about keeping it to herself until he's back home, but the second she sees his face she knows that he needs to know right away and she can't fight the smile that stretches her lips when he kisses her.

"Emma… Are you?" He asks her, reading her so well, and she nods, the look of wonder on his face more than making up for their bumpy start. "We're going home."

"Yes, we are", Emma says, ignoring the little voice in the back of her head that tries to remind her about the last time she was pregnant and how everything fell apart in a second, telling herself that this time nothing's going to go wrong.

This time they are going to make it and finally hold their baby.

* * *

They release Killian a week before Emma's birthday and she comes to pick him up; it's only as she parks her car across from the clinic that she realizes she hadn't asked him about the Ninja yet. She tells herself that her hands are shaking because she's so giddy with excitement, she tells herself that today is the first day of the rest of their lives and that his bike or the absence of it don't mean anything.

Emma gets out from the car as soon as she sees him approach and Killian smiles at her, stepping off the curb and never reaching her because a car comes around the corner and sends him flying through the air like a rag doll.

For the longest moment Emma can't move, she can't even call his name, she just stands there and stares at the unmoving heap at her side of the road. When she does move, it's slow, her steps faltering and her heart stuttering in her chest because this can't be real, this can't be how it's going to end, not now, not when they were on their way home.

If he dies... _No._

Killian's hands reaches for her like it did that rainy night in Storybrooke, but this time he's not calling her beautiful, this time he's not saying anything except looking at her with wide eyes, his lips trembling, his grip on her hand weakening by the second.

"Please", Emma breathes, wiping the blood from the corner of his lips with her sleeve, shaking her head and trying to figure out what to do.

He's dying and she doesn't know what to do to stop him.

"I'm sorry", he whispers, and she leans down not to miss a single word he says. "Say hello to Henry for me."

"Killian, please. Don't go. I need you to stay, please", Emma pleads with him, her eyes locked on his, knowing in her heart that it's useless. He's going to die and this time it's going to be final, this time she's going to give birth to their baby and the curse is going to be broken, and after everything she'd been through she's still going to grow old alone.

There's no doubt in her mind that she's never going to move on after Killian.

"I love you, lass", he says and Emma kisses him, trying to heal him with her magic but nothing happens; she can taste his blood on her tongue and when she opens her eyes she finds him staring up at the sky that reflects his eyes, not seeing it anymore.

"No, please, no", Emma cries out, lying her head on his chest and wrapping her arms around him, telling herself that if she doesn't let him go she'd be able to stay with him forever.

Killian is gone and she doesn't want to go home without him.

* * *

It's been a month since she lost Killian, and Emma still feels like she's in a bad dream, like the reality around her and the one in her head are not the same. She'd been thinking long and hard about the future and what she wants it to be, and she'd come to the same conclusion she did when all this started, almost two-hundred and fifteen years ago; she can't imagine a life without Killian.

Emma is presented with a choice again, and she doesn't know how not to choose him; she'd been praying for the end of the curse for so long, but it never occurred to her that she might still end up alone.

The sun is setting over the Potomac and Emma stands on top of her building, the wind playing in her hair, and when she closes her eyes she can almost hear Killian's voice calling for her, she can almost feel him around her like a solid shield from all the things she doesn't want to face.

"I'm sorry", she says into the wind, hoping that wherever Killian is, he can hear her, and he understands.

Hoping that he forgives her.

"I don't know what else to do."

Emma takes a step forward and then she's flying.

* * *

**Review?**


	19. Minneapolis, Minnesota

**As promised, one more chapter today! Thank you for reading/reviewing and I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Emma goes through business of finding Killian like she always does, but she feels like she's just going through the motions, unable to shake the guilt over what she had done. It's not just Killian's child she gave up; she did the same to Henry, because she could've been in Storybrooke by now, she could've been holding her baby and her son, she could've found the comfort in her father's arms and her mother's gentle understanding.

And yet, despite all the guilt, all the pain and continued suffering she's putting herself through, she knows that she would do it all the same; she would give up the world for another chance with Killian.

If somebody had told her that she was throwing away her last chance to break the curse, she would've still done it because she'd rather have heartbreak of more time with Killian than heartbreak of never seeing his face again, never feeling him hold her, never hearing him say he loves her.

She'd been doing this for far too long and she doesn't know how to count her blessings and stop, but then again, her inability to let him go was what got her here in the first place and she'll be damned if she ever gives up the hope for a happy ending.

* * *

Emma finds Killian just before his 28th birthday, their eyes locking across the gym, causing him to drop his guard and get punched, hard. She comes closer and watches him spit blood out of his mouth, taking off his glove with his teeth and coming toward her.

"Are you lost, darlin'? He asks, his gentle lilt making her smile because it's at odds with the tough boxer persona he's got going in the ring.

"Not anymore", she tells him, cupping his face in her hands and tilting his head to see his cheek better. "You should get some ice on that."

"Who are you?" He asks, ignoring her advice but not stepping away; he just looks at her steadily and waits for her to answer him. It's so easy to get lost in his eyes, so easy to forget all the times she watched him die, so easy to believe that this time is going to be different.

"I'm Emma", she says, adding _your Emma_ in her head, then standing on her tiptoes and brushing her lips against his as gently as she can.

"My Emma", he says when the magic between them works like it always does, restoring both his memories and his love for her.

"Always", Emma whispers and tugs on his hand until he follows her toward the changing rooms.

He's got a hundred questions but she doesn't answer them right away, focusing on his cheek first.

"Come on, lass. I'm fine. I get punched much harder during matches", he tells her but she insists on wrapping ice cubes in a towel and pressing it against the bruise.

"I can see that. Your nose is crooked", she teases, trailing her finger over it and shrieking when he pulls her down in his lap and dips her back, the towel falling out of her hand.

"Are you saying I'm not dashing anymore?" He asks her with feigned hurt and Emma digs her fingers in his biceps, irrationally afraid that he's going to drop her. "Emma?"

Her face must betray her fear because he gathers her against him and looks at her the way he always does when something is wrong and she's not forthcoming.

"What's happened?" He asks her, brushing a strand of hair away from her face and she tries to find the words to explain, to tell him that it's not about him dropping her; it's about her fear that she's going to lose him when she least expects it.

"Take me home", she tells him softly and he doesn't question her anymore, just changes into jeans and a t-shirt and leads her outside where his Ninja waits at the start of another journey.

Emma breathes a sigh of relief, finally acknowledging what the Ninja means; they have four years, and she knows exactly how many days, minutes and seconds that is, how many chances to end the curse once and for all.

How many ways to fail too.

* * *

It takes Emma a few days to tell him what had happened so far, but she's very careful to leave out her pain, to downplay what watching him die does to her.

She doesn't mention either of the times she was the one who died.

The way he's looking at her is something new and she makes herself smile and run her hand down his ribs to try and distract him but he catches her hand and shakes his head.

"You're not telling me everything", he says and it's just a nice way to say that she's lying to him.

"It would take me a long time to tell you everything, Killian. It's been 230 years for me since you had your heart crushed", she tells him, a bit surprised that her voice doesn't shake at all.

"You shouldn't have to bear the weight of your greatest heartbreaks alone", he tells her softly, running his hand up and down her back. Emma settles against his shoulder so he can't see her eyes anymore and kisses his neck before closing her eyes and going to sleep.

The fact that he doesn't pressure her worries her a bit because usually he's so persistent when he wants something, but she's too tired to fight sleep and try to figure out what's he going to do.

She never considers the journal in her bag, the journal that has every detail of their lives together, including all the pain that poured out of her for days each time she lost him and found herself at the beginning again.

The journal that she hadn't shown him for a long time and doesn't intend to show him again.

* * *

A few months pass and they settle into a routine; Emma works in the city archives and Killian trains at the crack of dawn and picks up a shift for the local moving company between 8 and 3 so that he can spend the rest of the day with her.

His boxing career suffers for it because he's not training nearly enough and he's getting his ass kicked more and more, but he's too stubborn to listen to her when she tells him to either quit or spend more time at the gym.

"I never was all that good", he tells her on a night he gets knocked out so hard that it takes him full ten minutes to regain consciousness, and she forgets her fear for a moment because of the way he's smiling at her despite his black eye.

"What are you saying?" Emma asks hesitantly, trying not to get her hopes up that he's already giving it up for her considering the fact that it took him years and a life-changing injury to quit the rodeo.

"I'm done", he says and kisses her, his arms wrapping around her waist as he picks her up and holds her against him, sealing a promise on her lips.

He believes he's giving her forever, and it makes her believe too.

* * *

September comes like it always does, quickly and tragically final, and to Emma it feels like it was just yesterday when she had found him, when they had all the time in the world to make the baby and break the curse. She's still amazed how every time she gets disappointed anew, how she can't stop the hope always taking root in her soul and crushing her heart when it's gone.

It's raining outside and it seems like it's never going to stop, but Emma's cheeks are dry; she stares at the world through the window and waits for Killian to come home and hold her, waits for him to convince her that next time it's going to be better.

"Don't go looking for me", he tells her instead and it's so unexpected that she just stares at him. "Find somebody new and forget about me."

He's the same man she had loved for centuries, but right now she feels like she doesn't even know him.

"I don't understand", she says, her voice small, her brain desperately trying to find some other meaning behind his words besides the obvious one.

"Stop breaking your own heart", he tells her, his voice so unbearably gentle, and even though she can't deny that he loves her and is trying to set her free, she still gets angry.

"Excuse me?!" She explodes, pushing his arm away when he tries to embrace her and jumping to her feet. "Have you been listening to me at all? I can't stop looking for you! I can't find somebody else because I'm frozen, I don't age a single day in thirteen years, and _somebody new_ would notice!"

"So you thought about it before", he says with a dark, triumphant smile and she can't do this, she can't look at him sit there and tell her to give him up.

"Don't put words in my mouth!"

"I read the journal", he says quickly, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, looking at her like he's waiting for her to hit him.

That journal might have been for both of them once upon a time but there's too much personal stuff in it; the journal only belongs to her now.

"Do you even realize what you're asking me to do?" She asks him, plopping back down on the couch and bringing her knees to her chest like a shield in case he tries to offer her the comfort of his arms again.

"I do."

"And it's okay with you that I fuck some random guy because we keep failing at ending the curse", she spits the words out, every single one of them feeling like poison on her tongue.

"No, Emma, it's not okay with me, but you put me before our baby and Henry; you're falling apart and I just don't know how to help you", he raises his voice but it still breaks, his hand cupping her face and making her look at him. Her fingers wrap around his wrist and she holds on, tears spilling from her eyes and rolling into his hand.

"I only want you", she tells him, scooting forward and wrapping her arms around his waist, her face buried in his shoulder.

"I know, lass. But try, just once, for me", he says and presses his lips against her forehead.

"Even if I managed to like somebody else, which I won't because I'd be comparing them to you and find them lacking, but if I did and I managed to explain why I don't age at all, I'd still have to go to another life on your birthday."

"But you wouldn't have to lose any more children and keep hoping for something that might never happen", he says softly and it's amazing how easily he pinpoints the worst thing about all this; she keeps focusing on him dying because it's easier than thinking about her unborn babies and how much they would've been loved by both her and Killian.

They sit in silence as the rain keeps falling outside and Emma is grateful that he had let it go, but she gets the feeling that he won't give up so easily.

* * *

Killian keeps asking her to promise him that she won't go looking for him when she goes back and she stubbornly refuses. It goes like that until June and then he finally stops and they spend that last month together in relative peace.

Relative because every day brings them closer to goodbye and neither of them is ready to say it yet.

Emma wakes first on his birthday and sits up slowly, studying his face for a moment before she wakes him up with a kiss and tells him that she's never going to give up on him. Despite all the times he had asked her to do just that he nods and tells her that he had known all along that she wouldn't.

"So why did you keep insisting on it?" Emma asks him, tilting her head to the side and frowning in confusion.

"Because you deserve to rest… You'd been hurting for so long and I want you to be happy for once", he tells her, caressing her face with his knuckles and giving her a brave smile that breaks her because he's about to leave her again and they both know it.

And then he closes his eyes and she holds onto him until past pulls her back, darkness settling not just all around her but inside her heart too.

She had lost him and her hope is gone, and it won't be restored until she finds him again.

* * *

**Review?**


	20. Honolulu, Hawaii

**Just two more chapters and then it's the happy ending; this one goes a bit different, and you finally get Killian's pov. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Something is different this time; Emma feels so tired and hopeless that she doesn't even bother leaving the city she always ends up in first. For a year she does nothing but break into apartments and steal from people, recklessly, and what's worse, without any remorse. It doesn't matter if she can see that they are barely making ends meet every month; if there's money put aside to pay the bills she takes it and never looks back.

She never used to be this way, and she tries blaming it on Killian because he had kept telling her to try somebody new; he had put a bug in her ear, and she's beginning to wonder if maybe he was right, if maybe she should rest for once, if she should live one life free from misery of seeing him die.

Still, she knows that none of what's happening is Killian's fault; it's all hers, every life, every Killian's death, all the pain she had caused them both. It's the reason she had changed so much, turned into a person she never thought she'd be, somebody hard and unpleasant and just a little bit crazy.

This life she leads is exactly what she deserves.

* * *

She meets Noah in a bar on a Thursday night, snow gently covering the silent world outside. Christmas was two days ago and Killian is somewhere out there, twenty four and a half years old, unaware that she even exists.

Noah is pleasant even though she's being a bitch, letting him buy her drinks but not really talking to him. Still, he persists, and she catches herself smiling at his purposely lame jokes. His eyes are blue, but not as blue as Killian's, and she's grateful for that.

His hands are nice, but not as beautiful as Killian's, and she's grateful for that too.

When she lets him take her home and lie her down on his bed it's easy to imagine other arms holding her without actually mistaking Noah for Killian, without saying the wrong name when she shatters in countless pieces that she's probably never going to be able to put back together.

* * *

The second she wakes up inhaling the wrong scent, feeling Noah's heavy arm resting on her waist, she knows she'd made a horrible mistake. The bad feeling that overcomes her is so strong it takes her breath away and she rolls off the bed and gathers her dress, coat and boots, never looking back at the bed and the man who's still sleeping in it.

Emma slips outside and tiptoes downstairs, already blocking the memories of last night and planning where to start her search for Killian.

Cold wind outside hits her like a slap and as she walks toward the subway she can't stop shaking, her stomach feeling empty and her breathing coming in gasps as she tries not to cry; she had wasted six and a half years and cheated on Killian, and she gets the feeling that the consequences of her actions are going to be dire.

It doesn't even matter that he'd once asked her not to look for him; she never should've listened, she never should've let go.

* * *

In the next six years Emma drives through every state at least three times, uses all the resources she's got at her disposal, makes countless deals with God or Gold or whoever might be listening, but she still can't find Killian anywhere.

There are countless little towns in the US and she can't check them all out; if she had an undisturbed life-stream she could, and she would.

She finally finds Killian Jones three months before his birthday but at this point she'd take an hour with him and ninety days seems luxuriously long. The only downside to her discovery is the fact that he's living on O'ahu and she wastes a month getting an ID good enough to allow her on a plane.

The island seems like paradise, like a beautiful reprieve after being in Hell for so long and she can already feel herself changing, peace settling over her the second she sees the sky that meets the ocean as blue as Killian's eyes.

Emma checks into a hotel, leaves her stuff in her room and changes into a bikini before going down to the beach. There are seven lifeguard towers on the beach and she passes by all of them twice but none of the people manning them are Killian.

"Wrong shift", she mutters to herself and debates whether or not to go back to the hotel, but she's too wired so she stay where she is, finding a shaded spot and spreading her towel on the sand.

It seems that everywhere she looks today there are children playing, boys and girls or all shapes and sizes laughing and making her feel the absence of their child like a void in her stomach. She thinks about Charlotte and the kids they had never named, kids that could've been little people by now if she only had a little more time to bring them into the world, if Killian hadn't died too soon, if she hadn't died, if, if, if.

Hours pass slowly and finally a new group of lifeguards arrives and she still doesn't see Killian among them. She feels weak from both hunger and desperation, the bad feeling getting worse by the second, and she finally asks the girl on the first tower if she knows when Killian Jones is supposed to come to work.

The girl points at tower three and tells her that he's right there.

Emma sleepwalks to a man that is not her Killian and as soon as he confirms her suspicion that he just shares Killian's name dark spots flash in her vision and she collapses in his arms.

* * *

By the time she revives there's already a crowd gathering around her and the lifeguard; she feels so tired, wishing she could curl up in a ball right there and wake up in time for Killian's birthday.

"Where are you staying?" Killian that is the wrong Killian asks her and she tells him the name of her hotel, and she feels too weak to object when he gathers her in his arms, asks his lifeguard buddy to mind his tower and carries her to his car.

"Why are you doing this?" She asks him, and he glances at her before retuning his eyes to the road.

"Because I recognize the pain in your eyes", he says cryptically and Emma closes them, refusing his understanding, refusing whatever this is because she's not going to try somebody new, especially not so close to Killian's birthday.

She might have to live through a hundred more lives, but she's never going to try somebody new again.

* * *

Emma leaves the island three days later and settles into a motel in Seattle; it's the first place she had found Killian in and she feels close to him there. She spends a lot of time in the library he had worked in and watching the horizon from the top of the Space Needle; sometimes when she's up there and she closes her eyes, she can convince herself that she can feel the ghost of his hands on her hips, that this entire life had been just a bad dream.

Whatever the future brings, it's going to be better than this, better than never seeing Killian, never knowing what he did for a living, where he was, whom he loved.

If he had ever felt like there was something incredibly important missing.

Emma looks at the city spreading ahead of her and hopes that somehow, her love is going to close the distance between them and touch his failing heart, and that it's going to be as if she's holding him in her arms.

Her worst fear is that he's going to die scared and confused, and all alone.

* * *

**Mayfield, Kentucky**

Killian Jones is dreaming about the blonde woman again, just like he'd been doing his entire life, but this time the dream is different, this time he finally sees her face.

The only word that comes to his mind to describe her is beautiful, and even though her eyes are so sad, she still smiles when she sees him, outstretching her hand toward him. Killian smiles too and tries to come closer to her but he finds that he can't move, and she stands there with her hand in the air, reaching for him but too far away to touch him.

He wakes up and lies in his cold bed, wishing she were right there beside him instead of haunting his dreams.

* * *

Every day is pretty much the same; get up, get dressed, skip breakfast, work construction until 5 and go to the local bar for a couple of beers. The worst thing is that he's so used to it that he actually doesn't mind that his life is so dull.

The only variety are the weekends because every Friday he takes his bike and just drives, stopping in random towns and returning home on Sunday evening. He tells himself he's not searching for the woman he'd only ever seen in his dreams because that would be ridiculous, but it's exactly what he's doing.

None of his friends understand him at all but they've all known each other since before elementary school and they don't let him drift apart from them despite the fact that they are married and he's not, that they have enough kids between them to form a football team and he can't remember if he had ever held a baby, and, most importantly, that they had never dreamed about somebody so often that they had managed to convince themselves that she's real.

"Are you finally asking Mary out or not?" Bill asks him over their third beer and Killian frowns into his pint.

"Which one is Mary again?"

"Steve's second cousin, the one you danced with at Ava's wedding", Bill tells him and Killian shakes his head.

"I don't think so", he says, drowning his beer in one large gulp.

"Why not? Aren't you lonely? And more importantly, horny?"

"Not really", Killian says and gets up, dropping some money on the table before he leaves. It's ironic that he's the only one without a family and he's going home first.

* * *

The older he gets, the more desperate he is to find her, and the more vivid his dreams become; he sees her standing in the sunlight, giving him an amused smile, he sees her bending over him while the rain is falling, he sees her crying and laughing and she always looks at him with such love that he'd give up forever just to touch her once.

He knows that everybody finds it weird that he's still not married, but even though he had a chance with a girl or two, all he ever saw was his beautiful stranger, the one that feels so familiar, so close to his heart.

It's his 32nd birthday and he's getting ready to go to a surprise party that's not really a surprise, looking through his sock drawer, his mind already making plans for the following weekend, and he's so focused on it that the pain in his chest doesn't really register until it suddenly intensifies and brings him to his knees. He doesn't understand why it's happening, but there's no doubt in his mind that he's dying.

And then somehow, he remembers; her name is Emma, and he loves her as much as she loves him, maybe even more.

He wishes he had tried harder, regrets that he never went all out and really looked for her; he's not afraid of death, but he wishes he could go holding her hand, with her kiss still burning on his lips.

* * *

Killian closes his eyes and 2300 miles to the northwest Emma feels that familiar pull in her stomach, doubling over because it had never hurt like this. Still, she welcomes both the pain and the darkness filling her vision because it means she's getting another chance with Killian, and she hopes that next time she finds him well before the time runs out on them.

* * *

**Review?**


	21. Las Vegas, Nevada

**Thanks for sticking with me and this story; just a little bit longer and we're finally going to reach the happy chapters. If you want to actually see the card trick Killian does here, type **James Galea (Card Trick) Comedy Festival Gala 2009** into youtube and enjoy (it starts around 1:45 mark)!  
**

* * *

Emma is fiddling with the ticket for Killian's magic show, watching the darkened stage and feeling her anticipation rising as the crowd gradually becomes quiet.

While Emma is waiting to see the love of her life for the first time in over twenty years, everybody else is waiting for cool card tricks so when he finally comes on stage they all cheer and clap; the noise would be deafening if Emma could concentrate on anything except the fact that Killian is finally standing not ten feet away from her.

Finding him this time wasn't hard, but getting a golden ticket for his show was nearly impossible and it took her over three years despite all her skill.

Killian starts it off with the usual; I'll guess what card you're thinking of, how did that card get there, how did that regular deck turn into a deck made entirely of Queens of Heart?

Time flies by and it's almost the end of the show, which means the trick that made him a star; the story he tells changes every night, but the cards that go with it are always right, no matter how many times he lets people cut the deck.

Killian comes to the table in front of Emma's chair and smiles at her, asking for her name.

"Emma", she says and he looks up from shuffling the cards, giving her a long look that makes her heart race even faster than it already was.

"Cut the deck for me, Emma", he says and she leans forward, doing just that. "Now… Look closely."

Tonight he tells a story about meeting some ladies and joining his friends at a place called 673 James Street, and turns over cards 6, 7, 3 and J. The audience cheers but he's not even nearly done yet; he asks Emma to cut the deck again, and then every time he mentions his own name in the story a K comes out without fail.

"We decided to play poker and Emma here wanted four nines, which is a pretty good hand, but I wanted her to win so I gave her four Aces with an eight", Killian says and winks at Emma, turning over cards 4, 9, 9, 9, 9, followed by four Aces with an eight, just like he promised.

Emma had seen real magic, but this still takes her breath away, and she's sad when the story is over and the entire deck is used, neatly lied out on the table in front of her.

"That was amazing", Emma says and he leans down to kiss her cheek; she turns her head at the last possible moment and his lips find hers, and then there's actual magic swirling around them and making the audience go mad.

"What would've happened if I hadn't gone for the kiss?" Killian asks her, pulling her up from her seat so they can take a bow for the audience.

"I have the ticket for the meet & greet", Emma tells him meekly and he laughs, dipping her over and kissing her again.

"That's not happening tonight", he tells her and takes her hand, leading her back stage as the audience keeps screaming and chanting his name.

* * *

It takes them about twenty minutes to get to his dressing room because he keeps pulling her into darkened nooks and kissing her senseless, and she'd been starving for him for far too long to care if anybody's watching and deeming their behavior inappropriate.

Killian finally opens the door for her and she goes in, stopping dead in her tracks because there's a little girl sleeping on the couch, a stuffed rabbit clutched to her chest.

"But… You're not married", Emma says dumbly, looking between him and the girl that's obviously his daughter.

"Her mother died in childbirth", Killian says softly and Emma feels relieved, then feels like a monster because she's glad that Killian's baby had to grow up without a mother the way Emma did. "Emma, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I managed to forget you."

"It's okay. She's so beautiful", she tells him and leans against his chest, resting her hands on top of his on her stomach as they both watch the precious sight in front of them. "What's her name?"

"Anastasia. But she can't quite pronounce it, so everybody calls her Ninie", Killian says and Emma tilts her head to look at him, tears spilling from her eyes because there's such love in his eyes for Ninie and she wishes she was their child, wishes she was the one that's always just a little out of reach.

Emma wipes her eyes and tells herself that maybe this time they will succeed, maybe this time they are going home with two babies instead of just one.

"Tell me what's wrong", Killian whispers against her ear and Emma is about to open her mouth and tell him everything when Ninie wakes up and looks right at her.

"Later", Emma murmurs and smiles at his little girl, her heart expanding because Ninie rubs her eyes and smiles back at her. "Somebody's awake."

Unlike the last time Killian had children, this time nothing's preventing her to bond with his daughter, and because Ninie is his, Emma knows that loving her is going to be so easy.

And it is.

* * *

Emma spends a lot of time with Ninie while Killian is preparing and having his shows; they go shopping, read books and have countless tea parties that neither of them can get enough of. Months go by but Emma barely notices because she's living a dream and she's too busy loving Ninie and making love with Killian to worry about the future.

After all, what happens, happens, right?

It's a bright summer day and the two of them are sitting in a park across from the building where Killian is practicing his tricks, waiting for him to join them for lunch, Emma trying to teach Ninie how to braid her hair.

"Show me again", Ninie demands and frowns adorably as she concentrates on the movement of Emma's hands.

"You don't have to get it today", Emma tells her and kisses her nose, Ninie's laugh sounding like tiny bells and making her a little misty eyed.

"Emma?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I was thinking. You love daddy and me, and we love you… Does that mean I should call you mommy?" Ninie asks her, looking up at her with a serious expression as Emma hunts for words.

"You can call me whatever you want", Emma finally says, and Ninie nods, thinking about her answer for a few seconds.

"I don't really remember my mommy, but I think she wouldn't mind if I called you mommy now", Ninie says and snuggles into Emma's lap, staying there for about three seconds before she sees Killian coming across the street. "Daddy!"

Ninie slips from her lap and launches herself into Killian's open arms as Emma sits on the bench, stunned and happier than she'd been in years.

* * *

Emma gets her period and for some reason she can't shake the cold and the pain, so she stays in bed. Killian brings her breakfast and sits down next to her while she shuffles the food on her plate around and avoids looking at him.

She told him everything except what had happened in his last life and it's a heavy burden to bear alone.

"Whatever it is, Emma, you can tell me", he says and embraces her, tilting her face up so she has to look at him.

"You told me to do something, and I did it, and it messed up everything last time", she blurts out, then bites her tongue but it's too late, the words are already out.

Killian is silent for a while and she closes her eyes, preparing herself for more questions she does not want to answer.

"It doesn't matter, lass", he says, his lips grazing her temple.

"What?"

"I forgive you", he says and tilts her head until she's looking at him. "Forgive yourself, Emma, and let it go."

Emma wraps her arms around him and buries her head in his chest, wishing it were that easy, wishing she could love herself the way he loves her.

* * *

On their second anniversary in this life Killian drives the three of them out into the desert. He refuses to tell Emma where they are going and what are they going to do, and Ninie giggles in the back seat but stays as cryptic as her father.

"Close your eyes", Killian says when they reach a parking lot and Emma obeys, feeling Ninie crawl into her lap to make sure she's not peeking.

"Tell me what it is", Emma says, running her fingers through Ninie's hair and feeling her shake her head.

"It's a secret", Ninie whispers and Emma smiles, waiting impatiently until Killian comes back for them.

"Keep 'em closed", he says and steals a kiss before picking Ninie up and leading Emma around the car.

"Now mommy, look", Ninie exclaims and Emma opens her eyes to see the desert sky explode in rainbow colors, a firework just for her.

"How-"

"Shhh", Killian sushes her and wraps his free arm around her waist; Emma relaxes against him, watching the bright flowers in the sky and feeling her hope grow again.

He's creating magic out of thin air, and Emma lets herself believe that someday he's going to create their happy ending too.

* * *

Emma is in the kitchen making breakfast when Ninie runs into the kitchen in her pajamas, tears streaking her face.

"Daddy is sick", she chokes out and Emma takes her hand and leads her back upstairs, her heart hammering in her chest even before she sees Killian sitting on the floor, leaning against Ninie's bed with eyes closed, his hand clutching his chest.

"Killian", Emma kneels next to him and embraces Ninie, laying her free hand on his shoulder. His eyes open slowly and find hers, and he doesn't have to say anything for her to know that this is the end. "I'll go call the ambulance."

She knew he'd leave her too soon the second he frowned when she asked him about the Ninja, but she made herself believe that this time it's going to be different because she couldn't face the possibility of Ninie losing a father too.

"Emma", he says gently and she blinks back tears, staying right where she is.

"Please don't go", Emma says, taking Killian's hand in hers and squeezing his fingers, embracing Ninie tighter; she sounds calm, but it's all for their daughter's benefit.

"I'm sorry", he says, smiling at Ninie even though Emma can see a muscle jumping in his jaw, his hand trembling in hers; his heart is giving out on him two years too soon. "Promise me something, love."

"Anything", Emma breathes, painfully aware that Ninie is looking between them, confused and scared and not realizing that her father is about to die.

"Ninie-", he starts to say and gasps for air, and Ninie crawls into his lap and wraps her arms around him.

"I'm here, daddy", she tells him and Emma bites the inside of her mouth and looks up to keep her tears at bay, her heart shattering like it never did before.

"I'll look after her", Emma says, cupping Killian's face and kissing him, one last time, again.

"Look after yourself too, lass", he says and Emma embraces him, Ninie caught between them, both of them holding on long after he's already gone.

* * *

Ninie never sleeps in her room again. She refuses to even enter it and Emma finds a new house for them, but she still wakes with Ninie's head on her shoulder, long dark hair spilling over her pillow.

Emma doesn't let herself be sad. She does everything in her power to be Ninie's everything and tells her countless stories about Killian; she can't bear the thought of Ninie forgetting him.

Ninie's fifth birthday goes without a celebration because her daughter refuses to have a party without her daddy, and Emma has to call all the parents of Ninie's friends and explain to them that the party is cancelled.

They spend the day watching videos of Killian's performances and Ninie is so subdued and quiet that Emma lets her eat more chocolate than she should; her father is dead and nothing Emma says will ever make it better.

"How much longer until you leave me too?" Ninie asks her when Emma tucks her into bed that night, and she looks so small and fragile and afraid that Emma wishes she could just stay; for the first time she's ready to stop, ready to let Killian go, and it's fitting that she'd do it for his daughter.

But she can't.

"I'm never going to leave you", Emma tells her firmly and kisses her forehead, and somehow, she makes them both believe that she won't.

* * *

By the time Killian's 32nd birthday comes around Ninie isn't Ninie anymore; she's Anastasia, she's finishing first grade and she smiles Killian's smile when Emma gives her the lunchbox and kisses her goodbye.

"I'll see you soon", Emma tells her daughter and only falls apart after the school bus takes Anastasia away.

A part of Emma knows that her little girl is just going to disappear with the rest of this reality as soon as she goes back in time, but she still makes one of her friends promise that if anything ever happens to Emma, she's going to take Anastasia in and love her like Emma would.

It's horrible, but Emma hopes that there's going to be no need for that because she'd rather have Anastasia disappear than feel abandoned, and when time starts pulling her back she finally understands exactly how Killian feels every time he has to go.

He's much braver about it than Emma is.

* * *

**Review?**


	22. Belfast, Maine

**It's finally time for Emma and Killian to go home; I hope you like it! Thank you for sticking through all the heartbreak, and enjoy the happy! **

* * *

Usually, when Emma Swan wakes up in a new life, she's utterly miserable, and as the time passes her misery just keeps growing until she feels like she can't take it anymore; that's when she finds Killian, and the kiss that restores his memories is also what restores her, the weight of so many years without him lifting off her shoulders in a heartbeat.

This time, everything seems different.

This time she's not miserable despite missing both Killian and Anastasia; her entire body is humming with anticipation, and even though she had never felt like this before, she's still afraid to trust her instincts and let hope grow too big too fast.

Cursed Killian had taught her a lot of things, but she thinks that the most important of them is: _what will be, will be_.

Emma gets to her feet and lifts her chin; somewhere out there Killian is waiting for her to wake him up and she wants to do it sooner rather than later so that they can make new memories, no matter the final outcome.

* * *

Emma can't believe that this time Killian is in Maine, incredibly close to the place where Storybrooke would be if it existed in this world. It also appears that he's the go to person if you want to smuggle something in or out of the country, excluding people, and Emma even heard some guy refer to him as "that _pirate_".

The hope she tried to control for the past decade as she was searching for Killian springs up and almost chokes her as she walks down the dock to his ship because written on the port side is its name; Jolly Roger.

Emma paces up and down the dock, trying to calm down so she doesn't come off crazy when he first sees her because it doesn't matter if he's a pirate like her Killian; it's still no guarantee that this time they are going home.

"This is it and you know it", Emma says out loud then glances around in panic because the last thing she needs is people overhearing her talking to herself.

She finally steps on the deck of Killian's ship good ten minutes later and smiles to herself because even though this Jolly is a modern ship with electrical equipment and metal instead of wood, it feels like the actual Jolly Roger that is patiently waiting in Storybrooke, wherever Storybrooke is now.

This Jolly already feels like home.

"Hey, beautiful", Killian says and she looks up, finding him standing on the steps leading to the quarterdeck, casually leaning against the rail.

He already sounds like himself, his accent sending shivers down her spine, and he already looks like her pirate, wearing black jeans, a button down shirt and a coat that is different from the one he used to wear only in one aspect; it's not leather.

"Killian", she breathes his name and sleepwalks to him, her eyes never leaving his, drowning in the blue so alike the sea that surrounds them on three sides.

"At your service, m'lady", he says and gives her one of those amazing smiles that light his entire face, patiently waiting for her to reach him.

"How is this possible?" Emma says faintly and climbs the steps until they are eye to eye, her hands shaking because they want to hold him and he's not ready yet.

"How is what possible, lass?" He asks her, reaching out his hand and rearranging the hair on her shoulder exactly the same way he did once before.

"Feels like déjà vu, doesn't it?" Emma asks him and he nods slowly, his eyes flickering to her lips, and it's all the invitation she needs, closing her eyes and leaning forward, smiling when he meets her half way, his arms pulling her closer even before magic dances in the air around them.

"It's not déjà vu if it had already happened", Killian murmurs against her lips and picks her up, carrying her to his cabin. Emma rests her head against his shoulder and smiles, feeling dizzy with happiness because there's no doubt in her mind anymore that she's never going to lose him again.

She had already lived through the last time he would ever leave her, the long broken road somehow leading her straight to Killian.

Her Killian.

* * *

Killian lays her upon his bed and Emma settles against the pillows, watching him shrug off his coat and boots and doing the same with hers before he lies down next to her and caresses her face with his knuckles.

"What happened?" He asks her, his voice unbearably gentle, his eyes reading her like an open book she'd always been.

"I'll tell you everything, just not now", she says and leans forward to kiss him, her hands sneaking under his shirt and pulling him closer. A soft sigh escapes her when his tongue parts her lips and touches hers because his scruff feels divine against her skin, and then somehow, their past in Storybrooke comes alive and she suddenly remembers everything she had forgotten over the years; she remembers every touch, every whispered promise late at night, every single brush of his lips against hers.

She remembers him, she remembers love, she remembers how it feels to be young and brand new.

Killian rolls her on her back and she lifts her hips, desperate for him the way she hadn't been for a long, long time.

Judging by the way he's tugging at her sweater, he feels exactly the same.

"A little help?" He says and chuckles when Emma tries to look cross but fails miserably. "That's what you get for having a one-handed man as your one true love."

Emma freezes with her sweater half-way off, covering the utter shock that's probably written all over her face with it.

"What?" She asks, feeling so stupid for somehow managing to overlook the fact that Killian's left hand is just a very good prosthetic.

"Emma? How long has it been for you that you managed to forget about my hand?" He asks her cautiously, peeling her sweater off so he can look at her face.

"About three hundred years", Emma says meekly, cupping his face in her hand and shaking her head. "But that's not why I thought you'd have both hands."

"Three hundred years?!" He exclaims, his eyes widening in shock, but Emma ignores his outburst.

"You've lived twenty lives so far and you always had both hands in all of them so I just assumed it would be the same this time", she tells him, her thumb caressing the faint scar under his right eye that is yet another reminder that this Killian is exactly the same as the one she fell in love with.

"I think you should tell me everything now", he says and tries to roll off her but Emma wraps her legs around his hips and keeps him where he is.

"There was a curse and you kept dying on your 32nd birthday but it doesn't matter anymore because this time is going to be different, this time we're going home."

"Why? Why would it be different?" He asks her softly and she sees her own hope mirrored in his eyes.

"Because this time you're you. You're exactly the same as you were on the day you died for the first time and I think that's why we couldn't break the curse before, that's why our miracle baby never came", Emma tells him and he lifts a questioning eyebrow.

"We have to have a baby to break the curse?"

Emma just nods because she doesn't trust her own voice, the subject of babies always too hard for her.

"Well then, we better start working on that", Killian says and distracts with a kiss, his hand trailing down her ribs and waist, his fingers tracing her hip before he unbuttons her jeans and slides the zipper down, her gasp of surprise when he touches her muted against his mouth.

Emma is too impatient to let him tease her too long so she pushes his left shoulder to make him lose his balance and rolls them so she's on top.

"You minx! Who taught you to play dirty?" He exclaims and she wiggles her hips and smiles at the way his cheeks flush prettily.

"You did", she tells him lovingly and stands up on the bed so she can take off the rest of her clothes before bending down and doing the same with his. Killian takes off the fake hand and she settles back down, kissing him hungrily and smiling against his mouth when he rolls them again and presses himself against her just so, her fingers tangling in his hair as her heart keeps hammering in her chest.

"Aye, lass, I did", he says and enters her in one smooth motion that makes her dig her nails into his back, her head falling back against the pillows as he runs his tongue over her pulse point and moves inside her excruciatingly slowly.

It's the sweetest torture Emma had experienced and she loves every minute of it, but she loves it even more when he finally sends her flying and joins her so they can shatter back to Earth together.

* * *

Exactly nine months later Emma gives birth to Saoirse Emily Jones and closes her eyes when Killian kisses her sweaty brow and tells her that she's bloody brilliant.

"Here's your daughter", the nurse says and hands Emma the tiny bundle; Saoirse looks the way Emma always imagined she would, with dark hair and blue eyes framed with eyelashes as stunning as Killian's. She looks between them and realizes that their baby's got her chin and laughs through her tears, Killian's hand brushing them away until they all disappear.

Saoirse's name means freedom, but when Emma looks at her all she sees is love because even though she was born to be their savior, she was always wanted, meant to be even before the curse.

She is the perfect manifestation of their love.

Killian traces his daughter's nose with his finger and Saoirse frowns adorably before closing her eyes and going back to sleep.

* * *

Emma wakes in her hospital room and finds Killian watching her from a chair next to the bed, smiling when he sees that she's awake.

"Where's Saoirse?" Emma asks him, trying to sit up despite the pain because their baby isn't anywhere in sight and she needs her to be, she needs to make sure her daughter is okay.

"Shhh, she's safe", Killian tells her and carefully sits on the bed next to her, his hand on her shoulder keeping her down gently but firmly.

"Are you sure? You have to be sure!"

"Emma, look at me", he says and Emma meets his ocean gaze, his calm getting through to her and allowing her to finally relax. "That's a good girl."

Killian brushes hair off her forehead and she wraps her fingers around his wrist and kisses his palm, silently thanking him for always doing exactly what she needs.

The nurse brings them Saoirse a couple of minutes later and quickly shows Emma how to feed her before leaving the three of them alone.

"This feels like a dream", Emma says softly, unable to take her eyes off her baby girl, her heart overflowing with love; she never got to experience this with Henry and it's only now that she realizes what she'd been missing out.

"It's real, I promise", Killian says and leans down to kiss the top of Saoirse's head.

"I love you", Emma tells him and he looks at her and smiles, entwining their fingers and brushing his lips over her knuckles.

"And I love you", he says and then focuses his attention back to their daughter. "And you, little troublemaker."

Saoirse kicks her tiny feet and Killian laughs, tears shining in his eyes just like they are shining in Emma's because they made it; they are going to watch their baby grow and celebrate her first birthday and then finally, finally they can all go home.

* * *

Emma often pinches herself because everything still feels like a dream. She sits on their back porch and watches Killian kneel next to the flower garden with Saoirse cradled in his arms as she studies the sunflowers intently, giggling when he swings her around before carrying her back to Emma.

"Mama", Saoirse exclaims and Emma kisses her cheek when Killian sits down next to her and hands her their daughter.

"Are sunflowers your favorites too?" Emma asks her and Saoirse opens her fist and shows her the purple viola.

"You sneaky little bandit", Killian says and tickles her mercilessly until she squirms on Emma's lap, her shrill laughter echoing around the garden.

"Like father, like daughter", Emma says and steals a kiss from Killian, and it's only when he puts his arm around her and pinches her waist gently that she lets herself believe that this is real.

* * *

For the first time since the curse they are actually celebrating Killian's birthday. It's just the three of them and a chocolate cake Emma made herself to calm her nerves, Saoirse bouncing on Killian's lap and reaching for the candles when Emma brings it out of the fridge.

"Do you want to help me blow out the candles?" Killian asks and Saoirse nods enthusiastically, standing on his knees and leaning forward until her face is practically touching the icing.

Emma is about to go look for the lighter when she feels that pulling sensation in her stomach and she can see in Killian's eyes that he feels the same; he gets up and pulls Emma close with an arm around her waist, Saoirse caught between them.

"It's okay, baby, we're just going on a little trip", Emma tells her when she starts crying because she must feel it too.

"No", Saoirse wails and keeps reaching for the cake, so Emma kisses her head and promises her all the chocolate in the world once they get where they are going.

"Ready?" Killian asks her and Emma smiles, takes the journal that's been waiting on the table and then wraps her arms around him and Saoirse.

"Ready", she says and then they disappear.

* * *

**Review?**


	23. Storybrooke, Maine

**I'm so very glad you liked the fact that the curse could only be broken when she found her Killian again. There's only Epilogue left for tomorrow and then this story is over; thank you for going on this journey with me and enjoy the happy!**

* * *

Emma opens her eyes and sits up so fast she feels dizzy, panic flooding her system because for a moment she thinks she's back in time without Killian and Saoirse, but then she sees them a couple of yards away and breathes a shaky sigh of relief.

Saoirse wakes up just as Emma kneels next to them, smiling because Killian's hand is cradling their daughter against his chest even though he's still unconscious.

"You okay, baby?" Emma asks and carefully extracts her from Killian's arms, then sets her on her feet and shakes Killian's shoulder.

"Wakey wakey, daddy", Saoirse says and tugs at his right hand while Emma looks around and realizes that they are just across the street from the clock tower.

And their patrol car is parked right next to it.

"Killian, you have to wake up right now!" Emma yells and he finally opens his eyes, a frown creasing his forehead as he sits up.

"What-", he starts to say and cuts himself off, opens his mouth a few times and closes it again before sort of collapsing forward with his head against her shoulder.

"Killian?" Emma asks him uncertainly, looking at Saoirse who shrugs adorably and wraps her arms around him.

"I remember", Killian says and Emma's stomach drops when she hears tears in his voice; the weight of three hundred years and twenty lives suddenly dropping on your shoulders has to be a horrible burden to bear.

"Shhh", she whispers, knowing that it's useless, that this is something she can't fix with the sheer power of her love.

"I'm sorry", he chokes out and Emma cups his face in her hands and forces him to look at her.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, you hear me?" She tells him firmly, her own eyes getting wet from seeing him like this.

"No cry, daddy", Saoirse says, looking up at him sternly, making him smile and shake his head before wiping his face on his shoulder. Emma kisses his forehead and they exchange a long look because they are going to talk about it; now is just not the time.

"Gold said that thirteen years would pass, but it seems like maybe it was just thirteen hours", Emma says, trying not to get her hopes up and failing miserably because the rain had stopped, it's dark and their car is still here. She stands up, leaving Killian to pick up Saoirse as she starts to walk toward the clock tower, wanting to be sure that her theory is correct.

"Emma, wait. We should go find your parents", he calls after her and she turns around with a frown, finally understanding his reluctance when he cocks his head toward Saoirse's.

For the first time in forever Killian is the voice of reason because they've got their daughter to think about now.

Emma looks at the clock tower one more time and then returns to his side, slipping her hand into his as they finally start for her parents' place.

* * *

Emma knocks on the door and Snow opens it immediately, as if she'd been standing on the other side waiting for them to arrive. She looks the same as ever when she pulls Emma in for a hug, running her fingers through her hair and telling her how much she had missed her.

"How long has it been?" Emma asks her, her chin trembling at the thought that she was wrong, that the car had been left there as a reminder, as some kind of monument to her and Killian.

"A day", Snow tells her, then pulls away and cups Emma's face in her hands. "But it's been centuries for you."

Now that she's got the final confirmation that Henry didn't have to grow up without her Emma allows herself to feel everything and tears spring to her eyes; Snow rubs her hand up and down Emma's back and beckons them all inside.

"How did you know that it's been centuries for us?" Killian asks her and Emma nods, looking around her parents' apartment, her eyes searching for some clue as to what's going on.

"And where is Henry? Is he okay?"

"He's fine, everything is fine", Snow says and approaches Killian and Saoirse, smiling at her granddaughter before looking over her shoulder at Emma. "She's got our chin."

Emma is about to agree when Henry races down the steps and flings himself at her, wrapping his arms around her so tightly that she can barely breathe. He's followed by much calmer David who presses his lips against Emma's temple and goes to greet his granddaughter.

"Can anybody explain to us what's going on already?" Killian asks and looks at Emma, and it doesn't matter that she's across the room from him because he's holding Saoirse and she's holding Henry and it's like their arms are around each other too.

"Marco saw what Regina and Mr. Gold did and he told Snow and David, so they went to the Blue Fairy and she made a magical prison in the sheriff's station and now they can't ever get out", Henry says, looking up at Emma but still holding onto her.

She can't believe that she had forgotten his face, the way his eyes twinkle when he smiles, the way he always looks at her as if she's the most amazing person in the world, the way his hair falls over his forehead, always inviting her to brush it to the side like she does now.

"I thought they were too strong for the Blue Fairy", Emma says, and Henry shakes his head, his brown eyes so sad when he tells her the rest.

"They did an awful thing, and that kind of magic leaves a mark, and it made them weak, so Blue defeat them and make sure they never hurt anybody else."

"Take her", Killian says and hands Saoirse to Snow. "I've got a Crocodile and a Queen to skin."

If it were only up to Emma, she'd let him do it. She'd let him kill them both and she'd stand there watching, feeling intense relief that they are paying for what they put her and Killian through, but there's Henry to think about, his little gasp making her race after Killian and stop him on the stairs.

"You can't", Emma says, her hand landing on his shoulder and making him pause; he looks up at her and smiles faintly because she's always an open book to him.

"I must."

"Think about Henry", she says, cupping his face in her hands and willing him to reconsider.

"Emma-"

"Please", the word falls from her mouth and she smiles because this is Killian she's talking to; her one true love, and the only person in the world who can't tell her _no_.

"You're asking me to have faith in some magical prison that they might bust out of and then come after us again, or worse, our children", he says, his voice softening on the last word and making it hard to keep her resolve.

"I'm asking you not to kill Henry's mother and grandfather", she says and he closes his eyes, his hand finding her waist before he speaks.

"I thought I understood what you went through. I read the journal and I lied awake countless nights watching you sleep and thinking how horrible it must've been, wondering if I would be as strong and brave as you were. I didn't think I would've been", he says and Emma lets him talk even though she can see where he's going with this. "And when I remembered all my lives, remembered your face looking down at me every time you lost me, well… I can't let anything like this happen again, I just can't risk you or Saoirse and Henry. We already lost too many babies…" His voice falters and a tear slides down his cheek, but somehow he finds the strength to continue. "And yes, Henry will hate me, and I'll break his heart, but at least he's going to be safe. You and Saoirse are going to be safe."

Killian turns around and leaves her standing there, but she recovers quickly and follows him out in the street.

"I'm not going to change my mind", Killian tells her when she falls into step with him and Emma shrugs, looking at the road ahead of them even though she knows he's looking at her.

"I know", she says and they go the rest of the way in silence, entering the sheriff's station and coming face to face with Regina and Gold for the first time in almost three centuries.

"Well, well. You're back", Gold says and Emma can't believe that he can still be this smug when Killian is unlocking the weapons cabinet and clearly intends to end both him and Regina.

"How long has it been?" Regina asks and comes closer to the bars, hungry for details of their suffering.

Neither Emma nor Killian dignify either of them with a response.

Gold and Regina exchange a look when Killian clicks the safety off and raises the gun, his beautiful face contorting into a mask of pure hatred and rage.

"Time for you to meet you maker", Killian says, his voice like ice, his hand steadily aimed at Gold's head.

"We both know you're not going to kill me", Gold says nonchalantly and Emma steps between him and Killian. "And there she is, about to make you give up on your revenge for her. You two are so predictable."

"Emma, step aside", Killian says but she only comes closer to him until the muzzle of the gun brushes against her forehead.

"No. I'm not letting you lose Henry", she says, her gaze locked on his, her hand rising and wrapping around his on the handle of the gun.

"Emma, please", he says but he lowers the gun immediately. "You know that nobody's going to be safe if these two stay alive, least of all our children."

Emma doesn't know what to say because she agrees with him wholeheartedly, but she still can't let him do that to Henry. Killian closes his eyes and takes a deep breath as if he's steeling himself for what comes next so her kiss surprises him, and what happens during it surprises them both.

All Emma wanted to accomplish was to remind him that they had gotten their happy ending, that they are finally free, that they don't have to fight anymore, but her love for him and her magic get in the way of that; when she kisses him there's a flash of blinding light filling the station, and the world feels new again, their pain lessening even though the memories of the past remain with them as a reminder of the power of their love.

Emma pulls away and finds Killian looking at her with a serene smile on his face, the gun falling out of his fingers so he can cup her face and kiss her again.

"What just happened? Who are you?" Regina asks and they turn around, finding a very different Queen looking back at them.

"Killian, what-", Emma starts to say and only understands what has happened when she looks at Gold. His supreme attitude is gone, and he's practically cowering in the corner of his cell, looking around with wide eyes.

"I took away their magic. You made them who they were before they got it", the Blue Fairy speaks, entering the room with Charming trailing close behind.

"But how?" Emma asks, wrapping her arms around Killian and glancing up at him to find him looking at her with wonder, making her feel special and wonderful.

"True love's kiss _and_ your magic", he whispers and brushes his nose against hers before wrapping his arm around her waist and leading her to the door, clapping Charming on the shoulder as they pass by him. "I'll let you deal with them, mate."

"This is the last time I'm cleaning up your mess", Charming says good-naturedly and winks, already starting toward the cells with the Blue Fairy.

Emma glances at Gold and Regina one last time and then she forgets about them, reaching for Killian's hand and focusing only on him and the future they are going to have with their babies.

"Let's go get Henry and Saoirse and go home", Killian says and Emma stands on tiptoes and kisses his cheek, grinning so wide her cheeks hurt.

The fight is over and they had won.

* * *

Emma doesn't go to sleep that first night, sitting next to Henry's bed and watching his chest rise and fall, memorizing his face all over again. It's only been a day for Henry, but she'd been missing him for so long that she can't make herself leave him, not even when she gets so tired her eyes start closing on their own.

Last night she couldn't sleep because she was worried about how Killian's birthday would go, and tonight she can't sleep because everything went okay.

"Go to bed, lass", Killian says from the doorway and Emma turns her head, smiling when she sees that he's got Saoirse sleeping in his arms. "I'll watch him."

It's not about that at all and Killian knows it, but he still tries to make her get some rest because that's what he does; he takes care of her the best that he can.

Emma gets up and waits until he sits in the armchair she'd been occupying then nestles in his lap, taking Saoirse from him and pressing her lips against their daughter's head. Killian wraps his arms around them both and Emma relaxes against him, feeling safe and protected and loved.

Every time she's about to fall asleep, Killian brushes his lips against her temple to keep her awake so she can keep watching Henry sleep; it means so much to her that he's always there when she needs him most.

"I'm never going to leave you again", he whispers and Emma smiles; their happy ending is not an ending at all.

It's a beginning.

* * *

**Review?**


	24. Epilogue

**Here we are again, at the last page of another story... It's been a painful ride, but I hope all you angst-lovers enjoyed it. Usually I'd start writing my new long fic right away and start posting in about two weeks but I'm graduating uni (if I pass the test on Wednesday) so this time you're going to have to wait a bit longer. I already know what my next story is going to be (another no magic AU), but before that I'm going to write a S1 AU with Adriane (Eaasybugboy), and I hope you join me for both of that journies when they eventually start. Thank you for reading and see you again in a month or two. P.S. If you want to check out the mix for this fic, go to my tumblr (**montanarosalie**); it's under the tag **fanmix**.  
**

* * *

Life in Storybrooke had never been better.

Since Gold and Regina lost their magic and returned to themselves, the only thing Emma and Killian have to deal with are occasional thefts (which often turn out not to be thefts at all) and the dwarves raising a little Hell on a Friday night (which is easily dealt with).

That and Saoirse crying every morning when they leave her at Snow's apartment on their way to work.

"Maybe you should hire one more deputy so that one of us can stay home with Saoirse", Killian suggests one morning as he unsuccessfully tries to pry his daughter from his leg.

"Daddy, don't go", Saoirse cries, her tear-streaked face turned up toward Killian; Emma smiles because she's already got him wrapped around her little finger.

"You know she's going to stop crying the second we close the door", Emma tells him and Snow nods, rolling her eyes at Charming who's trying to bribe his granddaughter with chocolate to make her stop crying.

"You two are hopeless", Snow says and picks Saoirse up, carrying her to the kitchen. She whispers something in her ear and Saoirse giggles, her tears disappearing as quickly as they had appeared.

"Bye mommy! Bye daddy!" She calls over Snow's shoulder and waves her hand at Emma and Killian before turning back around to talk to Snow.

"Let's go, sailor", Emma says and takes Killian's hand, practically having to drag him out.

"Did she just dismiss us?" Killian asks and Emma chuckles, closing the door behind them and pecking his cheek to get his attention.

"She's fine. And we are too", Emma tells him and then they go to work.

* * *

When Emma looks back, she's glad for every different Killian she had met and loved, glad for everything they had shared and for all the comfort they had given her; even though Killian remembers them all, he's just her pirate now.

They talk about the places they had seen and often imagine going to visit them again, but they never do; what's in the past should stay there, and their present is more wonderful that Emma had ever dreamt of.

She stores their journal in the back of the closet and never reads it again because it's too painful, but she tells herself that someday she's going to open it again and revisit the past with dry eyes.

Killian tells her that it's not going to happen, but it's still comforting to know that it exists.

* * *

Sometimes Emma wakes herself up because she's screaming for Killian both in her dream and in reality, and the only thing that can make her calm down is him whispering in her ear again and again that they aren't cursed anymore, that she won't ever have to watch him die.

"What if you die first when we're old?" She always asks him and he gives her a brave smile and tells her that he won't. "But that means that I'm going to die first."

She's okay with that, but she knows that he's not.

"Don't worry, love. I'll be right behind you", he tells her and kisses her, giving her the final proof of his love.

Not only would he gladly die for her, he'd also live long enough to see her die just so she doesn't have to be without him.

Killian's nightmares are different than her own; he doesn't yell like Emma does, he just whispers Ninie's or Emily's or Violet's name, and when Emma manages to wake him up always he goes into Saoirse's room and watches her sleep for a long time before coming back to bed.

The magical kiss had healed them, but the old hurt keeps coming back when they are sleeping; Emma knows that eventually, even that will go away, and all they can do for now is hold onto love and each other.

* * *

"We should get a Ninja", Emma says as she and Killian settle into a booth in Granny's diner.

"The curse is broken, love", he tells her and she smiles faintly because he went right for the heart of the problem. She's just being paranoid and she knows it, but after losing him so many times because he didn't have the stupid bike, she just can't handle the possibility that it might happen again. "And besides, I didn't have it when you found me in Belfast and yet here we are."

"I know. But I kinda miss it", she says, pretending to browse the menu so she can avoid his all-seeing eyes.

"I'm not going to suddenly drop dead just because we don't have a bike", he tells her firmly, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear and pressing his lips against her temple.

"You better not", Emma says, aiming for light, but it comes out a little broken.

"Hey, hey. I'm here. The curse is broken and I'm here", he says and pulls her into a hug, his hand tracing soothing circles on her back as she presses her nose against his neck and wraps her arms tightly around his waist.

"I still want the Ninja", Emma says and he chuckles, the sound making her smile too.

"Then you shall have it", he tells her and Emma nods, feeling so relieved that he understands. But then again, he always does.

* * *

It takes Emma over a year to finally ask Killian if he wishes he hadn't remembered his previous lives.

She's really asking for his forgiveness for all the things she did wrong, but she can't say that out loud.

"I don't", he answers her, shifting her in his arms so he can look at her when he continues. "You suffered so much because of me, and the least I can do is remember it all."

"I wish I could say that I regret my decision to keep you alive at all costs", Emma says and chokes on a sob, finally sharing all her guilt with him.

"I don't regret it either, Emma. I had years and years with you that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise because I'd be dead and I would not trade them for anything", he says, wiping away her tears as they come. "I'd take any pain just to be able to look upon your face and hold you in my arms."

"So you forgive me?" Emma asks and he kisses her, kisses her with all his affection and devotion; it still feels like the first time.

"There's nothing to forgive, lass. In fact, I'm the one who should be asking for your forgiveness because I had hurt you more than you ever hurt me."

"There's nothing to forgive", Emma gives him back his words and they smile, finally letting go of the pain that's been with them for far too long.

"I love you", Killian tells her and Emma drowns in the blue in his eyes and all the love shining there, cupping his face in her hands and kissing him before she speaks.

"And I love you."

* * *

On the morning before Emma gets a wedding ring for her left hand to match the two engagement rings on her right, Saoirse jumps on Killian and demands to hear the story about how he and mommy met.

"It's not even 7 a.m.", Emma cries, covering her face with the blanket and pressing her nose against Killian's shoulder.

Tradition requires for the bride and groom to spend the night before the wedding separately but neither of them can sleep alone, so they just ignored it and went to bed together, holding onto each other the way they always do.

"Not to mention the fact that you've heard that story twelve hundred times already", Killian says but still sits up against the headboard and lets Saoirse snuggle against him.

"Today is your wedding day, daddy", Saoirse says as if that explains everything and Emma's eyes meet Killian's, both of them grinning like lovesick idiots, which is exactly what they are.

"Yes, daddy, tell her our story", Emma says and closes her eyes, but she's not going back to sleep.

Like her daughter, she never gets tired of hearing it.

* * *

Every year on June 27th Emma and Killian take the Jolly Roger and spend the day at sea, away from the rest of the world because the rest of the world doesn't understand and never will.

It's quiet our here and she likes that there's nothing around them except the endless blue; it's the only place that feels safe on a day like today, the only place where she manages to convince herself that they are untouchable.

"I'm not going anywhere", Killian says, securing the helm in place so they can float on the same course before he comes to stand beside her and pulls her against him.

"I know", she says and he looks down at her steadily because there's still a part of her that keeps waiting for him to clutch his chest and that pulling sensation to take her away.

"I'm not going anywhere", he repeats and kisses her, then kisses her and leads her to his cabin.

He lies her down in the same bed he'd first made love to her three hundred years ago and she still can't get enough of him, she still has to catch her breath when he looks at her like _that_; his hand ghosting over her skin is still enough to make her heart race.

"Emma", he murmurs against her lips and she thinks that she'd do it all again for him, she'd run a thousand miles and wait another decade just to hear him say her name like this.

Killian smiles and trails kisses to her ear, whispering three simple words that mean everything to her.

"I love you."

To Emma, they mean; _we are free_.

* * *

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